After Googling “how can i want to love and nurture a child i’m adopting that i don’t like”, I came to your page. We are a concurrent home for 2 half sibling. Naturally, I’ve attached to our infant. The other is a toddler. We got him at 23 months. We have had him nearly a year. My feelings for him have not changed. I do not like him. He is a good child. But everything about him is like nails on a chalk board. His laugh, his voice. I dread each morning getting him up. After 9 months I finally got on antidepressants (I’ve never been on antidepressants my entire life) in hopes for an change. Nothing seems to be changing. I get so low that I go numb and don’t do anything and choose not to do anything. To engage, to teach, to nurture, to bond, anything. It’s not everyday that I get this low, but it happens more often than I am okay with. I struggle with adopting him. Technically we still have the choice whether or not to adopt. My fear is the county taking his half sister if we decide to adopt only him. But there is so much guilt that I have with separating them (even though they really haven’t really stating bonding until lately because she was too young), having him go to another home, his emotional and mental well-being, ect.
We are going to therapy for him and the therapist does talk to me. And I plan on getting my own personal therapist. But the therapy I’ve done with her hasn’t seemed to change my feelings.
Amy, I am very glad you are getting a therapist for you! I also recommend that you read our blog: “I Feel Like a Beast, but I Don’t Love My Adopted Child” You will see that you aren’t alone. You need help and you need it immediately to start working on your attachment to your son.
In addition to individual counseling for yourself, I would recommend joining an adoption support group either in person or online. You need to be surrounded by supportive people who have walked in your exact shoes and a safe place to express you feelings and get ideas from those who have been there and felt that. One of the best is the Creating a Family Facebook Support Group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/creatingafamily/) It’s a closed Facebook group so that only those in the group can see the posts.
I would also recommend that you start reading some books about attachment. Most are written from the standpoint of the child attaching to the parent, but the ideas are good regardless whether it is the child or the parent that is having trouble attaching. We have a list of these books on our Suggested Book page. Anything by Dr. Karyn Purvis (The Connected Child) and Deborah Gray are great.
And last, please subscribe to our weekly adoption newsletter. We will be doing a number of interviews in the coming months with experts on this topic and on post adoption support in general. I think you will really benefit from these resources!
After Googling “how can i want to love and nurture a child i’m adopting that i don’t like”, I came to your page. We are a concurrent home for 2 half sibling. Naturally, I’ve attached to our infant. The other is a toddler. We got him at 23 months. We have had him nearly a year. My feelings for him have not changed. I do not like him. He is a good child. But everything about him is like nails on a chalk board. His laugh, his voice. I dread each morning getting him up. After 9 months I finally got on antidepressants (I’ve never been on antidepressants my entire life) in hopes for an change. Nothing seems to be changing. I get so low that I go numb and don’t do anything and choose not to do anything. To engage, to teach, to nurture, to bond, anything. It’s not everyday that I get this low, but it happens more often than I am okay with. I struggle with adopting him. Technically we still have the choice whether or not to adopt. My fear is the county taking his half sister if we decide to adopt only him. But there is so much guilt that I have with separating them (even though they really haven’t really stating bonding until lately because she was too young), having him go to another home, his emotional and mental well-being, ect.
We are going to therapy for him and the therapist does talk to me. And I plan on getting my own personal therapist. But the therapy I’ve done with her hasn’t seemed to change my feelings.
Any advice?
Amy, I am very glad you are getting a therapist for you! I also recommend that you read our blog: “I Feel Like a Beast, but I Don’t Love My Adopted Child” You will see that you aren’t alone. You need help and you need it immediately to start working on your attachment to your son.
In addition to individual counseling for yourself, I would recommend joining an adoption support group either in person or online. You need to be surrounded by supportive people who have walked in your exact shoes and a safe place to express you feelings and get ideas from those who have been there and felt that. One of the best is the Creating a Family Facebook Support Group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/creatingafamily/) It’s a closed Facebook group so that only those in the group can see the posts.
I would also recommend that you start reading some books about attachment. Most are written from the standpoint of the child attaching to the parent, but the ideas are good regardless whether it is the child or the parent that is having trouble attaching. We have a list of these books on our Suggested Book page. Anything by Dr. Karyn Purvis (The Connected Child) and Deborah Gray are great.
And last, please subscribe to our weekly adoption newsletter. We will be doing a number of interviews in the coming months with experts on this topic and on post adoption support in general. I think you will really benefit from these resources!