CreatingaFamily.org was fortunate to enjoy interacting with the late great Dr. Karyn Purvis on a few of our early podcasts, and each time, we learned something new. This week marks nine years since she passed away. In her honor, we’re sharing six essential things she urged all families to focus on when welcoming a new child into their home. As you will see, she had a gift for simplifying deep concepts and teaching others how to implement them to help a child thrive.

6 Essentials for Welcoming a Child

Whether a child comes to you through adoption, fostering, or agreeing to raise a relative’s child, they need to know they are safe and treasured. Building security so they can trust you requires more than a clean, safe bed and regular meals. Their hearts and minds need attention that they may have missed in their earlier years. Their bodies also need time, resources, and space to catch up.

These six essentials will help you target your intentions and efforts and give you a solid foundation for building the attachment that will help them flourish. We’ve fleshed them out from Dr. Purvis’s original one- or two-sentence “quick” tips format to help you catch the full intent while welcoming this child.

1. Give your child the gift of you.

Spend focused time with this child. If you can manage it, try to spend a minimum of 6 weeks at home with a newly adopted child. Don’t rush them into school or daycare if you can help it.

When you are home together, offer copious and repetitive opportunities for face-to-face time. Play card games, sing and dance in the kitchen, tell stories, and read books. Do things they love. Introduce them to things the rest of your family enjoys. If face-to-face is too intimate for them at the start, ease them into it by starting with side-by-side, fun, and focused time.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

2. Provide food and hydration every 2 hours.

Focus on fueling this child frequently for at least the first 6 months. Did you know research shows that kids who have experienced trauma are often chronically dehydrated? To start, offer them what they will eat or drink. Try not to worry too much about nutritional value, especially if it means they won’t touch it. Later, you can introduce new foods slowly once you have established trust.

3. Provide a physical or sensory activity every 2 hours.

When you welcome a child who has experienced a lot of change, chaos, or loss, you should expect that they will have big feelings that they don’t know how to manage. Big feelings with nowhere to go can turn into big, challenging behaviors. Preventatively offer opportunities to get their bodies moving and their minds settled with various physical activities and sensory experiences. A few examples could include:

  • jumping jacks
  • biking
  • trampolines
  • kitchen dance parties
  • fidget toys
  • backyard soccer
  • sensory buckets
  • finger painting

4. Assume they are emotionally younger than their age.

One of the typical impacts of trauma, early childhood losses, and prenatal substance exposure is a delay in emotional development. Assume that your child is about forty percent behind their chronological age. When you approach your new child with this assumption, you can more easily expect them to behave according to their emotional age and thus accept it.

5. Focus on saying yes more often than saying no.

Many kids impacted by trauma will interpret “no” as an outright rejection of their whole person, not just the request they are making. To build up their trust and ability to handle a loving, necessary “no,” you will have to offer many more responses of “yes” than “no.” A good rule of thumb is to say 7 “yeses” to every “no.”

You might need to get creative with turning a “no” into something that feels like and sounds like a “yes,” so be patient while practicing. Re-directs or “let me think about that for a minute” are excellent “stalling tactics” you can try while you get the hang of saying “yes” more often!

6. Read up on sensory processing issues.

One of the hallmarks of the late Dr. Purvis’s work is her understanding of the sensory processing issues that children experience because of trauma, loss, neglect, or institutional living.

You can start with Dr. Purvis’s book, The Connected Child,* but here are a few other resources to help educate yourself:

Depending on your child’s needs, preferences, and tolerance, you could investigate resources like baby massage or the Wilbarger Brushing Protocol. YouTube also offers many instructional videos to support kids with sensory challenges. Please consult a physical or occupational therapist or check with your pediatrician for a reliable recommendation.

Additional Resources from Dr. Karyn Purvis

We are grateful for the opportunities we had to learn from Dr. Purvis. If you haven’t seen these resources, we recommend you check them out this week. Our community of parents and caregivers owe so much to her pioneering work and unflagging belief that each precious child can heal and thrive when their needs are understood and met by prepared, educated adults who love them.

Image Credits: Vladimir Srajber; Antoni Shkraba

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