Does your child or young adult go off the rails with tantrums, disruptive behaviors, or dramatic emotional meltdowns? When those challenging behaviors crop up, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and feel out of control. You might be at your wit’s end with these behaviors. You might even shut down and distance yourself, physically or emotionally, from your child. Empathy is the last thing on your mind. We get it – these outbursts are hard to handle and can be triggering. However, your child needs your empathy in these challenging moments. Offering empathy to them can help you shift your mindset, help them change their behavior, and teach them this valuable character trait in the process.

Remember that Behavior is the Expression of a Need.

Your child came to your home with a history of traumatic experiences already behind them. Whether it’s because of abuse, neglect, or other painful circumstances, they are carrying a lot of loss and chaos in their hearts and bodies. No matter how old your child is, they are likely ill-equipped to cope with the impacts of their experiences in safe or healthy ways.

Instead, they behave in ways that get them the attention they need — even if it’s negative attention. It’s easy to get caught in a negative cycle with them when the challenging behaviors consistently impact your household. However, it’s crucial to remember that your child feels out of control, overwhelmed, and triggered, too. Your child is hurting, and they need your guidance out of the pain.

You can give your child the tools to learn healthier life skills by coming alongside them and being their safe space. Unconditional care and nurturing can lead to healthier coping skills. When they can experience even the tiniest bit of healing from earlier trauma, their behaviors begin to change. This healing process starts with offering them your empathy.

5 Practical Ways to Offer Empathy to a Hurting Child

The dictionary defines empathy as the actions of understanding, being sensitive to, and even feeling another person’s thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to share the exact experiences your child endured to be able to sit with them in the feelings that the trauma or loss created in them.

These tips can help you show empathy to your child. When you empathize with your child, you also model healthy coping skills to support them for a lifetime. It will help you to remember that these suggestions are not sequential steps in a process. Instead, they are tools that you can weave throughout your interactions as you and your child problem-solve and learn how to cope with their big emotions and internal chaos. Each tip is a tangible form of empathy that will build connections and teach healthier coping skills.

1. Step into their feelings.

When your child is having a tantrum in the kitchen, or when you get a report that they acted out in school, try to step into that moment with the child. We don’t mean for you to accept their behavior. Instead, try to communicate acceptance of their complex emotions. Acknowledge that you struggle with the same emotions in similar circumstances. Helping your child name their feelings is also an invaluable life skill that will serve them well beyond this challenging moment.

A practical example:

“Johnny, it looks as if you are having a really hard time losing that game with your brother. Losing really stinks. I always feel (angry, disappointed, upset) when I lose something important to me, too. Are you feeling (angry, disappointed, upset) too?”

2. Practice the art of the pause.

When feelings are running high and the moment feels chaotic or triggering, try to pause the action. Your child will benefit from the break if they feel safe admitting that things are out of control and that you are there to help them pause the chaos. Be gentle and calm and narrate the reason and hopeful outcome of pausing momentarily. Taking time from the situation’s intensity is a valuable coping tool for many kids who need help re-regulating.

Taking a pause doesn’t erase the events that led to the outbursts. Instead, it acknowledges that big feelings are too hard to handle in the heat of the moment. It gives time and space for the fact that they feel out of control. You are telling them it is okay to put all these emotions on hold to calm yourselves down. Returning to the situation once calm gives you a clear head to handle the issues safely and healthily. Giving choices and a voice in this process helps your child regain control and models healthy communication even during significant tension or stress.

A practical example:

“Jane, I feel like I cannot get a handle on my thoughts right now. Can we take a pause so we can both calm down? We can come back to the table and talk about in 15 minutes. I’m going to take my pause here on the couch. Would you like to join me or sit alone in the other room for 15 minutes?”

3. Co-regulate with your child.

As you narrate your child’s challenging behavior, focus on slowing your breathing and talking in calm, measured tones. Even if you must first take a deep breath and count to ten to calm yourself, do it so the child can see you practicing regulation. Then invite them to do the same with you.

Your child might be too far into their rage to join you – especially if practicing co-regulation is new to your home. However, offer it anyway. Continue to calm your emotions and reactions and offer your regulation to your child. This is called co-regulation. Our kids learn self-regulation best when we share our regulation with them. It might be slow to catch on but consistently show them these new tools for calming down. They will get it!

A practical example:

“Ryder, I feel stressed when you rage and tantrum like this. I’m going to count to ten and practice some slow, deep breaths to calm myself down so I can help you. Would you like to try some deep breathing, too?”

4. Brainstorm solutions together.

Depending on your child’s age and communication skills, ask them to tell you in their own words about what happened and how they felt. They may need open-ended questions from you to get the ball rolling, like, “What happened inside your body when you lost the game?” Or “Can you tell me what felt hard about losing that game?” Please encourage them to name the feelings or sensations in their body.

Now begin to brainstorm with them – again, in age- and skill-appropriate ways. Start listing ideas for how they can handle this situation next time. Depending on your child’s ability to express themselves, you could also role-play the ideas for safer, healthy coping skills. If you are raising older kids, tweens, or teens, you will need a lighter touch – and fewer words! — to this conversation. However, no matter the child’s age, you can still have a collaborative discussion that offers plenty of alternatives and healthy choices. What matters the most is your comforting, understanding presence through this process, regardless of their age or verbal skills.

Get a free guide to Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

An essential part of brainstorming is letting all the ideas have a place. Try to make this a fun, creative part of learning together. You can even help lighten the mood by throwing in a few ridiculous ideas. Get your child “all in” to learn new responses by trying out a few of their ideas in your role-playing.

A practical example:

“Zoe, I want you and your brother to be able to play games together. They can be so much fun and make great memories for you. I am positive we can come up with some better ways to handle your (anger, sadness, disappointment) over losing today. What ideas can we write down to help you the next time you two play Sorry? Can we act one of them out together now?”

5. Communicate this child’s inherent value.

No matter the outcome of these interventions, consistently communicate your child’s preciousness whenever you try to cope with their challenging behaviors. Kids impacted by trauma often carry a sense of shame or blame for their earlier experiences. While we know that grown-up problems are never a child’s fault, your child’s brain might not realize it. When they struggle with out-of-control behavior, they might feel shame rising again, coloring how they see themselves. They often feel like they are bad kids or that “everything bad is their fault.” By reassuring them of their deep value to you and your family, the empathy you offer can help lessen the shame and guilt that arise when they’ve lost control or misbehaved.

Talk it through with them when they have outbursts or have been difficult in the classroom. But always include affirming words about who they are in these conversations. Give them specific language about the great character traits you see or their progress in this area. Ensure they know they are precious, cherished, and full of greatness.

A practical example:

“Autumn, you did a great job talking about hard feelings today after you lost the soccer game. I’m so proud of how hard you worked to calm down and come up with skills you can work on for next time. You are an excellent teammate and I’m glad I get to watch you play and grow with your team. We will stick together and figure out how to keep handling these hard feelings together.”

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Your Empathetic Presence Opens Opportunities

Your child may have come to your home with some painful experiences and unhealthy responses as their norm. You might have handled their challenging behaviors in unsupportive ways in the past. The good news is that you both can learn new skills to cope with their big emotions and chaotic responses. When you gently and lovingly offer your empathy and emotional safety, you build trust between you. Your empathy opens their hearts to the opportunities of learning new coping skills that sustain them for life.

Image Credits: Ketut Subiyanto; Keira Burton; Laura Rincón