Organizations like ours have made concerted efforts to normalize the idea that foster parents are regular folks. However, there are still some outdated ideas about what a foster parent is and what they do. Resource families aren’t crazy. They aren’t angels in the flesh. And they aren’t doing Mission: Impossible in their homes every day. Instead, they are quite anxious to tell you a few things about who they are. They have things they want you to know about fostering that they’ve learned along the way!
What Foster Parents Want You to Know
Over the years, many experienced resource parents have shared their thoughts on fostering and what they’ve learned. Here are a few of the messages foster parents hear and how they want to (and sometimes are brave enough to) respond.
“Oh, you are a saint for doing this work.”
Many folks try ascribing sainthood or some angelic holiness to foster parents. After all, only someone with a direct line to God could take in children who don’t belong to them, right? Wrong! The public may be divided on their views about foster parents. But these folks have no delusions about themselves, their roles, or goals.
Resource parents see the need in their community and ask, “Why not me?” They don’t necessarily have more patience (or less intelligence) than the rest of us. However, they are willing to open themselves up as a soft landing place for children going through the worst times.
In our observation, foster parents generally like children and are naturally flexible. They can accept a certain amount of chaos and unpredictability. That doesn’t make them saints. They still get frustrated and cranky, just like you and I do. Resource parents worry about their kids; they may just have more kids to worry about than you do! They have good days and bad days like the rest of us. Despite this, foster parents still say, “I can make a difference for a child.”
We must recognize how problematic it can be to view foster parents as saints. Doing so makes fostering out of reach for most of us. This country needs more foster parents, not less.
“But you do get that monthly paycheck!”
Another common misperception by the public is that foster parents do this work for the paycheck. Yes, they get a monthly subsidy that helps defray the expenses of adding a child to their family. However, most foster parents spend more on their children than they receive in that subsidy. Honestly, no foster parent in America is getting rich off that subsidy!
And for the record, foster parents want you to know that it’s particularly infuriating when someone questions them in front of the child(ren) about how much they receive. We might be preaching to the choir on this one, but can you imagine how it must feel to the child to hear those types of questions? They could all too easily get the message that you only welcomed them to your home to get a paycheck!
“I could never… I would get too attached.”
If I had a nickel for every time we’ve heard someone say, “I could never be a foster parent because I would get too attached,” I would be a wealthy woman. But seriously, attachment and connection are at the root of how foster care is supposed to work! Foster parents want you to know that you will get attached, it will hurt when the child leaves, and it all means you did it right.
Please also be cautious when proclaiming that you “could never because you’d get too attached.” You may not intend to, but you may convey to little listening ears that the only reason this foster parent can foster is that they are callous, insensitive people who don’t love these children. Nothing could be farther from the truth; no child deserves to hear that.
Resource parents want you to know that loving well, even though your heart might get broken, must come from the deep conviction that every child deserves a home where they are treasured, no matter how long it lasts.
“These kids don’t seem very grateful.”
Nor should they be!
Please don’t expect foster kids to be grateful to be in their homes. Most kids would give anything to be back home with their parents, regardless of why they were removed. And resource parents are okay with that. They know that kids being removed from their parents is traumatic, even when it’s for good reasons. Trauma is hard for these kids, and expecting gratitude is a step too far.
Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma
“Aren’t their parents (addicts, junkies, abusers, fill in the blank…)?”
When a foster parent hears this, they will get their hackles up. And rightly so! They may gently (or not so gently?) remind you that the goal of the foster care system is to heal the birth family so that the children can go home. Reunification is not always possible, but until that goal changes, that is the work that foster parents do in their homes.
Speaking ill of the kids’ parent(s) – especially in front of them! – will not serve anyone. And it may get you shut down quickly. You aren’t helping this foster parent by pointing out something they already face daily, and in fact, you could be hurting the healing work they’ve been doing with a child when you speak out in front of the children.
“Most of these kids will never go back home.”
Please don’t assume you know how foster care plays out, statistically or in lived experience. Whether these children become legally free for adoption or not, foster parents are working with the plans set by the state and county where they serve.
They may not yet know if their foster kids will become free for adoption or if they want to consider adopting. Choosing to adopt a foster child often has many more layers to the conversation than they may be willing to share with you. Again, it’s critical not to talk about these issues in front of their kids.
The reality is that about 50% of foster kids do eventually reunify with their parents, and about 25% get adopted by a non-family member, usually their foster parent.
“Oh, they must be so excited to join your family!”
On a similar note, please don’t assume the kids will be thrilled if their foster family does move toward adoption. When the system closes the door on the idea of reunification, even when it is an unsafe environment, it brings up a lot of complex and challenging feelings for foster kids. Adoption may not be the wholly exciting thing you think it is for this child. And it’s likely that the foster parents are keyed into that and feel the same mixed emotions their kids are feeling.
“We get by with a little help from our friends.”
Resource parents are not superhuman. They have bad days. They feel inadequate and are not always up to helping their kids heal. When they are struggling, it does no one any good to remind them that they chose this path or that they can “always send them back!”
Yes, the truth is that they can request that a child be placed with another family, but we don’t know any foster parents who make that decision lightly.
Sometimes, they need a hug from a friend and a listening ear that can keep it all confidential. Consider holding your judgment and unsolicited advice. Instead, drop off a meal, offer to do their laundry, or organize a yard clean-up for them.
Practical Help for the Foster & Kinship Families In Your Community
Consider Fostering
So, the next time you encounter one of these crazy folks with a carload of kids in the school pickup line or herding their gang through Costco, take a moment to think about what they are doing and why. Remember what they want you to know. Give some thought to whether you could join their ranks. They are more like you than you think.
If you are considering fostering, please join our online community. The experienced resource parents there will be happy to support you and help you learn what fostering looks like for their family.
Image Credits: Title Image 1-Josh Willink; Title Image 2-Anastasia Shuraeva; Title Image 3-Kampus Production; Ron Lach; Polina Tankilevitch
Add Your Comment