Kinship care is fraught with complicated emotions for many reasons. When raising a family member’s child, you might feel discouraged about others’ life choices that require you to step in for these kids. You may be angry or hurt over unresolved conflicts. Your pre-existing relationship with the child’s parents can make shared parenting challenging – especially during the holidays or around significant family events.

Help for Shared Parenting When You are a Kinship Caregiver

Whether you are an aunt, grandparent, or family friend, consider that there will be no one-size-fits-all solution for navigating this relationship. Co-parenting with your family members to keep the child’s best interest at the center of your focus is complex and unique to your family’s situation. Legal considerations, safety concerns, and the child’s parent’s situation are just a few factors determining what healthy co-parenting looks like for your family. It will help if you decide to be as flexible and adaptable as possible while prioritizing the child’s safety and stability as their current caregiver.

However, there are specific things you can do to help you establish positive shared parenting while you are in the kinship caregiver role.

1. Set Firm Rules and Boundaries for Shared Parenting.

As soon as you can manage the conversation, clearly define the boundaries of your and the parent’s roles. Be sure every involved adult understands who is responsible for what and what each party can do. Be specific in your language, even if it feels unnecessary or repetitive from previous conversations.

Consistently enforced boundaries will reduce the chance of misunderstandings or repeated negotiations about what is and is not allowed. Clearly stated rules can also increase the child’s sense of safety. Knowing who is in charge helps the child learn to trust that someone will care for them consistently and predictably.

A practical example:

If your kinship child is not allowed to ride in a vehicle driven by their parent, state this clearly. Ensure that everyone caring for this child – the school, respite providers, extended family – knows this rule. Try to agree upon acceptable alternatives, such as calling another mutually agreed upon adult, if you cannot pick this child up in the designated routine. Ensure you can drop the child off for scheduled visits with their parents. Always keep each other informed of contingency plans that respect the rules.

2. Stay Positive.

No matter what the issues are that caused this child to be in your care, keep your conversations and tone positive when you talk about their parents. Avoid complaining or talking down about them. This doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about their parents. However, do so respectfully or kindly. If you need a safe space to vent or discuss challenges you experience with this child’s parent, find a therapist to help you work through those feelings.

The Joys and Challenges of Kinship Caregiving

3. Avoid Comparisons in Co-Parenting.

Be especially careful about comparing the child you are raising to their parents. Understandably, you might worry that your kinship child will struggle with the same issues their parents face. However, unfavorable comparisons or exposure to your worry will weigh the child down with shame and fear. This issue would be appropriate to discuss with your counselor or therapist.

4. Keep the Child Out of the Middle.

It’s normal to have disagreements and arguments with your child’s parents. Remember, though, that you must shield the child from those dynamics. Keep the contentious issues between only the adults involved and recognize that the child didn’t ask for any of this.

Whenever possible, remind the child’s parents that this child doesn’t deserve to be in the middle of grown-up issues, hard conversations, or sticky situations. However, be prepared to take the high ground – mainly if the relationship with your grandchild’s parent is rocky.

A practical example:

If your grandchild’s parent breaks your rule about driving with their child, define it as such. Assure your grandchild that this was a grown-up choice and not their fault. Talk to your grandchild about how they could handle this situation in the future. However, do so in a way that the child doesn’t feel responsible for their parent’s choice to break the rule. Kids naturally take the blame onto themselves when their adults make mistakes. You can mitigate the child’s feelings of self-blame by not questioning them or digging for more information.

If you struggle to keep the child out of things, contact a therapist or social worker for help. Your kinship child should not feel forced to choose sides between you and their parents and might benefit from time with a counselor as well.

5. Talk and Keep Talking About Working Together.

Actively listen to the child’s parents and hear their concerns without judgment. Don’t point fingers or assign blame. It’s tempting to act as if your decisions and opinions are correct. After all, you’re not the one who “screwed up.” However, this sort of adversarial approach doesn’t help keep the focus on what is best for this child. Remember, the child is the priority here.

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Keep these essential points in mind:

  • Accept that mistakes have already been made. Focus your energy on how to work together to make the most of the situation. Think instead about how to set the child up for success together. The child’s parents deserve to be active voices in conversations and decisions about their child.
  • Plan a time for this conversation when you aren’t already arguing. Once you are in the discussion, try to remain calm and focused on creating a plan you can both live with. If substance abuse is an issue, try to have this conversation when the child’s parents aren’t impaired.
  • And finally, be prepared to make concessions when you can, especially about small things. The more the parents feel they are being heard and that their opinions matter, the more likely they are to go along in other instances when you can’t offer choices.

A practical example:

You want to sign your granddaughter up for an after-school activity. Your daughter had previously enrolled her daughter in a ballet class across town and wants her to return. It’s a little out of your way, but agreeing to this class tells your daughter you value her parenting experience.

Another practical example:

Your great nephew needs a haircut before his holiday concert. There’s a barber nearby who can fit him in today. However, your nephew prefers the Black barber that his family goes to. Choosing the barber he likes is an easy way to respect this child’s father, extended family, and culture.

6. Form a Partnership with the Child’s Parent.

Make every effort to create a sustainable and productive partnership for co-parenting this child. This child’s parent may not be able to function as a parent right now. Try to figure out what role this parent can take in the child’s life and match their ability to the child’s experience with them.

A practical example:

Your family’s traditional Christmas gift exchange may be too big, too chaotic, or too much pressure for this child’s parent. Instead, consider an alternate date to exchange gifts between the child and their parent. Guide the child toward simple, heartfelt presents that tell the parents they are loved. Please work with the parent on a gift for their child that they can afford or that you can cover for them until they can manage it themselves. Prepare the child for a low-key event and focus on other meaningful events they can enjoy.

7. Bring In Professional Help.

As early in this shared parenting relationship as you can, seek the help of a social worker, therapist, or mediator. Gain their insights to identify and define roles and troubleshoot problems. Contact the Kinship Navigator Program (if your state has one) or your county’s child welfare department and ask for recommendations – even if you are not working through the formal child welfare system.

If alcohol or drugs are part of the parents’ struggle, begin attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for the support it offers. If your kinship child is old enough, encourage them to attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon Family Group.

In Shared Parenting, The Goal is Stability for the Child

No one said this path would be easy. We can guarantee that it won’t be, at least at first. But when you take the time to form a healthy co-parenting relationship with your child’s parents, things will be easier in the long run. Your family’s version of healthy shared parenting will depend on your family’s unique circumstances. It will likely change over time. Hopefully, the child’s parents can take a more active role as they heal. Remember, though, that recovery is an uneven line. Things might deteriorate for the parents or volley between highs and lows. Likewise, your role in this child’s life may change over time.

Be prepared to roll with the punches, remembering that the ultimate goal is to ensure safety and stability for the child through it all. In the meantime, investing your time and attention in open communication and a good partnership with the child’s parent can help everyone involved make the best of the situation.

Image Credits: Kampus Production; Mikhail Nilov; Monstera Production