Parenthood is stressful, isn’t it? We love these precious kids, but raising them can significantly strain our marriage or partnership. For those of us raising children impacted by trauma, prenatal exposure, or early life loss, the layers pile higher. Parents and caregivers need help maintaining a strong marriage while raising adopted, foster, or kinship kids.

*A note on language: When we use the term “marriage” in this context, please understand that we include your long-term, committed partnerships and significant adult relationships.

Maintaining a Strong Marriage is Hard!

A typical dynamic for many marriages is that one partner manages the children’s medical needs, school issues, or extra-curricular activities. This pattern is even more common in adoption, foster care, and kinship caregiving. This same partner has done the research and training for trauma-informed parenting, the impacts of prenatal exposure, and how to advocate with a case worker or education team. Often, this parent has also been the “pusher” or “moving force” that pursued the adoption or foster care process. Often, this parent is the mother.

This dynamic does not bode well when the couple must face the challenges of raising kids impacted by trauma. However, it’s a familiar dynamic, and couples should not feel shame or guilt for falling into these roles. You are not alone; it happens more frequently than we can count for you.

Evergreen Wisdom for a Strong Marriage

At this point, it does not serve anyone to say that the less-educated, less-pusher parent (often the father) in your home needs to have been educated before getting to the point of crisis or challenge in your marriage. As the saying goes, “That ship has already sailed.”

So, what can you do when your marriage is laboring under the layers of your child’s trauma? How can you maintain – or maybe begin to repair – a partnership that is fraying at the seams from the pressures of raising adopted, foster, or kinship children?

CreatingaFamily.org was privileged to conduct several interviews with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis over the years. If you are unfamiliar, Dr. Purvis was the co-author of The Connected Child* and The Connected Parent*, and founder of the (now re-named) Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at TCU. She and her co-author, Dr. David Cross, were the creators of the trauma-informed parenting model now called Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI)™.

Dr. Purvis’s wisdom and practical tips are evergreen and implementable starting today for almost any marriage or significant partnership if you are willing to work together.

1. Make time for each other.

Learning how to nurture your marriage while parenting any child is crucial. Nurture takes time, and it takes intention. For example, you must commit to spending time together as partners rather than as parents. You need designated time alone, not discussing the kids, the house, your budget, or other pressing real-life problems.

One practical way to get adequate time as partners is to plan a weekly “Date Night.” Your dates don’t have to be only out of the house, at night, or expensive. You can schedule a mix of date nights at home and time out together, focusing on activities you both enjoy. The main point is to schedule time to do it regularly. Dr. Purvis suggested taking a walk together regularly. The bottom line is to find a way to have fun together again.

2. Model what works.

Rather than telling your partner how to do things, show them. If the way you are doing things works to improve your child’s behavior and lower their anxiety, your spouse will see it. Sometimes, our words get in the way. For example, you’ve noticed that your child responds to light-hearted, funny re-directions when they resist your corrections. Keep re-directing, making funny faces, and using silly voices. Praise your child when they adjust course. Your partner can see you are having success with this tool.

Connected Parenting: Understanding TBRI

3. Who should educate?

Indeed, you must find time to talk about the kids’ behaviors, progress in school, and other daily life issues. Be aware that the less-educated or less-involved parent will respond poorly if they feel ambushed every time you talk. Pay attention to how you talk about the challenges you observe. Think about how often you approach them only with what they should do differently or how they need to do things right.

Consider that it might be better for all of you if someone else is helping educate your spouse. Could they attend your child’s therapy session and learn from the therapist what is working best for this child right now? Would they be open to listening to a CreatingaFamily.org podcast on one of the significant issues your family is facing? Would they listen to other podcasts or audiobooks during their commute or workouts?

4. Get serious about self-care.

Parenting is hard work. Raising children impacted by trauma is harder still. If you are stressed and worried about the health of your marriage, you are under enormous strain. These stress levels make many (all?) of us difficult to live with. It’s also terrible for your overall health.

You owe it to yourself and your marriage to care for yourself. Some elements of self-care will be different for each of you. Try to have some fun figuring out what nourishes and refreshes you most — together and individually!

Still, there are a few starting points that we highly recommend you implement as soon as possible:

  1. Establish a healthy, consistent sleep routine.
  2. Get moving – incorporate some physical activity daily, even if it’s only 15 minutes to start.
  3. Eat healthy, nutritious meals. If you can get family meals in there, it’s a double win!
  4. Find one thing to look forward to every day – 30 minutes in a good book, a favorite true crime podcast, or an episode of your favorite show.

Other ideas for nourishing, ongoing self-care can include things like:

  • Attend a couples’ retreat or marriage conference
  • Plan a night out with your closest friends
  • Schedule a monthly massage
  • Purchase a meal planning app to relieve your mental load
  • Treat yourself to a Saturday morning alone at the coffee shop
  • Take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try

5. Show some compassion.

Though it feels simplistic to say so, most mothers have an internal imperative that wants to nurture their children and figure out how to meet their children’s needs. Most dads desire to protect their family. (We recognize these are common gender stereotypes that may or may not fit your family. However, these generalizations can be helpful toward understanding the dynamics in a struggling marriage.)

However, the point is that a parent can feel caught in the cycles of chaos typical to a child who is struggling with the aftermath of abuse and neglect. Mom might feel stumped and stuck by the child’s resistance to her nurture. Dad may feel powerless to protect the family from this child’s chaos. Both feelings are a lousy place to be and can lead to a parent giving up or shutting down.

Your partner deserves your compassion. You can work to lower your frustration levels with your partner by offering grace and understanding while they figure out healthier responses.

More help for Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma in this free guide!

Protecting Your Marriage

Hopefully, long after you finish raising these kids, you and your partner will be left to navigate life after child-rearing. Maintaining your marriage now and implementing this practical advice from the late Dr. Purvis are protective buffers to help ensure that you can go on to enjoy life’s “second chapter” happily together.

Image Credits: Pavel Danilyuk; Andrea Piacquadio; Dziana Hasanbekava

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