Curiosity is more than just asking questions; it’s a mindset that drives exploration. It’s the spark that helps kids explore the world, understand others, and learn more about themselves. For our kids who have experienced trauma, neglect, prenatal substance exposure, or who are neurodivergent, curiosity can sometimes be harder to access. But when it is supported and encouraged, curiosity can become a powerful tool for healing, connection, and growth.

Why Curiosity Can Be Hard for Some Kids

Curiosity comes naturally to many children. They ask why the sky is blue or how a bird can fly. However, for kids impacted by early-life challenges, expressing curiosity may not feel safe.

If a child has lived through trauma or neglect, they may have learned that asking questions leads to rejection or punishment. Children with prenatal substance exposure may struggle with brain development that impacts their attention and problem-solving. Neurodivergent kids, like those with autism or ADHD, may experience the world differently and have trouble expressing or following their curiosity in ways adults expect.

In these cases, curiosity may feel unsettling, dysregulating, and even risky for our kids to explore or express. Instead, they may shut down, act out, or try to stay invisible. That’s why it’s so vital for us to create safe spaces where questions are welcome and learning is supported.

Understanding the Benefits of Curiosity

There are many benefits of fostering our kids’ curiosity, including a beautiful childlike wonder and awe for the world around them. However, for our kids who may not have been free to explore or express curiosity before joining our homes, there are three concrete benefits to consider.

How Curiosity Builds Social-Emotional Language

Social-emotional language skills are those that enable us to express our feelings, needs, and experiences effectively. They are the building blocks of self-advocacy and healthy communication necessary for successful adulting. When kids feel safe to be curious, they learn to notice and name what’s happening around them and inside them.

Imagine your child asking, “Why did my friend walk away when I said that?” That question opens the door to conversations about feelings, boundaries, and empathy. The more our kids feel safe asking and talking about these things, the more words they learn to describe their emotions, thoughts, and actions.

For children from challenging backgrounds, this type of language can also help them explore and begin to understand their own stories. When you engage with them in “I wonder” and similar curiosity language, you give them the tools to make sense of their past and share it in a way that others can understand.

How Curiosity Builds Empathy

In a nutshell, empathy is a learned skill that helps us understand how someone else feels. When a child wonders what someone else is thinking or feeling, they are practicing empathy.

Questions like, “I wonder why she was so quiet today?” or “What do you think made him so mad?” help us help our kids step into someone else’s shoes. Over time, they start to wonder on their own and learn to connect better with friends, siblings, and their safe adults. They start to see that everyone has feelings and reasons behind their actions.

Curiosity can also turn judgment (or assumptions) into understanding. Instead of saying, “He was being mean,” a curious child might say, “I wonder if he had a bad day.” That slight shift builds kindness, patience, and stronger relationships.

Another tool for teaching empathy

How Curiosity Builds Healthy Dependence and Interdependence

All kids need others to grow. Although independence is essential, healthy dependence within a secure attachment relationship must come first. Your child learns they can count on their grown-ups to be present, safe, and comforting.

Fostering their curiosity should be an integral part of this process. When our kids ask us questions, they are reaching out to determine if we are trustworthy. When we are supportive and welcoming of those questions, and when we respond with answers, conversations, and interest, we teach them that we are safe and that asking for help is okay.

Later, that curiosity helps build interdependence. This means we are learning collaboratively how to solve problems as a team and support one another. Curious kids learn to say, “I wonder what you think,” or “Let’s figure this out together.” These are the building blocks of healthy friendships, family bonds, and even future workplace skills.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

Ten Conversation Starters to Grow Curiosity

You can help your kids grow their curiosity by modeling it yourself and asking open-ended questions. These practical conversation starters can be especially helpful for foster, adopted, or relative families to build a culture of exploration and normalize curiosity as a valued trait.

1. What was going on?

This question can help your grandchild or foster child learn how to start telling their story. Listen without judgment or correction and allow them to unfold what they felt or experienced in their own words. There will be time enough to guide them to increased accuracy.

2. What were you thinking or feeling as it happened?

By encouraging self-reflection, you are allowing them to exercise and build the “muscles” that build emotional awareness. You might need to start by offering them the language or labels for what you observe them to be feeling, but when they feel safe to explore it, they’ll pick it up from you.

3. What did you do in response?

Asking this conversation opener can help them organize their thoughts and feelings and connect them to the actions that occurred. This sequencing fosters awareness of cause and effect and helps them internalize those connections.

4. Do you know why you did this?

 Or “What were you trying to accomplish?”

This question must be approached with care, as our kids often interpret direct “why” questions as judgment or accusation. Instead, express your own curiosity about what their motivations were in the moment. You could try to soften it by saying, “I wonder what you wanted or needed in that moment?” Try to ask gently, in a way that expresses interest in their needs and motivations, so they can begin to examine their intentions on their own.

5. What was the result?

Helping our kids understand that their actions and choices have consequences can teach them the skills they need for cause-and-effect thinking, predicting outcomes, and fostering increased personal insight.

6. How can we improve the outcome next time?

Building our children’s ability to predict, plan, and problem-solve based on the outcomes they’re experiencing is a process that takes time, patience, and practice over and over.

7. What made you curious today?

This is a great dinner table talking point – it invites everyone around the table to share what sparked their interest that day and discuss it together. More sparks and interesting conversation can follow. These shared “rabbit trails” encourage more curiosity and increase belonging among you.

8. What would you like to understand better?

Asking this one-on-one or in a family setting can give you significant insight into your child’s wiring, temperament, and passions. Helping our kids find what interests them, inspires them, or sparks their curiosity helps us support them in becoming self-motivated lifelong learners.

9. What do you think someone else might have felt in that moment?

Putting themselves into someone else’s experience is a learned skill. Some of our children need more of our time, effort, and intention to help them develop empathy and perspective-taking skills. Asking this question about specific events, while reading books or watching movies, can help you practice together.

10. If you could ask anything in the world, what would it be?

This could be a fun thought exercise for long car rides or dinner conversations! Our kids need to know that their questions matter and that their dreams are valued. You might need to start by helping them understand that nothing is off-limits. Consider asking a crazy, outrageous, or silly question to get the conversation started. Let it be fun, meandering, and creative to build their confidence and trust.

Curiosity is a Gift

Letting your child’s curiosity take root and flourish helps them grow stronger, think deeper, and connect more meaningfully with others. We have the privilege of making curiosity safe and exciting again. With patience and the right questions, we can help our kids open their minds and hearts to the world around them.

Image Credits: Юлия; Mikhail Nilov; fauxels