You are planning to adopt from foster care, and you have tons of questions – for the social workers, for the trainers, and hopefully for yourselves. Embarking on an adoption plan requires curiosity, willingness to learn, and willingness to ask yourself hard questions. How do you know what to ask, when to ask it, and to whom to direct these questions? When you want to adopt from foster care, you often find it necessary to adjust your initial mindset.

Choosing a Flexible Mindset When You Adopt from Foster Care

Not surprisingly, when we posed this question to our online community of adoptive and foster parents, adoptees, and foster alumni, we got a wide range of responses. Most of what we discussed boiled down to these two distinct perspectives:

  • Is this child a good fit for our family?
  • Is our family a good fit for this child?

Many of our members felt strongly that the lens should only be “Are we a good fit for this child?” However, when you consider other factors like children already in the home or a family’s ability to manage special circumstances a child might bring, it’s apparent that the answer can lie somewhere in the middle of the two perspectives. Rather than thinking of these viewpoints as “either/or,” it might be helpful for prospective adoptive parents to consider how to embrace the “both/and” mindset:

Is this child a good fit for our family, and are we a good fit for this child?

Choosing this approach allows you to flex with the child’s needs as you learn them. However, it also allows you to identify where the child might need to catch up or develop new skills to adapt to your family as they settle in and learn how to BE in this new family.

Questions to Ask When You Adopt from Foster Care

We combed through many questions offered by experienced parents, adoptees, and foster alums to curate two lists of specific questions to ask when adopting from foster care. Remember that our lists are not exhaustive. The answers and the child’s unique circumstances will likely spark additional questions. However, they can help you navigate the many decisions pre-adoptive families face when presented with a possible match through the foster care system.

These questions aim to gather information to help you determine your readiness, identify gaps in your preparations, and consider how to meet the child’s needs best when you adopt from foster care. We’ve divided the questions into two categories to help you digest the suggestions.

Questions to Ask Yourself

There is tremendous value in thoughtful introspection for the sake of preparing well for your upcoming adoption from foster care. When you are honest with yourself, asking these questions might be uncomfortable, and the answers might be revealing. Even if this child has been in your home for quite a while as a foster child, transitioning to adoption means significant learning and adjustments for you all.

  • Am I trauma-informed? Am I prepared for transracial adoptive parenting? Am I prepared for older child adoption?
  • Do I have access to ongoing education and trauma-informed support for my family? (Yes, the answer is yes — you are here!)
  • Do I understand the immediate and long-term needs of a child with a history of prenatal exposure?
  • Do I view behavior as an expression of this child’s needs? Do I have the ability and willingness to look beneath even challenging and destructive behaviors to figure out what they are trying to tell me?
  • Can I change my parenting style to connect with and meet my child’s needs? Do I have access to tools to learn new or different parenting styles that will meet those needs?
  • Can I advocate for my child (at school, in social situations, at home, etc.) even when I disapprove of their behavior?
  • Can I emotionally self-regulate when all h*ll is breaking loose? Am I committed to teaching self-regulation through co-regulation?
  • Am I willing to do my own therapeutic work and look at my own issues? Do I have a therapist or counselor lined up to support me in this work?
  • Do I have a picture of a “perfect child?” Can I put that picture aside and instead parent the child before me?
  • Do I have practical support for our family, especially during their transition to our home? (Think of a family’s daily, weekly, and school-year cycles. Consider childcare, babysitting, household help, etc.)
  • Can I handle the financial, medical, or academic needs this child may bring to our family?
  • What additional support can I consider even before the child is adopted? (medical specialists, counseling, other therapists, respite or babysitting, financial planning, safe spaces for talking it out, etc.)

When working your way through this list, take time to pause and engage in honest analysis. If you are adopting with a spouse or partner, invite them to the process and discuss your thoughts. For those adopting from foster care as single parents, it’s even more critical to find the practical support mentioned – and to find someone to talk through this list candidly with you.

Therapy Resources for Adoptive, Foster, and Kinship Families

Questions to Ask About the Child

Adoption from foster care, especially if this child has not been in your home before the process, can often feel like you must hack through thickets of tangled vines to get the answers you seek. Files might be incomplete or inaccessible. Agencies are understaffed, and caseworkers are overworked. Navigating the dense forest of paperwork can indeed be disheartening.

However, this is a perfect time to advocate for this child and your family’s needs. Ask, keep asking, and keep cc’ing members of this child’s team until you get the information you need to make the best decision for this child and your family.

Can I see the child’s complete file?

Please be clear and direct with the caseworker. If you are poised to consider adopting this child, you want more than a summary. You want to read ALL of it. Ask for their health information, parent details, extended family connections, academic performance, behavior issues, previous placements, and contact information for earlier resource parents. The more information you can gather on this child before they formally join your family, the better.

Here’s an excellent example of why the entire file can be critical:

I also read the entire health file which was super important because there were early signs of asthma, which he does now have a diagnosis for, and which has been significant to manage. I was able to learn more about asthma preemptively before he came.

Additional questions that might come from reading the complete file can include:

  • How many placements have they experienced? Why were they moved?
  • Are they safe with younger children? With animals?
  • Depending on their age, is it safe to leave this child alone at home for short periods?
  • If the file is not specific, has this child experienced sexual abuse? What interventions did the child get, if yes?
  • Does the child have a record of behavioral issues at school? At home?
  • Do they have an IEP or 504?
  • Do the caseworkers suspect any undiagnosed issues (learning, behavior, mental health, etc.)
  • Does this child exhibit difficulty in forming attachments? Under what circumstances did they have those challenges? What interventions have they received?
  • What are their peer relationships like? How have they done in sibling situations?
  • If they are young enough, how have they handled regular childcare?

How does this child feel about adoption?

Whether or not the child has been part of your family for a while, listening to the caseworker’s sense of the child’s feelings can be informative. If the child is in your home already and old enough to verbalize their thoughts, get a sense of their feelings directly from them, too!

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What is this child’s temperament? Interests? Skills or talents?

For those adopting from foster care without first fostering the child, these questions can help you get to know the child without the child feeling as if they must perform or audition for your approval and acceptance. You can get a sense of the child while remaining open to experiencing this child’s unique personality on your own.

Try specific questions like these:

  • Do they like animals?
  • Do they enjoy the outdoors?
  • Do they love books, movies, or music?
  • Do they love sports? Which ones?
  • Are they part of a school team or community club?
  • Do they play an instrument?
  • Do they have a religious affiliation or spiritual community?

It’s also a great idea to ask how the child identifies if you don’t already know them. Many kids in the foster system self-identify with labels for race and culture, with different pronouns, as trans or as LGBTQIA+. If you have not had this child in your home for a long time before adoption, knowing their identity preferences can go a long way toward smoothing the transition to adoption for all of you. This information can also give you additional information on the gaps in your preparation.

Are there family members with whom the child will want contact?

Depending upon the safety issues (which the caseworker can offer guidance about), it’s crucial to discuss what a relationship or contact with this child’s birth family might look like. Do they want to participate in an open relationship? Do their ideas of openness match yours? Are they willing to negotiate and work out plans for contact together?

These Questions Only Scratch the Surface!

There are many other questions that pre-adoptive parents should ask when they want to adopt from foster care. The examples we’ve listed here are excellent starting points to get you thinking about your preparations and plans. Thanks to the online community of experienced parents, adoptees, and foster alumni who weighed in!

Remember, holding on to WHY you ask these questions is crucial, even when the questions or answers feel uncomfortable. You want to go into this adoption with your eyes wide open. By doing so, you can set yourself and this child up for successful integration into each other’s lives and the best opportunity to thrive together.

Image Credits: Sora Shimazaki; Alex Hrek; cottonbro studio (cropped)