Are you raising a child impacted by prenatal substance exposure to drugs and alcohol? What about a child with neurodiversity? Or a child affected by trauma, abuse, neglect, or loss? The challenges you face in parenting often bring their own brand of exhaustion and fatigue. However, sometimes, your ability to stretch the compassionate care you know this child needs cannot stretch one iota further. Blocked care is a difficult place to be, and parents and kinship caregivers might experience it without even knowing what is going on, which makes raising this child so tricky.

What is Blocked Care?

We’ve all experienced moments of feeling overwhelmed by the demands of raising our kids. Dinner is running late because you forgot to preheat the oven. Your partner got pulled into a meeting and won’t be around to share the carpool duties for soccer practice. The toddler is screaming, and after everyone inhales their (late) dinner, you must pile everyone into the car and trek across town. You are frazzled, they are frazzled, and everyone is miserable. Fortunately, although these events are stressful and overwhelming, they typically resolve when the crisis resolves. Your brain and body can return to a regulated state representing your “norm.”

However, when a parent or caregiver experiences extreme or sustained levels of stress, their nervous system can get overwhelmed. They may subconsciously shut down as a self-protective mechanism. Do you struggle to feel love, attachment, or emotional connection with your child, grandchild, or nephew? Do you feel like you are struggling to go through the motions of parenting? You may be experiencing “blocked care.”

Many factors can contribute to your experience of blocked care, including things like:

  • A child’s challenging, extreme behaviors or trauma impacts
  • Significant life changes or stressors such as divorce, sickness, family crises
  • Unrealistic or unmet expectations in this parenting experience
  • Unresolved grief or trauma

How Can I Avoid or Overcome Blocked Care?

There is good news, though. When you educate yourself, you can get back on track, address your overwhelm, and learn how to meet your needs and your child’s. These three tips can help you understand and prevent blocked care or support you in overcoming it in your parenting experience.

Tip #1: Understand the cycle and the signs.

Children need to experience a healthy attachment cycle. The attachment cycle is the repetitive expressions of need and responses to that need between a child and parent that build the connection between you. When this attachment cycle breaks and the child loses trust, many parents and caregivers can find it hard to form the connection that is vital for loving care and nurturing.

Maybe your child joined your family well after the baby stage, and early attachment cycles were broken, inconsistent, or unpredictable for your child. Maybe you didn’t intentionally seek to add this child to your family. Your child might have significant, overwhelming behaviors that are challenging to manage. You want to understand and meet the needs they are expressing, but you are at a loss for how to do that.

When the attachment cycle between a child and their primary caregiver breaks down or is unformed by time, repetition, and trust, it can create tension for all. There are several signs you might be struggling with blocked care, including a sense of shame or guilt, feelings of resentment, sadness, and anger. You can take a free assessment of the ten signs of blocked care to help you understand what to look for.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

Tip #2: Try these practical tips.

1. Take care of your nervous system.

Our nervous systems need good fuel, restorative rest, and cues of felt safety. Prioritize good sleep habits, healthy eating, hydration, and physical movement in your daily life.

2. Look for joy!

What brings you joy? Can you remember? Write down the things you think of that fill you with pleasure and set a plan to do those things intentionally. You might find that joy in something as simple as a cup of special herbal tea, a few minutes of quiet reading each morning, or a walk outside in the fresh air. Whatever brings you joy, look forward to it, and notice how it feels when you are doing it. And do it regularly. The key is to train your brain to seek joy instead of focusing on life’s stresses. You can create this healthy shift in your nervous system.

3. Reclaim compassion for yourself and your child.

Looking for reminders of your child’s preciousness can stir up your affection for your child. One example could be the earliest fu, funniest, or cutest picture you have of your child. Display it where you’ll see it often to remind yourself of that sweetness.

Try to remember that behavior is communication. What is your child trying to tell you about their needs? When you try to understand the reasons behind their behaviors, you can feel compassion for them and equip yourself with the tools to help them overcome their struggles. Believe in your ability to meet those needs and make a difference in their lives. It is helpful to post daily affirmations that can help retrain your thoughts.

4. Establish a healthy mindset.

Along with the healthy affirmations, try some self-reflection. Do your expectations need adjusting? Are you feeling out of control with your circumstances? You can benefit from working with a therapist or trusted friend to process and grieve the loss of those unmet or mismatched expectations.

Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” can also help, rather than focusing on what frustrates you and what you cannot control. Many parents find it helpful to keep a gratitude journal while working through blocked care.

5. Surround yourself with life-giving people.

Hopefully, you have a few trusted friends or family members who “get it” when you’re going through hard times. You might also have a safe parent group, an online support group, or a spiritual advisor. Whoever your safe people are, connect with them and be honest about what you are experiencing. It’s common for parents experiencing blocked care to isolate themselves, so counter that with connections to the folks who comfort and support you.

6. Connect with your child.

Finding your way back to a good relationship with your child is essential. One way to do this is by giving an unexpected “yes” to them, even if it breaks your typical parenting rules. That might be a spontaneous run to McDonald’s for shakes and fries, letting them stay up past their regular bedtime, or a request from your child that you don’t usually allow.

Find other ways to connect positively with your child, like planning a movie night, game night, regular ice cream date, or even a secret family handshake. By adding small positive moments, you aim to rebuild the relationship.

The IDEAL Response: How to Maintain Connection When Correcting Your Child

7. Seek more significant support if your struggles have gone too far.

All parents and caregivers need a break from parenting duties occasionally. These breaks are even more crucial when your family is in a season of intensity, and you feel that your compassion is dull, or your nervous system is overwhelmed.

If you aren’t at a crisis point, make respite a regular part of your schedule before reaching your last straw. Some families may need to seek in-home treatment. Others need regular adoption-competent therapy for their family. If you are struggling to figure out what you need right now, go to your safe people and ask for help sorting through the issues to plan your support.

Tip #3: Give yourself grace.

This is hard. Full stop. Regardless of the circumstances that brought you to this place of blocked care, being a foster or adoptive parent or kinship caregiver is hard. It’s hard for you and your partner. And it’s hard for this child.

Talk to yourself with the same compassion and grace you’d give to your best friend. Be gentle with yourself and offer gentleness to your child. You are not alone in this experience of blocked care, and you don’t have to recover alone, either.

If you are looking for your people, please join our online community. We are a vibrant community of experienced parents and caregivers, adult adoptees, foster alums, and birth parents invested in the future of our children. You will find many like-minded folks who have walked a path like you.

Image Credits: Mikhail Nilov; RDNE Stock project; Liza Summer