Welcoming a loved one’s child to your home, whether a grandchild, family friend, nephew, or niece, will be a significant adjustment for you all. A child impacted by trauma, neglect, prenatal exposure, or loss may have challenging behaviors or display tremendous grief. It may have been many years since you faced your own children’s outbursts, tantrums, or acting out at school. The battles over screen time might be entirely new to you. Add the layers of grief and disappointment you feel about your loved one’s life choices that ended up in this child needing your care — no wonder you are scratching your head and wondering how you got here.

Try to remember this child is coming to your home with a wide range of scary experiences and lots of big emotions. Have compassion for their struggles and remember that none of you are at your best in these early days. Establish an easy-to-follow, consistent routine that this child can predict and rely on as they manage their adjustment. Take care of yourself with consistent sleep routines, good food, and physical activity.

Once you are settled in together and learning how to navigate daily life in this new dynamic, consider what you can do to educate yourself about this child’s needs. Do they struggle in school? Is it a comprehension issue or a behavior problem? What are their challenging behaviors trying to “say” that maybe they cannot verbalize? Ask yourself what makes this child shine. What are their strengths, and how can you provide more opportunities to build confidence and self-esteem? Use this information to guide you to the right resources and support for the child to thrive.

Continue to educate yourself and other adults caring for this child about the impacts of trauma and the realities of the losses they have experienced. Learn how trauma affects physical and cognitive development. Find a support network for your family – practical care and emotional support to sustain you in the challenging moments of raising this kinship child. Finding the proper support and building your “village” is vital to helping your family through this adjustment. CreatingaFamily.org has an active and supportive online community of people raising grandchildren, nieces, and other family members. They generously share their experiences and support each other through the good and hard times.