Change is inevitable – our family moves, we get a new job, plans for vacation change, a relationship ends, or a pet dies. We all have a different view of navigating life’s changes, informed by our temperament, life experiences, learned skills, and other factors. However, many kids impacted by trauma, loss, prenatal substance exposure, or neurodiversity will struggle to navigate transitions, no matter how significant or “typical” that change may be. Helping our kids navigate change often requires that we intentionally build the skills needed to face life’s transitions.
Understanding How Change Impacts Kids
Children who have encountered loss, neglect, or other unpredictable and traumatic events may feel the weight of change differently or more intensely. A child with the impacts of prenatal substance exposure, ADHD, autism, or other neurodiversity may struggle to understand the connections leading up to, during, and following a change in their world.
When raising an adopted, foster, or relative child, we are encouraged to look at behaviors through the filter of the underlying reasons for their behaviors. This filter can also help us support them in navigating change. No matter how significant the changes are in our kids’ lives, this lens allows us to consider that their underlying needs are consistency, predictability, and security. They need to know that we are with them, we can handle anything this change brings our way, and they are safe to trust us to do that.
How Trauma Impacts a Child’s Development
Here are a few ways our kids show us that they are feeling some big things around the changes in their lives.
1. Increase in nervous or anxious or self-soothing habits.
These habits look different for each child, but when you observe your child, you can see what behaviors are rising. Examples include nervous tics, anxious questioning, biting fingernails, tapping, etc.
2. Changes in sleep patterns.
Whether it’s sleeping more or less than their everyday sleep routines, please pay attention to the changes and keep track of them to help you gain a fuller picture of the impacts your child is feeling. Also, look for changes in nighttime fears, the types of dreams they report, and willingness to go to bed.
3. Changes in eating habits.
Similarly, any changes in your child’s appetites (increased or decreased) or routines around food are reasons to focus on how they are doing.
4. Changes in mood levels.
While some of our kids may be “moody” at their baseline, it’s crucial to know your child’s norm and track changes to those levels. Increased sadness, anger, aggression, withdrawal, clinginess, fearfulness, etc. are all worth investigating.
These changes might also include complaints of physical symptoms (tummy aches, joint pain, headaches), especially when they are uncomfortable discussing emotions or naming their feelings.
5. Regression of behavior or developmental skills.
Some kids act younger than their age when anxiety about change crops up. Again, you know your child’s age and stage best, so consider what milestones they have already accomplished if you think they are regressing.
6. Changes in communication.
Many kids who feel triggered or challenged by change will also demonstrate changes in their communication with their parents. One child might have many extra words, questions, constant check-ins, or mindless chatter. Another child may shut down entirely and stop talking or refuse to talk about what they are experiencing.
Understanding Prenatal Exposure to Alcohol and Drugs
Helping Kids Navigate Life’s Changes
When change feels scary or overwhelming to our kids, they may think everything about their world is upside down. You know your child best, and when you see concerning changes in habits or behaviors, examine what underlying needs and life experiences may be contributing to their struggle.
These are a few tips you can consider when creating a plan to support your children to face life’s changes.
1. Validate their feelings.
Help your children understand their feelings, label them, and use words to express them. Normalize that we humans often feel a lot of big feelings about things changing schools, losing a pet, or changing vacation plans. All those feelings – even mixed feelings – are acceptable and valid. Try to include conversations about the experience of grief and saying goodbye.
It will help your kids if you narrate your own feelings about the life change that is occurring. For example, you can talk in the morning about what is happening that day and how you feel about it. Then at dinner, discuss what you experienced, whether your worries came to fruition, and how it felt to get through it at the end of the day.
2. Talk about what to expect.
Many kids struggle with change because they fear the unknown elements of what is ahead of them. When you know any life change is coming, prepare them with social stories, kids’ books, movies, and explanations of what is next. If (when!) a significant change happens with no warning, spend time talking it through and discussing what comes next. These regular conversations will build their skills for the next change they will inevitably encounter.
If you are raising kids with lots of questions or information-gatherers, ask them to research the coming events and share what they learn with the whole family. Other kids might benefit from role-playing or visual prompts to guide them through the transition or manage the aftermath.
3. Brainstorm how to manage the experience.
Once your kids know what is coming or likely to happen, have a family brainstorming session to create a plan to cope. Everyone should have a voice in this process if you choose to do it. Try to include a mix of funny and ridiculous with the serious and intentional tools you discuss. Again, you want to normalize the concepts of change and the emotions that go with change. This can be an excellent resilience-building activity for big and small changes our families face.
4. Stick to a routine whenever possible.
Significant changes, like moving to a new town or losing a loved one, may make your whole household feel chaotic and turned around. That’s okay – it’s a season, and you can model the benefits of routine for your kids by finding pockets of consistency even in the chaos.
For example, even if you moved and there are still boxes everywhere, you can have dinner on the kitchen floor consistently each night. If your calendar is full of holiday obligations this week, keep reading that chapter book together each night, even if it’s skewed later, or you only get in half a chapter a few times.
Several key routines are worth holding steady, including bedtime or sleep routines, mealtimes, and physical activity or exercise.
5. Give them ownership.
The loss of control a child might feel during life’s changes is scary and overwhelming. You can empower your children and build confidence by offering them responsibility for a part of the process of this change.
For example, you can ask this child to be the primary caretaker for the family cat while you unload the moving truck. When you switch to homeschooling, you might offer a child the opportunity to set up their own study space. Or consider giving your teen the task of meal planning when they get a new diagnosis of a gluten allergy. If your family is not going to Grandma’s for the holiday, ask one of the kids to come with a family activity to help you all cope with the change of tradition. Who knows, you might get a new family tradition out of it!
Choose a part of this change that will connect with this child and empower them to own it, even if it’s just for a short season.
Take Care of Yourself When Change Happens.
Many of the challenges caused by life’s changes are experiences we’ve already faced. However, when life changes happen to you, you must take care of yourself. We know, we say it a lot around here. Prioritizing sleep, nutrition, physical activity, and finding joy are all essential tools to keep you going when change is hard. You need (and deserve) to refuel and refresh to face these changes and support your kids through the challenges of change.
Image Credits: Dmitry Egorov; Mikhail Nilov; Kampus Production
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