You’ve been wrestling with interest and desire to foster for a while. But you still feel like you don’t know enough and aren’t quite ready to jump in. You have some questions and need some answers. That’s great – you are in the right place! When prospective foster parents listen to foster alums’ lived experiences, they can gain a level of understanding or preparedness that courses and books cannot convey. We are always grateful when foster alum share their stories.

What Foster Alum Want You to Know

We recently interviewed four foster alum and had lively discussions about their experiences in the foster system. It’s worth your time to listen to the whole conversation to hear what they had to say.

One of the most common questions from prospective foster parents is, “Am I going to be a good fit for fostering? ” It’s a big question with no easy answers. Our panel offered several suggestions to help you determine whether you can be the right fit for fostering in general and for a specific child you are considering for placement. They encouraged listeners to engage in this thought exercise honestly to assure they are seeking the best interest of any child they may choose to foster.

1. Consider interviewing the young person you may be fostering.

Of course, it’s not always possible, but if you can, meet with this young person once or twice before taking them into your home. Allow them to ask you anything that comes to their mind. Let the conversation flow, and ask a few things that might help you understand their backstory from their point of view.

  • Are they old enough (or capable) to share their thoughts and feelings or convey their experiences? If not, ask a few questions about what they love, what they are good at, what they want to be someday, etc., to get them to talk.
  • Are you willing to hear them and adjust your expectations and approach to help that young person thrive in your home?
  • Convey your willingness to be a safe space for this child to thrive and find out what thriving might look like to them. What are their dreams or hopes for themselves?

2. Reflect on the fostering process and your role in it.

  • Am I being self-reflective about this process?
  • What are my motives? What are my hopes for myself, my family, and the child who joins us?
  • Am I willing to do the hard work of trauma-informed parenting and adjust it to fit this child in front of me?
  • Have I handled the trauma or wounds from my own family of origin? Do I have a good handle on my strengths and triggers that may impact, or be impacted by, a child with a history of trauma?
  • Am I willing to build what might become a life-long relationship with this young person?
  • Do I have the skills to adjust to the ebb and flow of supporting their family toward reunification or changes in plans for the child’s permanence?

3. Assess your family’s resilience.

  • Am I resilient? Is my partner or spouse? Are my kids resilient?
  • Is my marriage/partnership stable and safe?
  • Do I know how to build further resiliency for myself and my family?
  • Am I willing and able to teach a child who joins my family how to be resilient, no matter how long they are with our family?

7 Core Issues in Adoption & Foster Care

4. It’s okay NOT to foster.

Being honest with yourself is crucial when you are considering whether to foster. There is no shame in deciding that your family cannot take this role in a child’s life. You may realize you aren’t a good fit for a particular child or for fostering in general. That’s okay! Instead, consider what else you can do to meet the needs of kids in your community.

  • Respite care
  • Mentoring
  • Supporting foster families through your church or community organizations
  • Homework aid through a community organization
  • Youth Coaching

The Needs are Significant

Every county in the nation needs safe, reliable, trained foster caregivers. Every child in the foster system deserves prepared, motivated, and self-aware foster parents who will be their advocates, soft landing places, and wise nurturing guides. If you are interested in Becoming a Foster Parent, contact your local children and youth services department or private foster agency today to learn where to start.

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Image Credits: cottonbro studio; Julia M Cameron