Congratulations—you’ve been selected by an expectant mother! That’s a big milestone in your adoption journey, and it likely comes with a mix of excitement, nervousness, and maybe even a little uncertainty. How do you start building a relationship with this expectant mother? What do you share? What should you ask?

Share to Build an Authentic Relationship

Whether you’re a single parent, part of an LGBTQ+ couple, or adopting after years of dreaming about building your family, this next phase is about something much deeper than just “matching.” It’s about beginning a relationship with a real person and making an incredibly personal, emotional, and complex decision. This potential relationship isn’t just about the possibility of becoming parents. It’s also about honoring this person who is potentially entrusting you with their precious child. This is life-changing for all of you.

Let’s talk about how to move forward with respect, authenticity, and openness.

1. Breathe Deeply and Build Thoughtfully

It can be tempting to jump in and share everything: your story, struggles, and hopes for the future. And yes, your enthusiasm is beautiful. But pause and take a breath. This expectant mother may be just beginning to process her thoughts and emotions about her pregnancy and placing her child for adoption. Instead of overwhelming her with all the details you want her to know, focus on building a sustainable, honest, mutual relationship rooted in dignity and care.

Start by simply being present and real. Think about what kind of relationship you hope to have—not just now, but in the years to come. Adoption isn’t a one-time transaction. It can be the beginning of a lifelong connection.

2. Share Who You Are Beyond the Profile

She’s already seen your adoption profile and knows the basics—your family makeup, pets, where you live, maybe even what led you to adoption. But now is your chance to go deeper into the areas that matter to her and the life of the child she plans to place. As your relationship grows, you might share:

  • Your educational and career background
  • Future plans for travel, hobbies, and lifestyle
  • Insights into your friendships and extended family
  • Your favorite traditions or family quirks

Remember, you’re not just a hopeful adoptive parent—you’re a whole person. She may want to know more about how you live, what brings you joy, and what environment her child might grow up in.

Understanding Prenatal Exposure to Alcohol and Drugs

3. Talk Openly About Open Adoption

If you haven’t yet explored open adoption, now’s the time. Many expectant moms care deeply about what kind of contact and connection they might have with their child after placement.

Remember, this is a two-way conversation. Listen to her hopes and expectations for future relationships and openness. Consider how you (and your partner) can collaborate with her to realize those.

Be ready to talk about things like:

  • Your comfort level with future visits or communication
  • What kind of relationship you envision between her and the child
  • Your hopes and fears around openness

Additionally, your agency or attorney can offer education and support to help you understand open adoption’s legal, emotional, and relational dynamics. If you’re unsure, ask for resources—they exist to help you navigate these conversations with care.

4. Be Curious, Not Clinical

Yes, you need to know crucial information. Family health history, current life circumstances, and other personal details are essential to understanding the child’s background. However, approach these conversations with warmth and respect, not like you’re conducting an interview or documenting a medical file.

Ask these kinds of questions to help flesh out a full picture of this expectant mother. Employing curiosity with kindness can open the door to knowing each other more authentically. Express interest in her gifts and talents or free-time activities. Inquire about her childhood (proceed gently if you sense it is challenging to talk about!), and show your care for her goals and dreams for herself or for her child.

Your questions aren’t just about information-gathering but also about honoring her story. They will help you understand her and her child’s roots in a deeper, more human way.

5. Respect Her Autonomy and Humanity

It’s vital to remember that this expectant mother is more than a “birth parent” in waiting. She’s a whole person with a past, present, and future. Her role in your adoption journey is still a “potential” and only a part of her full story at that.

Avoid making assumptions about her choices or trying to steer the conversation in a way that serves your hopes. Ask what she wants for her child and for herself. Listen—truly listen—to her answers. And show her that you see her, not just the potential placement.

6. Know the Laws and Stay Transparent

Every state has different laws around what expenses can be paid and how gifts or financial support can be offered. Even with the best intentions, something as simple as buying a meal or sending a care package could be problematic without considering the legal boundaries.

Before you offer anything, check with your adoption agency or attorney. Be transparent about your actions and be willing to receive their guidance. Being open to their experience and leading will protect everyone involved—including the expectant mother—and help maintain trust and ethical standards throughout the process.

7. Keep the Communication Open

The adoption process can be overwhelming for everyone, with many emotions and uncertainties along the way. If you can approach the time leading into placement with honest, open communication and a willingness to be guided by your agency or attorney, you’ll lay a strong foundation for what’s to come.

Try to communicate your openness as you get to know each other better. You are not responsible for being perfect. Instead, you want to focus on being real, respectful, and responsive.

  • To her feedback and questions
  • To understand her hopes and boundaries
  • To keep the child’s well-being at the center of every decision

Raising Capable Kids (Regardless of Their Label)

8. Lean Into Support and Keep Learning

This part of the journey can feel incredibly personal and vulnerable. Don’t try to travel alone. Talk to your adoption professionals about how to navigate challenging conversations. Seek out stories from other adoptive parents like yourself who have built healthy relationships with their child’s birth family. Surround yourself with folks who will encourage and nurture your relationship with the child’s birth parents and be willing to learn how this relationship is good for all of you.

When you are committed to ongoing education throughout this child’s life, you can better understand what the relationships within this adoption require to grow and flourish. This season, full of emotions for both sides, will benefit from your humility, grace, and compassion.

Setting a Sure Foundation

As you continue your journey toward becoming a parent, don’t lose sight of the humanity of the woman at the center of this process. She is not simply your match—she is a person worthy of empathy, respect, and honest connection. Approach her not with the mindset of “winning” or “convincing,” but with the heart of someone eager to listen, to learn, and to build a relationship rooted in care.

That sturdy foundation won’t just help your adoption go more smoothly. It will also shape your child’s story in the healthiest, most honoring way possible.

Image Credits: freestocks.org; Alex Green; Julia M Cameron