When you are in the throes of raising your nephew, niece, grandchild, or any other kinship child, it’s easy to get caught up in your busy pace and go through the motions of daily life. Sometimes, you can mindlessly go through the rote actions of waking up, getting everyone out the door, putting dinner on the table, and tending to homework. You fall into bed only to start it all the following day. Kinship caregivers play a unique and vital role in the healing and overall well-being of the children in their homes. And it’s good for your mental and emotional health to pause, consider your actions and remember why you are doing them!

The Vital Role of Kinship and Relative Caregivers

Whether you’ve adopted this child or you are caring for them while their parents get back on their feet and try to reunite with this child, the work you do to raise this child is essential. Providing a safe, loving, nurturing environment where this child can re-discover childhood is foundational to their future success. There are several areas in which research shows that children who cannot live with Mom or Dad can heal and learn to thrive when living with aunts and uncles, siblings, or grandparents.

In the Children’s Mental Health

We know that children who live through chaotic experiences, neglect, abuse, or exposure to an adult with a substance abuse disorder have increased struggles with anxiety, depression, behavior challenges, and academic performance. Children who come to live with relatives when it’s not safe to live at home experience reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and fear. They can lower their guard and thus be more accessible to learn, catch up on developmental skills, and learn how to trust a caregiver.

By creating a safe, loving, welcoming home, you can address the mental toll of the chaos, confusion, and unpredictability they’ve lived through. By offering them structure, nurture, and consistency, you give their hypervigilance and survival responses a break. Their brain can be about the critical work of growing up. You can also offer them the space and skills to learn resilience, problem-solving skills, and other crucial executive function skills that set them up for success now and in the future.

For the Children’s Emotional Health

Closely tied to mental health, a child’s emotional health suffers when they are in an environment of chaos and unpredictability. They learn early to protect themselves and fear connection with their caregivers because the responses they get are inconsistent, abusive, or dismissive. These unhealthy environments and relationships with their parents can often cause delays in stress management skills, coping with internal discomfort, and challenging behaviors. Research also indicates that abusive and neglectful home life can trigger feelings of “powerlessness, shame, and guilt, and further lead to internalizing problems (Gibson & Leitenberg, 2001).”

Children also tend to make adult behaviors and choices about them: they assume they did something wrong to make Mom or Dad act the way they did. While we understand that adults make unhealthy decisions that have nothing to do with their children, kids internalize those things differently, and their view of self is harmed. Low self-esteem, self-loathing, or self-blame are common in kids from challenging situations like those that led this child to your home.

Children need to know they are loved unconditionally and accepted for exactly who they are. Your tender care, consistent responses, and guidance can open this child’s heart to healing their view of themselves and their family circumstances. Kinship caregivers can hold up a relational mirror to these children and helping them see themselves as precious and cherished can help them re-work their view of themselves and relay the foundation of a healthy identity.

In Addressing Behavior Challenges

A child who struggles to understand who they are, how they fit into this confusing story of their life, and who they can safely trust may behave in some baffling ways. Acting out at home or school often indicates that they have unmet needs and cannot yet discuss them. They may not yet have the verbal skills to express themselves. They may have underlying fear and stress about how to say it. If this relationship is new to you both, this child might need more safe experiences with you to know there are healthier ways to get their needs met.

By offering this child repeated, predictable, and safe responses to their most troubling behaviors, you are helping re-wire their brains for trust. When you choose to address the needs you think they might be struggling to express, you are telling them you SEE them and hear their heart’s cry. You might feel frustrated that their teachers or coaches don’t understand why they act out this way. But we promise that when they hear you advocating for them at school, church, or soccer practice, they get the message, “I matter to Grandma.” They can learn to trust you to meet their needs. Those challenging behaviors can be re-directed, unlearned, and even reduced.

Keeping Your Cool When Your Kids Are Losing Theirs

The Vital Task of Protecting Your Mental Health

You can significantly impact these (and many other) areas of your grandchild or nephew’s childhood. However, making that impact hinges upon taking care of yourself and protecting your mental health. The mental and emotional toll of raising a child – especially if it was an unexpected choice – can be enormous. You deserve to be as healthy as possible to meet the demands of this task. And the child you are raising deserves it, too.

How to access mental health support

One of the most common struggles we hear from families is that it is complex, confusing, and difficult to find mental health support that suits their family’s needs. We get it. Therapists have long waiting lists and limited hours, and billing through insurance can be a nightmare. But private pay is expensive! We don’t have a magic bullet for solving these issues, but we have a few suggestions that may help.

Kinship caregivers outside of the foster system

Many kinship caregiver situations occur outside of the formal US child welfare system, so know that you are not alone! However, you may have to work harder to set yourself up with a network of support that builds up your mental and emotional health. Weathering the tough times as a kinship family can be a lonely experience, so protect your mental and emotional health by trying some of these suggestions:

  • Contact the local foster agency for classes, groups, or other opportunities to gather and build skills.
  • Find your state’s Kinship Navigator Program or Generations United’s Grandfamilies & Kinship Support Network to learn about resources around you.
  • Contact your insurance carrier for a list of the mental health resources in-network. Interview a few to find a good fit. Count those appointments as self-care!
  • Consider therapy or counseling for this child.
  • Create a network of safe, reliable caregivers for your kinship child. Schedule babysitting regularly and work up to occasional overnight trips. Your brain and your body need a break.
  • Join an online or in-person supportive community.
  • Keep your body active and moving. Exercise, yoga, dance classes, or whatever keeps you fit and active will yield excellent benefits for your mental health.
  • Connect with one or two other kinship caregivers in your faith community, school district, etc., for lunch or coffee every month.
  • Find a therapist or counselor with experience in kinship family dynamics or families of persons with substance abuse disorders.
  • Engage in regular, nourishing self-care daily, weekly, and monthly. Even 15 minutes a day of some activity you love can restore balance and calm your mental status.

Finding support within the foster system

For kinship caregivers raising kids within the foster care system, you can access mental health support like therapy, respite care, learning opportunities, and support groups by reaching out to your caseworker. You can also contact other foster care agencies and foster parent groups for a calendar of their sponsored events, parent groups, and continuing education.

Consider asking your caseworker or agency for recommendations of resources provided by others in your region. They often have a network of other reputable organizations they can suggest.

Kinship caregiver support from the school system

Many school districts have social workers, guidance counselors, and Student Assistance Program counselors who keep family resource lists. You can contact them for parent groups, webinars, book lists, and other opportunities to build your skills and increase your confidence in your work to help this child heal.

Some schools even host special education or kinship-specific events to support their districts’ growing community of kinship care providers. Gathering with other kinship caregivers in your local district can stave off isolation and loneliness – being with others who “get it” is crucial to navigating this path.

Strengthening & Supporting Your Transracial Child

Take Care of Yourself to Take Care of This Child

Your attention to your mental and emotional well-being while raising this child is crucial to being present and meeting this child’s needs. We say it often, but intentional self-care is vital to your family. Finding and implementing appropriate support and services around you is practical self-care! Your role in this child’s life cannot be understated, and you deserve the best support and care you can put together.

Image Credits: Kampus Production; Ron Lach; Kampus Production