Prioritizing Your Marriage In Adoption, Foster Care, or Kinship Care

When you’re parenting through adoption, foster care, or kinship care, it can feel like all your time and energy go to meeting your child’s needs — especially when trauma, big behaviors, or complex family dynamics are part of the picture. In the middle of that, your marriage* can quietly slip to the bottom of the list. You’re not alone in that. But staying connected with your partner or spouse isn’t extra. It’s one of the most important ways you create stability, safety, and long-term strength for your whole family. In this article, we’ll walk through practical, realistic ways to prioritize your marriage or partnership, even in the middle of a very busy day.

*A note on language: When we use the term “marriage” in this context, please understand that we include your long-term, committed partnerships and significant adult relationships.

Your Relationship Matters, Now More Than Ever

Parenting in adoption, foster care, or kinship care often brings added layers of stress: appointments, financial changes, school advocacy, challenging behaviors, visits with birth family, and all the things that go with raising a child impacted by trauma. You may feel like your time, energy, and even your identity are consumed by parenting.

Many couples fall into a pattern in which one partner carries more of the “mental load,” while the other tries to support but may feel less equipped to do so. This imbalance is common. It’s also something that can quietly erode the connection if left unaddressed.

At the same time, parenting kids with trauma histories can introduce unique stressors:

• Disagreements about how to respond to behaviors
• Feeling isolated or misunderstood
• Grief that parenting feels harder than expected
• Kids who unintentionally create division through triangulation

These pressures are real—and they require intentional care for your relationship, not less of it.

Think Long-Term: You’re Building Your Future

Yes, this parenting season is intense. But it’s not forever.

Your goal isn’t just to raise children. It’s to build a relationship with your partner or spouse that lasts long after your kids leave home. Building your future together doesn’t happen by accident. It requires being proactive, especially when parenting feels all-consuming.

When your relationship becomes only about logistics (who’s driving, who’s managing behaviors, who’s handling school communication, etc.), you can slowly lose sight of each other as partners. Staying connected isn’t selfish. It’s essential.

1. A strong marriage creates security for your child.

Children feel safer when the adults caring for them are connected, regulated, and working as a team. Investing in your relationship is not taking away from your child. It’s strengthening the environment they depend on.

When your relationship is steady:

• Your child experiences more predictability
• You model healthy adult relationships
• You respond to challenges with more consistency
• Your home feels calmer, even when things are hard

Building a strong home gives all of you a safe place to land, not just today but for years to come.

2. Understanding what gets in the way helps you put things in the proper place.

If prioritizing your partnership feels hard, you may see yourselves in one of these struggles:

• Exhausted at the end of the day
• Managing constant needs and crises
• Struggling to find childcare or time alone
• Feeling guilty for taking time away from your child
• Operating in survival mode

Many caregivers describe giving their partner “the leftovers.” And we understand that. Sometimes there’s not much left to give. That doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t important. It means you need realistic, doable ways to reconnect and fortify what you are building.

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Practical Ways to Stay Connected

Please don’t succumb to the pressure to make grand gestures to realign and prioritize your marriage. Those may feel great in the moment, and they certainly have their place in building this relationship. However, what matters most is consistency, commitment, and intention.

1. Make time for each other, even if that looks different for now.

Your goal in making time for togetherness isn’t about perfection. It’s prioritized, protected time. Your date nights don’t have to mean going out. They might look like:

• Sitting together after the kids go to bed
• Sharing coffee before the house wakes up
• Carving out time for a walk after dinner
• Watching a show together without multitasking

2. Stay on the same page (or work toward it).

Disagreements about parenting are common, especially when you factor in your family of origin, your partner’s origin story, and your child’s history of trauma. And these all converge in one space – your family.

But it’s crucial to remember that being aligned doesn’t mean always agreeing. It means working as a team. When you don’t agree on a parenting issue, it’s okay (and even recommended!) to pause and make time to talk before your next actions:

• What do we think is driving this behavior?
• What approach do we want to try together?
• When will we check back in and adjust?

3. Watch for triangulation.

Children who have experienced trauma may (often unintentionally) pull their caregivers into opposing roles. Triangulation often occurs when one parent becomes the “safe” one or the one they know they can soften up. The other parent becomes the “disciplinarian” or the outsider to the dynamic between the first parent and the child. The result is increased tension between the parents.

When you can identify this pattern happening, pause. Try stepping back to reconnect with each other first. Then respond to your child from a united place.

4. Give each other grace.

This work is hard. You will both make mistakes. When you are in the thick of it, try to offer:

• The benefit of the doubt
• Room to try again
• Compassion instead of criticism

Your partner is the only other person who truly understands what this parenting journey feels like day to day.

5. Protect your identity as a couple.

Before you were caregivers together, you were partners. Find ways to remember and reconnect with what brought you together. These connection points can help you remember, “We’re still us:”

• Shared humor and inside jokes
• Common interests or hobbies
• Physical affection
• Meaningful conversation

6. Support each other’s capacity.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is help your partner recharge. Try sending them out with friends or to a class for the hobby they love. You might offer to take over the nighttime routine while they take a walk around the block. Looking for their signs of overwhelm and caring for their whole person will strengthen the bond between you.

If this idea is new to you, consider setting designated times to check in with each other for a quick assessment. Be clear with what you need in the moment of low capacity so that they understand and ask clarifying questions to help you understand their capacity.

7. Get support when you need it.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. You can intentionally strengthen your marriage and parenting by supporting yourselves, including some combination of these ideas:

• Listening to podcasts or training together
• Joining a support group
• Seeking counseling with someone who understands adoption, foster care, or kinship dynamics

8. Start small, and start together.

We get it – this list of practical tips may feel like more to do on your already full plate. Don’t try to do all of these suggestions at once – instead, start with just one step. Your small, but consistent efforts will re-prioritize your connection now and over the long haul.

Ask each other:

• “What’s one small way we can reconnect this week?”
• “What would help you feel more supported right now?”

The Seasons Change. Your Relationship Remains.

There will be seasons when parenting takes more from you than you thought possible. That doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It means you’re in a hard season.

Keep coming back to each other. Because long after the hard seasons are over and the kids have launched, your relationship should be what remains. And that’s worth protecting.

Image Credits: Alina Kurson - https://www.pexels.com/photo/grayscale-photo-of-two-people-holding-hands-8819290/; Gustavo Fring - https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-man-hugging-a-woman-in-floral-print-long-sleeves-6699433/ and https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-man-and-woman-about-to-kiss-each-other-4148978/