Your long wait has come to an end. Your child is home, and you are ready for this new chapter to begin! Adoption was a long, challenging journey, but your visions of snuggle sessions, messy highchairs, fingerpaint art on the fridge, and family movie nights kept you going. After everything you experienced to get to this child, you expect rainbows! sunshine! and general bliss. Instead, you feel exhausted, let down, unprepared, and sad. You never expected to struggle through post-adoption depression, yet here you are. And it stinks.

Understanding Post-Adoption Depression

It’s common for any new parent to struggle with exhaustion, disappointment, and dashed expectations. Regardless of how a child joins their family, the changes are significant, and reality often doesn’t match the dreams you fostered while waiting.

Thankfully, postpartum depression is discussed far more openly in today’s culture, thanks to excellent research, advocacy to drop the stigmas, and increased understanding of the intersections of mental health and parenting. New mothers (and fathers) are met with compassion, support, and acceptance far more frequently today than ever.

Post-adoption depression is confusing.

We still have a way to go to raise awareness of post-adoption depression and how the stressors of adoption can set the stage for adoptive parents to struggle. To be clear, we know that adoptive mothers and fathers can both face these challenges. Stigmas around infertility and adoption and shame too often get in the way of support and acceptance. Additionally, adoption is still not widely understood by the public. Thus, many of the mental and emotional health issues that adoptive parents face are not understood.

Many adoptive parents feel confused and guilty that they are not happy! and blissful! after this long-awaited child arrives. Therein lies the key: this child was long-awaited. Usually, these parents have waited and worked for years to finally bring their child home. They’ve spent significant money to afford the adoption and hours educating themselves about the journey they have chosen to create their family. They’ve subjected themselves to interviews, clearances, and stacks of paperwork, sharing details of their previously private lives.

Yes, you may have chosen this path, but it still significantly affects your heart, mind, and body.

What are the common symptoms of post-adoption depression?

The symptoms of Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS) are pretty much like postpartum depression. Here are a few of the most common symptoms to help you understand.

  • Feeling low, sad, anxious, or depressed
  • Loss of interest in daily life, socializing, etc.
  • Difficulty finding pleasure in things that generally bring joy
  • Increased or decreased appetite
  • Increased sleepiness or pervasive exhaustion
  • Sleep challenges (difficulty falling or staying asleep, changes in sleep habits)
  • Feeling fidgety, restless, or unable to calm oneself
  • Feelings of worthlessness and depleted self-esteem
  • Changes in ability to concentrate – increased distraction or excessive hyperfocus
  • Thoughts of self-harm or death
  • Panic that adoption is ruining your life/family/child’s life etc.

In addition, many who struggle with post-adoption depression feel guilty or ashamed of their struggle. This sense of shame can make it hard to reach out for help and support. You may think, “Who can I trust with this scary, shameful secret?” You might be afraid to share the struggle because you asked for this, right? “If I complain about being so sad and exhausted, I’m going to sound ungrateful for this child.” Our culture still has significant stigmas around mental health issues like depression, and reaching out to your adoption social worker feels risky. What if they take your baby or child away because you confide that you feel scared of hurting yourself?

These questions (and potentially scary answers) drive many adoptive parents deeper into isolation, and depression worsens. You need – and deserve – the help that is available for post-adoption depression.

**If you are having thoughts of self-harm, suicidal ideations, or concern about hurting your child, please seek help immediately. If you cannot reach your medical or mental health providers, please call 988 and get the support you need to heal.

You are not alone.

It might help you to know that post-adoption depression is common in all types of adoption. Research shows that 10-30% of adoptive parents struggle, and it’s likely that these numbers are low because so many folks don’t reach out for help. Dr. Jane Aronson, an adoption medicine specialist and founder of the Worldwide Orphans (now called Rise Alliance for Children), once shared that almost all her patients felt conflicted emotions in the first months after adoption. Further, about 75-85% reported feeling sad or depressed.

When the excitement of this new dynamic settles in, and the extra help you had lined up ends, it’s typical to feel a dip in your emotions. The changes you and your family are experiencing are enormous and impactful. Sometimes, your brain and body need time to catch up with reality. Consider how to keep some of that connection and support from others going so you don’t pull into yourself and isolate. Again, isolation is a significant risk factor for PADS.

Who is at risk of post-adoption depression?

While it’s not easy to identify one or two risk factors that definitively make one more or less likely to struggle with PADS, it’s common to struggle when you have a mismatch of expectations with reality. And let’s face it, you likely had many years of working toward this adoption to build up unrealistic expectations.

Consider these other risk factors in your or your partner’s adjustment to your new family dynamics.

  • Adopting an older child
  • Adopting as an older parent
  • Adopting as a single parent
  • Stressors (financial, family dynamics, work/life balance)
  • Unresolved grief about infertility

Most of the time, the challenges around these factors resolve within about six months, when life begins to settle in and new family rhythms develop. As you and your new child learn to know each other and form a trusting, safe bond, you may find your depression lifts.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

How to Manage Post-Adoption Depression

If you find yourself struggling with any of the symptoms mentioned or are facing one or more of the risk factors above, you can plan today to start coping. Don’t try all these suggestions at once. You’ll only set yourself up for more unrealistic expectations and frustration. Instead, consider one or two that feel most implementable and do them consistently for 3-5 days. Then add another.

Take this process slowly and carefully – treat it as if you are recovering from a physical illness. After all, post-adoption depression can be as impactful on your physical health as it is on your mental and emotional well-being.

1. Self-care is vital.

What brings you joy? Schedule regular self-care in 15-minute increments if that’s all you can manage. Build the skill of prioritizing time to refuel with activities that refresh your whole person.

2. Be gentle with yourself.

You don’t need to be the perfect parent, partner, and employee right now (or ever!). Give yourself time and grace to learn. Remember that this is a life-long journey; you have time to work it out.

Transitioning Home with Your Newly Adopted Baby

3. Set realistic expectations.

Your family has undergone a massive change. Your ability to meet obligations and demands is different now. Consider what you can let go of for now. Permit yourself to live with lower, more reachable expectations.

4. Reach out for help.

Schedule support like you do your doctor appointments – and stick to it! Outsource what you can and where you can, like laundry or grocery deliveries. Find the right services for your family’s needs, and don’t leave yourself out of the support you put in place. Build a support network that meets various needs – you have friends and family with skills, availability, and likely the desire to help. Lean into that while you are recovering.

5. It’s OK not to be OK!

You seek progress here, not perfection! Bonding, building healthy life habits, and attending to mental and emotional well-being is a process – and not even a straightforward one. It’s alright if you only see gains in one area at a time or if there are only minuscule victories for a few days. Again, this is a long game.

However, if your feelings of depression, self-harm, or pain intensify or persist, please seek help from mental health professionals immediately!

6. Talk to the professionals.

Whether you meet with your adoption caseworker, a therapist, a counselor, or a faith leader, find a trusted professional who will listen without judgment. Ask for practical tools to plan for recovery and the accountability to stick to it.

If your child’s pediatrician or your primary care physician has experience with depression or the stressors of adoption, they might also be a good resource. If you’ve struggled with infertility, try to find a therapist who understands the losses associated with infertility.

7. Be a joiner.

It’s crucial to find an adoption support group. We cannot stress enough how soothing and affirming it is to be surrounded by people who understand what you are living. Knowing you aren’t alone in this struggle can relieve the pressure and discomfort enough to allow you to rest and heal.

Ask your adoption agency if there are any reputable in-person groups near you. If you cannot find one, join our online community. Many of our members have been where you are, and they report that the 24/7 access and availability to talk with others who get it is priceless. Believe it or not, sometimes it’s easier to open up to someone you don’t know in “real life.”

Take Good Care of Yourself

We say it a lot here because we are passionate about parents and caregivers raising kids from a position of strength and wholeness. You must take care of yourself in the early months at home. Prioritize healthy eating, sleeping, and physical activity. However, it’s equally important to carve out time for yourself. Try to have one deliciously pleasant daily activity that you can look forward to – it boosts your mood and energy levels. And you need it to support the children you are raising.

Image Credits: Keenan Constance; Andrea Piacquadio; Yan Krukau