Every year, our online community shares some new version of anxiety and angst around the infamous family tree assignments. Indeed, these projects can be triggering for our adopted, foster, or kinship/relative children. As parents and caregivers, we worry that our kids will be overwhelmed by the pressure of not knowing enough information to complete their projects as assigned. We also fear how our kids will handle the perceived pressure to share more than they are comfortable sharing. Many of us in adoption, foster, or kinship circles wonder what value these projects serve and why there are rarely alternatives offered. After all, it’s not just adopted, foster, and kinship kids who have challenging stories that should not be public consumption to a room full of our students’ peers!

The Trend is Changing Slowly

Granted, many schools are catching on to the perils of assigning a project that narrowly defines “family” or digs into a child’s history. However, too many families still face the stress of a child asking for baby pictures for the yearbook or family names and roles or relationships on a hand-drawn chart or tree. Any non-traditional family is subject to these triggers. Our kids who have come to us through adoption or foster care can struggle with these assignments and their many versions.

Variations of The Family Tree Assignment.

You’ve undoubtedly seen some variation of these assignments that focus on how your child defines their family. As a mom with kids in public schools continuously since 1999, I have seen my share! Most started out quite child-focused and sweet, like an “All About Me” poster or “Me in a Bag,” in which kids put five things in a bag to spur conversation for class introductions.

However, as students progress up the grade-level ladder, many families find challenges in the more intensely personal variations, like “My Ten Point Timeline” or “Past Me, Present Me, Future Me.” These assignments intend to teach things like time, verb tenses, and so on. Some schools also use these projects to practice public speaking skills by adding an element of presentation to the class.

A child’s triggers to these more intrusive versions of the family tree assignment can be magnified tenfold when they dislike being in the spotlight or feel unready to share their stories. These triggers are complex for our kids to cope with, so the experience is also challenging for parents and caregivers! Grief and loss are complicated topics for anyone. To think about our child addressing those feelings in front of a whole classroom of peers is untenable for many of us.

The Assignments Don’t Stay “Easy” for Long.

Indeed, Mom and Dad can help manage the early elementary versions of most family tree projects to maintain the neutral sharing of private information. At these younger ages, we are generally very attuned to our children’s developing understanding of their stories. We can significantly influence our kids to guard the level of privacy we are most comfortable with.

We all know these assignments will take increasing attention and effort to guard that privacy as our kids grow. The dread over this project and its many variations across our children’s school experience is understandable and warranted.

Too Much or Too Little? What to Share at School

The Influence of Social Media Is Helping!

You certainly don’t have to scroll too long in any adoption, foster, or kinship care online circles before you find multiple posts exclaiming over the very fact that such projects still exist. Some devolve quickly into rants about the inflexibility or insensitivity of teachers who won’t modify an assignment when asked. Worse, we still can only too easily find posts from parents feeling broken-hearted and helpless over their child’s anguish over how to handle their project. Whether it’s anxiety about sharing in front of the classroom or the pain of challenging information – or no information at all – we struggle with what to do and how to support our kids.

In recent years, and thanks to social media’s influence, educators have been pushing to revise overly personal versions of family history-focused assignments. As more school districts embrace trauma-informed classroom practices, teachers are pre-emptively researching options that meet curriculum requirements while allowing for a more personalized approach to the project. We are grateful that many educators recognize that the definition of “family” is changing rapidly in our culture. We hear more frequently from our community that teachers recognize those students impacted by adoption, foster care, or relative caregiving benefit from choosing alternatives that still meet learning objectives.

Practical Tips to Handle Family Tree Assignments

Whether you are part of a school already offering flexibility in family tree assignments or pioneering with advocacy for your kid to change the face of these projects, we want you to know that you are not alone! The following suggestions come from experienced parents in our online community. They can help you consider creatively modifying assignments, talk with your kids to help them feel most supported, and even access resources to help you educate the educators.

1. Act Proactively.

Many adoptive and resource parents and kinship or relative caregivers send a letter to the teacher at the beginning of each school year. They include a brief social history of their child’s strengths and struggles. Consider offering a pre-emptive comment about how triggering these types of projects can be. Ask for a note or email before the projects are assigned to your student.

2. Find Creative Modifications to Family Tree Projects.

We did a bit of digging and found this website with templates for “non-traditional families.” They also include many step-family dynamics, adoptive family trees, and trees for families with two mommies or two daddies. There are even templates for families built by egg donors and surrogacy. Given the many different shapes families can take, you are sure to find something you and your child can work with and that a teacher can agree upon.

Another modification parents and caregivers can consider is how to get to the root of the issue as it impacts all students. Some members recommended communicating to the teacher (and administration who chooses curriculum) that individual modifications still result in othering for kids with challenging stories or “non-traditional families.”* As one member said about approaching her son’s middle school teacher,

The answer is to design assignments like this in flexible ways FROM THE BEGINNING, so every child feels included and capable of completing the work without feeling embarrassed or afraid of being different.

*A note on the language: We acknowledge that using language like “non-traditional” can be problematic, and that’s a conversation worth having. Far more families today fall outside the parameters of this narrow descriptor, and thankfully, many educators are paying attention to that fact!

3. Empower Your Students by Letting Them Lead.

When any version of these assignments comes home, sit with your child and get a read on how they feel about it. Brainstorm a few solutions and let them take the lead in modifying (or not!) in ways that make them feel most confident. Work out a few modifications if that helps them visualize the finished product better.

You know your child best, and your observations through this process can inform you about how they are processing both the options and their story as it applies to the project. Supporting them in leading the project gives them confidence and a sense of ownership that will help them find the level of sharing right for them at this age and stage. You can build on this platform as they grow and face other assignments later in their school experience.

Here’s one mom’s approach.

I think the best thing to do is not make a big deal about it. I ask my son how he would like to modify the project (if needed) and I email the teacher and let him/her know. I have never had any issue. This approach seems to give my son more confidence that his unique background is something to celebrate and not dread these assignments but take them as an opportunity to be creative.

4. Look for the Life Lessons.

Another creative approach is to use these conversations to teach a more significant life lesson. You must know your child’s ability to generalize from this assignment to more abstract thoughts about approaching life’s challenges. But if you think your student is ready for this skill, you can decide together what the project must look like. Tell the teacher about your child’s intent and what you hope they learn from this assignment. Then, support them as they complete the assignment and use that time together to discuss what life lessons you can pull from the process.

By listening carefully to their ideas of what this assignment can become, you put your child in charge, as with the empowerment suggestion. When you also prioritize their control over their story and talk about how to do that, you might be surprised by the lessons they take from the project and your time together.

For example,

What my kids learned was that everybody has a story. My daughter says that’s the most important lesson I’ve taught her. They never need to feel ashamed of their story or compelled to share it. Because they’ve learned that everyone has a story, they are great compassionate listeners.

Strengthening & Supporting Your Transracial Adoptee

5. Don’t Ask Permission in Family Tree Assignments.

Some parents don’t contact the teacher for permission or even inform the teacher of changes the student makes. They focus on meeting the assignment’s parameters without drawing unwanted attention to the issues. Others find it appropriate to let the teacher know the modifications their student is considering and why. If that is your chosen path, feel free to state the intended plan rather than ask permission.

Other families choose not to participate in the project at all, because their family culture prioritizes the child’s right to privacy.

We don’t participate (it’s our daughter’s choice). This is her journey and story to share with who she feels comfortable. Adoptee voice is first for us – her voice says no, so I honor it.

Find Your Path, But Be Flexible

How we manage these assignments will undoubtedly change as our kids grow in their understanding of their stories. While they are developing their skills to manage this story and their identity develops, we must remain agile and responsive to if they want to share, how they want to share it, and with whom.

Every child is unique, and their temperament partially informs their self-understanding. Our extroverts may need to learn how to choose what to hold sacred and what to share judiciously. Introverts will face challenges around who is safe to let into their stories. Similarly, students who prize academic achievement may need support to treat the “rules” of the project as guidelines. They may also need permission to not chase a grade as the primary objective of this assignment.

Increasing Complexity Can Mean Increasing Triggers

Of course, as your student’s lesson objectives grow more complicated, so will the triggers. For example, biology classes that introduce the study of genetic traits, Punnett Squares, blood-typing, or hereditary diseases can be a source of anxiety for your child. You might even observe feelings of anger, sadness, or fear rising in your child.

At this level of education, it’s crucial to keep equipping your child to identify and process their emotions. If your students are receptive, you can coach them on talking with the teachers about their struggle with the assignments. One significant benefit of technology is that our kids can now have these conversations with teachers via email. They can arrange modifications privately to avoid the sense of othering. For example, one parent helped their student advocate for studying the genetic lineage of a person of the student’s choosing.

You Don’t Have to Dread the Family Tree Assignments

There are so many options for parents and students to manage the hard conversations around these family-history-focused assignments. With preventative action, preparation, and creative problem-solving skills, you can help your student child find their voice to tackle these projects comfortably.

Image Credits: RDNE Stock project; Andrea Piacquadio; Julia M Cameron; MART  PRODUCTION