We are spoiled by the many opportunities we have to work with experts who can offer unique insights into the issues that the adoptive, foster, or kinship families in our community face. Teresa Bradley, LPC, is a psychotherapist with over 17 years of experience in addiction counseling and mental health. She is a Master Addiction Counselor, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, and clinical trainer. Teresa was a recent guest on the CreatingaFamily.org podcast about birth parents who struggle with addiction, mental illness, or intellectual disabilities. We are thrilled to share this guest article she’s written for you.
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Helping Kids Understand a Parent’s Addiction
Children with parents who struggle with addiction face unique challenges. As a foster parent or kinship caregiver, it’s crucial to help them understand their situation. This can be a difficult task, as it involves explaining why their parent might not be able to prioritize this child over the need for drugs or alcohol. Here’s a guide on how to support your foster or relative children with compassion, patience, and clarity.
Understanding Addiction as a Disease
First, you must understand what addiction is, before you explain it to the child. Substance abuse disorders are not a choice. This is a disease. Think of it like any other chronic illness, such as diabetes or heart disease. It affects how the brain works and makes it very hard for a person to stop using substances—like drugs or alcohol—even when they want to.
Your explanations can help children see that their parents’ inability to prioritize them is not an indicator of their love or lack of it.
Communicating in an Age-Appropriate Way
Children understand things differently across their developmental ages and stages. It’s essential to tailor your explanations to their level of understanding:
Young Children:
Use simple terms. Explain that addiction is like a sickness that makes it hard for their parent to be there when or how the child wants them to be. You might say, “Sometimes, your mom or dad needs help from doctors to feel better, just like when you have a fever and need medicine.”
Older Children, Tweens, and Teens:
You can dole out more details for your teen foster child or grandchild. Discuss how addiction can change how people act and prioritize things. Say that sometimes substance abuse disorders cause them to focus more on their illness than anything else. Reinforce that this does not mean the parent loves them any less.
Let’s Talk About Adoption at every age and stage
Emphasizing That It’s Not Their Fault
Children often feel like they are to blame for their parent’s behaviors. Reassure them repeatedly that their parents’ addiction is not their fault. It’s important to stress that they didn’t cause it, they can’t control it, and they can’t cure it — often referred to as the “three C’s” of addiction for family members.
Encouraging Expression
Children need to feel they have a safe space to express their feelings about a parent’s substance abuse disorder. Please encourage them to explore their thoughts and emotions. Ask open-ended questions that allow them to describe how they’re feeling. Responses like “Tell me more about that,” or “How does it make you feel?” can open doors to meaningful conversations.
Consider activities like drawing or storytelling to help them express complex emotions. If the child is uninterested or unwilling to talk, assure them they can come back at any time to talk about their feelings or thoughts.
Providing Stability and Routine
Children thrive on stability and routine. They may have come from a chaotic environment when they lived with Mom or Dad. Your consistency and predictability are critical for helping them feel safe and cared for. Create a structured schedule that they can rely on. Predictable mealtimes, homework schedules, and bedtime routines can give a sense of normalcy and security in their lives.
Validating Their Feelings
Children might feel mixed emotions: anger, sadness, confusion, and even guilt. Let them know that it’s okay to feel whatever they are feeling. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with all their feelings but understanding and acknowledging their emotions is essential. Phrases like, “It’s okay to feel sad or angry. Your feelings are important,” can be reassuring.
Educating Yourself
As a caregiver, it’s beneficial to educate yourself about addiction. There are many resources available that can provide insight into what the child’s parent might be going through. Understanding more about the disease helps you guide the child with empathy and knowledge.
- Understanding Drug Use and Addiction DrugFacts | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
- Drug addiction (substance use disorder) – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic
Connecting with Support Networks
Encourage involvement in supportive communities. This can be through online or in-person family support groups, which offer guidance and connect with others in similar situations. Individual therapy for the child can provide your foster or kinship child a safe space to process their emotions and experiences. With the right therapist, they can learn coping skills to manage their feelings.
Modeling Healthy Relationships and Behaviors
You have an opportunity to model what healthy relationships look like. Show them how to express feelings and resolve conflict without resorting to unhealthy behaviors.
Children often learn through observing the adults around them, so demonstrating supportive, understanding, and loving interactions can be incredibly impactful.
Facilitating Safe Contact with Parents
When appropriate and safe, facilitating contact with their parents can be beneficial. Supervised visits can maintain the child’s connection with their parent, reinforcing the idea that the parent’s struggle with addiction doesn’t equate to love loss. However, always prioritize the child’s safety and well-being. Their caseworkers and other service providers can help you ensure any contact is constructive and positive.
Relationships with Birth Parents Who Struggle with Addiction
Teaching Resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity. Teaching your foster or relative children resilience includes several key elements, including:
- helping them identify their strengths
- finding healthy ways to cope with challenges
- developing a positive mindset about their abilities to overcome difficulties
Encourage your child’s progress by celebrating their successes, no matter how small, and reminding them of their ability to overcome tough times.
Promoting an Open Dialogue About Addiction
Sometimes, speaking openly about addiction can dismantle shame and stigma. You might introduce stories about others who have faced and overcome similar challenges. Discussing the realities of addiction, and showing that people can and do recover, can give a child hope and understanding.
Children’s books are an excellent vehicle for starting these conversations.
Encouraging Dreams and Aspirations
Children of parents who struggle with addiction might limit their own dreams. Encourage them to think about their future positively and help them set and achieve goals. Support your relative child or foster child by attending school events, helping with homework, and showing interest in their passions. This involvement reinforces their self-worth and potential.
Equipping Your Child to Thrive
Helping children understand and cope with a parent’s addiction requires sensitivity, patience, and a proactive approach. Foster parents and kinship caregivers play a pivotal role in helping children navigate these challenging circumstances by providing educational support, emotional validation, and stability. It is about fostering an environment where children feel safe, loved, and empowered to face their future with resilience and hope.
Remember, the goal is not to alter the past but to equip children with the tools they need to thrive despite it. When you commit to these practices, you offer invaluable support that can significantly impact this child’s life.
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Thank you, Teresa Bradley, LPC, MAC, TF-CBT, CPCS, CCM. We appreciate your wisdom, experience, and support to help us help our kids understand addiction and how to maintain their relationship with their birth parents.
Image Credits: cottonbro; Ketut Subiyanto; Pixabay
Great article. Teresa has addressed some difficult but meaningful ways to (re)connect with our children.