Personal devices and internet access are pervasive in today’s culture. While we can all acknowledge that the internet is a fantastic tool for research, entertainment, and connection, we also understand that it can be a double-edged sword for our kids. Maintaining vigilant supervision of our family’s online activity is critical to prevent harm to our kids’ hearts and minds. It’s almost a full-time job these days! None of us are prepared to let our children loose in the wild west of the internet, but how can we develop practical house rules that we can maintain and that our kids can follow?

Acknowledge and Commit to the Constant of Change

Whether it’s a laptop supplied by the schools, iPads for car trips, or cell phones for Christmas gifts, we all participate more heavily in the online culture around us. It may feel impossible to keep up with the fast pace of changing technology, and you might be tempted to throw in the towel. However, reframing the conversation from that sense of overwhelm can be more helpful. Instead, try to acknowledge that the most consistent thing about technology is that it’s constantly changing.

It’s also helpful to commit to continuing to learn to meet the challenges of protecting your family head-on. Finally, give yourself grace for the learning curve and the flood of information that comes at you whenever you try to understand rules to protect your family’s online activity.

Practical House Rules for Online Activity

1. Limit use of devices in private spaces.

Whether your child has a device supplied by the school or a family laptop for homework and online activity, it is still considered best practice for minors to use devices in the public spaces of your home as much as possible. They should dock their devices in a designated place in the house’s public spaces for charging overnight.

When your child needs quiet for homework or research, try to be flexible but with limits. For example, if your child needs time to practice new music for band class, allow the Chromebook in their room for the 30 minutes they practice but then ask that they do their homework in the living room after dinner.

The same rule should apply when your child uses their phone, tablet, or iPad to chill out or relax. Downtime is critical for our kids. Access to their devices helps them feel connected to their peers. However, they also need downtime without screens. Connecting in person is vital to their well-being.

It may seem old-school, but be very cautious about allowing your child or teen to keep their laptop, tablet, iPad, or other computers in their room. Kids impacted by trauma or prenatal substance exposure (to drugs and alcohol) often have delayed development of judgment and struggle with impulse control. Both skills are needed to make wise, safe decisions on the internet. Some families handle this by creating a tradition of purchasing a laptop when their child graduates from high school. Others allow computers or devices in a child’s room once they buy them. You and your partner must decide what suits your child.

Fair warning: your kids will tell you you are the “only parent” who still prohibits laptops, tablets, iPads, and phones from being used in the bedrooms. Once you have made the decision that fits your family’s needs, stand firm and rest assured that you are NOT the only parents who do this!

2. Allow for reasonable privacy.

When your family uses a designated computer (or laptop or iPad), be consistent in referring to it as the “family computer.” It’s reasonable that your tween or teen may want to be a password-protected user on those devices to keep nosy little siblings from changing the settings. However, they should be required to share the password with you. Try to log in to these devices a few times a week. Install upgrades. Be sure that spyware is still working and filters or monitors are not disabled. Check the search history, too. The goal is for your kids to know you are aware of their online activities.

Admittedly, privacy is trickier to navigate when your child has a cellphone. Depending on your child’s age and ability to handle the responsibility of a phone, you should have access to their password and check messages, texts, and photos occasionally. Doling out the privilege of privacy with a phone should be a slow drip, based on what you know about your child’s ability to handle themselves online.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

3. Set reasonable limits.

Time limits:

Set limits on how much time your child may use electronic devices per day. Many families generally limit ” screen time,” including any screen use (TV, computer, etc.). Others chunk the time limits according to the device and how the child uses it. Whatever approach you take, you’ll get better buy-in when you work the limits out as a family. Please talk with your kids about reasonable time limits and model the ability to be humble and collaborative by validating their thoughts and compromising.

Time of day limits:

Your kids’ school schedules may likely drive their preference for when they use their devices. Talk about it as a family and set reasonable limits for what time of day they can and cannot access devices.

Be aware that late nights spent on social media, texting, and browsing can significantly harm your tweens and teens. To increase protection for your family, take advantage of the monitors and parental controls available in your app store, including tools from your phone service carrier.

Social media limits:

Abide by the minimum age limits required by the social networks you’ve allowed your children to access. For example, Facebook and Snapchat abide by the minimum age of 13, as required by the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Rule (“COPPA”). TikTok’s user agreements stipulate that users under 18 must have parental consent.

(If you know of a child younger than 13 who has a social media account, you can report them anonymously and have the account shut down on most social media platforms.)

4. Educate yourself.

We get it. It’s almost a full-time job to keep up with the trends, apps, tech upgrades, and other online dangers for our kids. However, once your child has access to the internet, you can quickly lose control over what they see or do online. Maintaining a vigilant approach to understanding the risks and benefits of technology and electronics positions you to make informed choices rather than reacting and mitigating damage caused.

Here are a few resources we appreciate for helping families educate themselves, including how to develop a commonsense approach to internet activity and screen time.

  • ScreenSanity – You may remember this CreatingaFamily.org interview with Krista Boan, their co-founder.
  • Officer Gomez – This Facebook page raises awareness of current social media trends and dangers parents should know about. He also has an active YouTube channel.
  • Center for Parent and Teen Communication – This website helps parents understand tweens and teens’ mental and emotional health, including helping our kids make healthy decisions and critically analyze their habits.
  • Protect Young Eyes (https://protectyoungeyes.com/) – This organization is committed to increasing safety online for all children, including tracking current trends, preventing exploitation of minors, and pending legislation.
  • Kids & Screen Time – a resource by age and stage from HealthyChildren.org, by the American Academy of Pediatrics

5. Keep the Conversations Going.

Talking with your kids – at any age – about their online activity is not a once-and-done scenario. Talk and keep talking about internet safety, privacy, and online reputation. If your children are computer savvy and old enough to handle the responsibility, invite them to research suggested privacy settings for their age, common mistakes that reveal identifying information, etc. Ask them to share what they’ve learned and get them to teach you something new about protecting yourself online and ask him to teach you. Stress that he should not share passwords with anyone but you.

If your younger teen joins social media, have them friend (follow, etc.) you. Be sure to follow them back. It will help tremendously to approach this request matter-of-factly:

“This is how we are going to handle social media in our family.”

Stress that you won’t interact with them unless they want you to. Tell them this is a safety step to allow you to help them learn to protect themselves. Don’t hover and try to be unobtrusive. Periodically check their wall or their posts, but don’t make comments. Keep an eye out for signs of dummy accounts and other workarounds they might open to avoid your supervision.

Keep in mind that oversharing goes both ways. Once your child is on social media, they will most likely see any posts you or your friends make on your accounts as well. Keep each other honest by occasionally talking about things you read or pictures you see. Your humility and accountability can be a trust-builder for your relationship.

6. Consider a Family Media Plan.

Several templates for developing an online safety plan are available at the previously mentioned sites. ConnectSafely also has several templates by age and other tools for families to enhance their safety practices. Decide together as a family what your priorities are (avoiding pornography, protecting privacy, navigating social media, limiting screen time, etc.). Then use the tools available to help you craft the plan that fits your family’s ages, abilities, and needs.

7. Stress the Permanence of the Internet.

Young children have limited ability to understand the vastness of the internet. Nor do they fully understand the concept of “the internet is forever.” However, explain to your kids that all information online can ultimately be seen by anyone – including teachers and parents. And that it never goes away, even if they delete it. To make it more concrete, explain that if they don’t want a Sunday school teacher, volleyball coach, or future college admissions office to see it, then they shouldn’t post it. Keep repeating this message in various ways throughout their childhood to help it stick.

8. Invest in robust parental control tools.

As diligent as you wish to be about your family’s online activities, keeping up with it all is impossible. While it is crucial to give yourself grace for the learning curve and missteps you make when figuring out how to protect your family, you should also research tools to support your mission.

Install some parental control software on the home devices and mobile ones. The sites listed above offer “best of” lists of tools available in the app stores. Look for something that suits your budget, your family’s needs, and your child’s tech abilities. Be aware that these software tools will often be worthless with older teens who have figured out workarounds. At that age, it’s better to maintain open communication about why you prefer them to avoid specific sites or activities. Trying to prevent them from doing so may inadvertently encourage them to “go underground” with it.

There’s No Easy Button for Protecting Your Kids Online

Unfortunately, as quickly as you think you are moving to protect your kids online, the bad actors who intend harm are acting more quickly. Protecting your kids from exploitation, inappropriate content, and privacy gaffes comes down to a healthy balance of limits, robust tools, diligence, and ongoing communication between you. While that is certainly not the easy button you might prefer, the long game of it can lead to increased trust and openness between you. When they trust you, you can guide them toward the skills they need to navigate healthy choices – on the internet and elsewhere.

Image Credits: Tima Miroshnichenko; Jessica Lewis 🦋 thepaintedsquare; cottonbro studio