Adoptive Parenting: Balancing Attachment with Getting Sleep
One of the most common questions we receive at Creating a Family is some variation on how to get a good night’s sleep while making sure that your child is firmly attached. Here are a few questions that we received for a Creating a Family Radio Show/Podcast on Sleep Issues with Adopted Kids:
- How do you know when it is ok to let your adopted child learn to self soothe through longer crying/fussing before you go into them or comfort them? I struggle to know when it’s safe to let them self soothe as opposed to picking them up. I’m so tired!
- My two kids do not sleep through the night-EVER! They were adopted at age 2 and 2.5 from foster care. One had been with another foster family from birth and the other was placed with us at 2 after she was removed from her birth family for neglect. They are now 4 and 5 and are still waking several times every night. My husband and I have not slept together for 3 years! On some level I think I may be the problem. I read everything I could find on your site on attachment and was determined that I would do everything in my power to help these girls attach. I certainly succeeded at that, but I think I may have gone overboard. I can’t stand to hear them cry or for them to be unhappy, especially at night. I go to them immediately and it drives my husband up the wall. He and I fight over it frequently. He thinks I’m spoiling them. I would love any advice you can give me.
- We adopted our beautiful baby boy 10 months ago. We were at the hospital at his birth and he came home with us. He has never slept through the night and still wakes at least 2 times every night. I think he is ready to sleep through the night but all the adoption forums explode when I tell them I’m going to let him cry it out for even a short time. It’s like I’m going to be ruining him for life. Help!
First Goal is Attachment
With a newly adopted child, your first goal is to help create attachment. This may involve lots of touching, immediately responding to every need, and often doing things with older children that are more common with younger children, such as rocking to sleep, bottle feeding, cuddling until the child falls asleep, etc. All this is well and good and maybe even necessary, but at what point can you prioritize your need for sleep?!?!?
We asked this question to the adoption therapists on the Creating a Family Radio Show on Sleep Issues with Adopted Kids. No one answer will fit every family, but the bottom line is that once you believe your child is secure it is fine to start focusing on creating sleep habits that are sustainable for everyone in the family. Ask yourself these questions:
- Does my child seem firmly attached during the day?
- Does he routinely turn to me for comfort and help?
- Has she been home long enough to feel secure?
- Was there something in his past history that makes nighttime a particularly anxious time?
Some families do not mind the constant attention at night or decide they are comfortable with co-sleeping or the family bed. If you are not one of those families, however, depending on the answers to these questions, it may be time to wean your child off your constant presence at night if that is your family goal.
Moving Towards Comfortable Sleep Habits
If your child’s sleep habits and bedtime routine is not a good long-term fit, there is help. Once you believe your child is firmly attached (and you can trust your gut on this) your goal should be to maintain the minimal emotional and physical presence necessary at night, but no more.
For example, if you have been lying with your child to get her to sleep, you gradually move to sitting on the bed, to sitting on the floor beside the bed, to sitting by the door, to sitting in the hall outside her door. If you have been sleeping with her all night, gradually you wean from laying in the bed, to sleeping on an air mattress on the floor beside the bed, to gradually in the hall, to your own bed with a monitor.
If your child has been sleeping with you and you want him to sleep in his own bed, talk with him about how he is growing up and how he can sleep by himself. Start with making a pallet on the floor beside your bed and then slowly move the pallet ever closer to his room.
Brainstorm with Your Child
Talk with your child about her needs and fears. Brainstorm ideas that would make it easier for her to feel connected to you at night without actually being with you. Some children find comfort having a picture of their parents near the bed. Others might want a transitional object that carries the smell of the parent such as using your pillow or sleeping with your t-shirt. Would listening to an audiobook help ease her into sleep? Would leaving the door open with a night light be helpful? Use a “baby” monitor and show your child how it works. Bottom line is to get your child involved in solving the problem.
If your child is fearful at night, it helps to talk about their fears. Parents may worry that they are encouraging the fears if they talk about them, but usually it is the opposite. Common fears at night include fear of not being able to fall asleep, fear of dying at night, and fear of bad guys and monsters. Parents can help children deal with their fears if they understand what they are.
For some kids, there fears are based on what actually happened in their life prior to adoption. For those children, their bedtime needs and fears are a symptom and give you insight into what they are trying to process. Talk with your child’s therapist about the best way to help your child heal from these experiences.
For the Very Active Child
Some kids are whirling dervishes during their every waking moment and the only time they have to slow down and think is at night. Thoughts can be scary and overwhelming. For these very active kiddos we may need to create an opportunity during the day for them to slow down enough to allow them to become accustomed to processing thoughts and to give them an opportunity to do it during the safer daytime hours.
The Trick is Your Belief
The reality is that often the real problem is our belief that our child is not capable of learning to sleep by themselves. Parents have to believe that their child can get to sleep and stay asleep before the child will believe it.
How have you helped your child get to sleep and stay there? Please share your tips and tricks in the comments.
Other Creating a Family Resources You Will Enjoy
- Transitioning Home: The First Months Post Adoption
- Sleep Issues with Adopted Children
- Sleep, Glorious Sleep
- Getting Kids to Sleep & Keeping Them There
- The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep
Source: Creating a Family Radio Show/Podcast: Sleep Issues with Adopted Kids with Beth Friedberg, LCSW specializing in adoption with The Modern Family Center with Spence-Chapin. Image credit:Shannon