Studies have shown that one of the best ways to reduce trauma for children in foster care is to co-parent with the biological family. For many of us, this is easier said than done.
Co-parenting can be one of the hardest parts of a foster parent’s job—especially if the child has been abused or severely neglected. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would hurt a child in this way, and even harder to imagine forming a partnership with this person!
It helps to remember that the vast majority of children are in foster care due to neglect. Neglecting a child can come from many causes: ignorance, immaturity, and/or addiction. It can also come from a lack of self-worth that leads to poor choices in boyfriends and friends. Understanding these dynamics does not mean you excuse the birth parents for what they did, but it does help to strengthen your compassion, which in turn will help you form a healthy co-parenting partnership.
What is Co-Parenting in Foster Care
Co-parenting is when foster parents share the nurturing of a foster child with the birth parents and the child’s caseworker. Co-parenting can be done in many different ways and it can result in the child returning home sooner and reduce the likelihood that the child will reenter foster care in the future.

Co-parenting is best for kids in foster care because they see the adults in their life working as a team and they feel less divided loyalty. It is also best for kids because, if done well, the foster parents can become a role model for the biological parents on what healthy parenting looks like.
Awkward Beginnings
It’s hard to imagine a relationship with a more awkward beginning. Someone has taken a person’s child, asked you to take care of the child, and then asks you to become their partner in parenting. Say what???
No matter the reason the child was removed, almost every birth parent feels some mixture of fear, defensiveness, confusion, surprise, embarrassment, and anger! Not a promising beginning for a healthy relationship. Given the emotional upheaval the birth parents are going through, it is up to the foster parent to set the stage for a healthy functional co-parenting relationship.
Start with Compassion
When working with your foster child’s birth parents begin with compassion. You are seeing them at the very worst moment of their lives.
Yes, this person made a mistake. Yes, their child has suffered. But they are humans and humans make mistakes.
Start with the knowledge that chances are good the birth parents have had a lot of tough breaks in their lives. It is true that plenty of people have overcome bigger problems than these people face without harming their kids, but these birth parents aren’t those people. Accept that.
I’ll grant you that in many cases of abuse, compassion towards the abuser is not called for, but in most cases, the foster parent will not be asked to co-parent with the abusing birth parent.
Put Yourself in Their Shoes
When they realize that their child has been taken into foster care, the parents’ initial reaction is usually a mixture of disbelief, terror, confusion, and anger. They often believe that the authorities have overreacted and don’t understand what happened. They may not yet (or ever) accept their role in these events.

As the reality sets in, they often feel deep shame, regret, grief, and not a small amount of anger.
When you begin your co-parenting relationship, it helps to put yourself in their shoes and understand that they are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions and the gravity of what has happened.
Don’t Take Things Personally
Given the toxic brew of emotions your foster child’s birth parents are likely feeling, it is up to you to be the bigger, more emotionally stable, person. Don’t take their anger personally. Treat them with the dignity and respect that you would want to be shown to you when you have made the biggest mistake of your life. You don’t need to correct them or tell them that you don’t believe them. Focus on your shared interest in doing what is best for this child.
Communicate
The court or caseworker will likely dictate the visitation schedule, but when possible offer to go the extra mile to make the visits easier and less awkward for the biological parents. Try to visit with them at the beginning or end of their visit with their child. Assure them that you are taking good care of their child and not trying to replace their role in their child’s life. Share cute stories. Bring the birth parent a piece of artwork or craft that the child has made. Make sure the child makes cards for them on important occasions, such as birthdays or Mother’s Day.

Along with the child’s caseworker, set up a plan for communication outside of visits that works for the realities of the birth parent’s life. Can you text pictures to them? If the birth parents don’t have a phone, can you send pictures to the birth grandparents who can share them with the birth parent? If there are privacy concerns, can you set up a private email where you can send pictures or send them through the caseworker? The caseworker will need to approve of whatever method you choose, so ask her for suggestions. The more communication, the better the co-parenting relationship.
Maintain Boundaries
Good relationships have good boundaries. While you want to communicate and work with your foster child’s birth parents as much as possible, you do not need to be available to them all the time. You have your own life and your own family to attend.
It is not your role to talk about their case or about how they are meeting or not meeting the parenting plan laid out by the caseworker. It is best to refer all discussions on these topics to the caseworker.
Sometimes it is simply not possible to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship with the birth parents. Ultimately, you have to maintain boundaries that are in the best interest of the child and your family.
How have you been able to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship with your foster child’s birth parents?
Other Creating a Family Resources You Will Enjoy
- Becoming a Foster Parent: What You Really Need to Know
- The Single Biggest Obstacle to Co-Parenting in Foster Care
- Dr. Purvis’s Tips-Staying Happily Married When Adopting/Fostering
I’m in Jacksonville FL. My kids were removed from me and my wife’s home for me yelling profanities at the investigator when she came to my inlaws home for a safety plan. The investigator called relatives out of Jacksonville FL. to see if they could get children. We knew nothing about this. We have family in Jacksonville FL. but no one was called. Now my children are in a non-related foster carers home. It’s been 11 months and I’ve had my deal of problems naturally. I haven’t met my case manager but 1 time. Haven’t talked to my kids on any holidays,bdays,bays,. I see my kids 1 time a week for 2 hours and the two foster carers that have my kids don’t interact with me or my wife at all. Is there anything that I can do?
Hello Bryan,
Thanks for reading and reaching out. We are so sorry for the struggle and frustration you are facing. We are not legal experts, nor do we know the specifics of your case. However, generally speaking, you can start with your caseworker and move up the chain until you get answers. We usually recommend reaching out by email to establish documentation of your efforts — this resource might help: Tips for Getting a Foster Care Caseworker’s Attention. It’s written to help foster parents, but the process of gaining attention would be much the same for birth families. Additionally, can you consider asking to speak privately to the caseworkers that show up for these visits? Ask for names or contact information for your next steps?
Again, we are sorry for the battle you are facing. Best of luck to you.
I have kids taken away from m foster home for working with the parents and sticking up for them. can someone help us. It is Northampton county pa, I feel like we are drowning in lies and total disregard for the children. we are fighting this, but who suffers, the kids (of course parents too, in this case foster and bio parents, it is sick)
Thanks for reaching out, Linda.
I’m sorry this is happening — we cannot give you specific legal advice but we can advise that you put your concerns in writing and send them to your caseworker, with a timeline attached for a response that can work toward a solution. If/when that timeline passes, escalate the email up to that caseworker’s supervisor with a request for a response in timely manner. Some of the questions you could ask would include what the child’s team pictures for a working relationship with bio parents, what the desired outcome should be, and how can we as a team get there.
This resource might also be of help: Tips for Getting a Foster Care Caseworker’s Attention
Best of luck!
I’m reaching out to try to determine the best way to go about this. My other half, the biological mother had went through some times years ago, got clean, became stable in her job (moving up through management levels), income, housing, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, etc. A complete 180. Her son and daughter was put into foster care years ago, and she hasn’t been allowed to see him since. As I’ve been with her, she’s been focused more and more on family and building one (part of which has been trying to make contact with her kids. Now with her daughter, there have been amazing leaps and strides, and have been able to spend a significant amount of time around her. Her son though, shes terrified of her case worker for him and the foster parent. She doesn’t know what to do. The case worker has repeatedly ignored her and any requests to try to reconnect. She’s scared to reach out to the foster parent to try to establish some healthy relationship because she doesn’t want the foster parent to block her on the only avenues she’s got available to making contact (and then disappearing). Now after the time of trying to go through the case worker and getting ignored, the foster parent has started the adoption process on her son. I’m 100% for trying to re-establish a healthy relationship with her kids now that she’s had her life in order for several years, and it hurts me to watch her hurt over the problem. What can I do to help the situation or try to at least get the right path started?
Congratulations to your partner on getting clean and re-building her life. That is no small feat and she should be very proud of herself.
This resource might be a great starting point for your partner: https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/tips-foster-care-caseworkers-attention/
Of course, if parental rights have been terminated, there will be other factors to consider and at that point, it might be time to start reaching up to the next level above the caseworker for attention to the matters at hand.
Best wishes and good luck!
Am I required to text pictures to the birth parents or communicate with them? I have a high conflict and anytime I’m sharing with the birth parents they seem to insult me through text message and the conversation gets heated. I would like to cut ties personally to them through text/phone calls and just let communication go through the agency and the birth parents.
Relationships with birth parents can be hard. If you are co-parenting while the children are in foster care, you will have to seek the counsel of your caseworker for guidance on how to interact and what to send, etc. Remember, as a foster parent, the goal of caring for their children is to give them a chance to get back on their feet to reunify with their children. It’s complicated and might need some 3rd party mediation or support.
If you have finalized the adoption of these children, then there are other ways to go about keeping the kids connected with their birth parents. You can contact a caseworker or therapist for support in crafting a communication plan and working out the kind and degree of openness that is best for your kids. This is a good resource to learn more on how to get that conversation going: https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/open-adoption-handling-difficult-birth-parent-situations/
Good luck!
I’m having a problem with communication with the Foster mother and after reading some articles I’ve noticed between my caseworker in the foster parent having a lot of experience they are not opening the channels of communication there’s nothing court-ordered and I could use some help I was wondering if this group would have any resources such as numbers contact information that could help me.
Hi Stephany,
I’m so sorry that you are struggling with the lack of communication. It must feel very frustrating. This is a GREAT question for our online support group members to field – they represent a wide range of experiences and would be able to offer things that they tried to help you establish a relationship in which you are heard and in which you all feel as if you are working for the best interest of your child.
Find our group here and request to join: http://ow.ly/dzYV50yfuUN
Once you are there, if you prefer questions to be posted anonymously to protect privacy, we are always happy to do so. You can find who our admins are by looking up the Announcement posts.
In the meantime, have you tried an email that gives you a paper trail of documentated attempts to communicate? If you don’t get an answer to that, copy the next level of supervision up and send it again.
Again, I’m so sorry. It’s very frustrating to be out of the loop!