As a foster or resource parent, your “job description” includes co-parenting with this child’s parents to provide nurture and care for their child. Establishing this relationship can be challenging, and creating a firm foundation can take time. However, there is good evidence that working together for the child’s good is worth your efforts. These strategies for co-parenting in foster care can help you smooth the way toward a healthy, beneficial relationship for this child and their family.

Acknowledge the Imbalance of Power

Under the best of circumstances, relationships between unrelated adults can be complicated. This new relationship with total strangers facing the most challenging moments of their lives is about as far from the best of circumstances as anyone can imagine. The healthiest of relationships typically share a balance of power. Although “co-parenting” implies a sense of equality, the power balance in this relationship does not weigh in the child’s parent’s favor.

  • You may have little in common with these birth parents.
  • You bring your foster training and “approved” skills to the relationship.
  • You are part of “the system” as the designated safe place for their child.

These factors can make it challenging to establish a co-parenting relationship. The six strategies here can help you create a more equitable balance of power in the dynamics with your foster child’s parents. Consider sharing these tips with the child’s caseworker before implementing them – especially if safety issues are involved.

1. Establish Contact Early in the Placement.

As soon as you’ve received the placement of their child, reach out to the birth parents. The child’s caseworker should be able to offer their contact information and the best contact method at least to start.

Assure the parents that you will take good care of their child for as long as they are in your home. Sadly, many birth parents hear horror stories about foster parents hurting children, being overly strict, or only being foster parents “for the money.” Be prepared for their preconceived notions and gently help them understand your intentions.

If an in-person meeting or phone call is not an option, please send a note like this: “I will take good care of your precious child until you can return home. I know you all miss each other.”

Partnering with Birth Parents in Foster Care

2. Reinforce that You Want to Co-Parent, Not Replace Them.

These parents are likely feeling shame and embarrassment over losing the right to parent their child right now. Please assure them you are not trying to replace them in this child’s life. Respect that they know their child better than anyone else. Let them know you want to work with them, not against them.

Using language that reinforces their primary role as parents, ask questions to help you get to know this child:

  • What do your children like to eat?
  • Does your child have allergies? Food aversions?
  • What is your household’s typical bedtime routine?
  • Is your child afraid of the dark?
  • What do you want the children to call us?

3. Keep Your Language Positive in Co-Parenting.

This child deserves support to keep loving and connecting with their parents – even if they cannot do so in person. Do your best to only speak positively about the parents – especially when talking to or around the child. When talking around or with the child, try to use words that reassure them of their connection and reinforce their bond.

  • Your mom really loves you.
  • I bet your dad will love this drawing.
  • Your mom will be so proud of this ‘A’ on your spelling test.

If you need to vent or express complex thoughts about the child’s parents, find a safe space with a trusted confidante.

4. Don’t Take the Parents’ Anger Personally!

These parents are facing the most challenging circumstances of their lives. Naturally, they might be angry. It may be difficult to communicate with them. They may act rudely, be hostile on phone calls, or push you away verbally or emotionally. Their outward behaviors are likely expressions of intense grief and fear that they don’t know how to verbalize. Consider ways that you can defuse or re-direct their complex emotions. Reassure them with empathy:

  • This is a terrible, painful situation. I’m so sorry you are struggling.
  • Remember, your child is safe with us until you finish your program.
  • What can I do to let your child know you love them today?

5. Include Them When and Where You Can.

If your foster child’s caseworker approves, consider when and where you can include the child’s parents in the child’s life while they live with you. Invite them to doctor appointments, school or community activities, teacher meetings, church functions, birthdays, and family holidays.

When the child’s parents attend, intentionally introduce them as the child’s parent. Advocate for their role as the child’s parents by asking medical and educational personnel to discuss the child’s needs directly with the parents. You might have to re-direct in-person conversations occasionally, but establishing this dynamic encourages the parents to step back into their parenting role.

6. Take Every Occasion to Build The Parents Up.

Remember that you are involved in this child’s life because the parents have hit the lowest moments of their life. Take any and every opportunity to encourage them and shore up their strengths. Building their self-confidence will go a long way toward supporting your co-parenting relationship.

Intentionally offer a positive affirmation at each visit or call. Even if it’s challenging to come up with something each time, you are sharing your strength with them and, in the process, also modeling how to be better parents.

  • Congratulations on getting your GED. Let’s celebrate on our next visit.
  • You look great in that yellow shirt.
  • Junior loves the way you fix pot roast. Will you tell me how to make it?
  • Suzy is the fastest runner on her soccer team. Does she get her speed from you?

Free guide to raising kids impacted by trauma

Live the Golden Rule in Co-Parenting

Your strategic connection with these parents will help them rebuild their parenting skills while working to reunite with their child. Treat your foster child’s parents with the same compassion and kindness you would want to experience in a difficult season. Remember that you are modeling healthy life habits and adult behavior to them and your foster child.

Image Credits: fauxels; Ketut Subiyanto; Los Muertos Crew