All children get mad at their parents—or at least they do if their parents are doing a good job of parenting, which should include saying “no” on occasion. Some adopted kids have been known to throw down the “You’re Not My REAL Mom” card on occasion.
From my experience, how children express anger depends primarily on two things: their temperament and what works.
Genetics Influence Temperament
Our children come to us with set temperaments. Some kids are strikers, lashing out verbally when ticked off; others are sulkers, retreating to their rooms to plot their revenge; while some sunny souls are slow to boil and quick to recover.
Science has shown that children are born with their basic temperament. We have done a couple of terrific Creating a Family shows on Nature vs. Nurture. On one show (Nature vs. Nurture/ Genetics vs. Environment) our guests were the directors of two of the leading longitudinal twin studies in the US. The guests on the other show (Is Genetics or the Environment Most Important in Determining Who Our Kids Will Be?) represented two of the leading adoption studies in the US and also were both involved in twin research, as well. (I summarized my take on the nature vs. nurture debate in this blog titled Nature vs. Nurture.
You might think that your genetic child will come with a temperament similar to yours, but there are no guarantees. Genes are slippery little buggers, and Great Grandpa’s temper can pop out when least expected. (I might add that temperamentally similar parent and child combos are not always a blessing—imagine life with two sulkers. {horrors})
What We Can Control
While parents have little control over our child’s temperament, we have a great deal of control over what works. If you are a parent through adoption or donor egg or sperm blessed with a bright temperamentally volatile, expressive child, and you fall apart or back down when your little darling throws down the “you aren’t my real mom” card, or the “I wish I hadn’t been adopted” card, or the “I hate you” card, or “I’m nothing like you” card, chances are good that these cards will be thrown again and again. If these remarks don’t work to derail you, they are less likely to be used. And lest you think that only parents through adoption or donor gamete will hear some version of “I wish you weren’t my mother”, think again. Most kids wish this every once in a while regardless how they came to be yours. (Read my blog titled “I Wish You Weren’t My Mother“.)
The funny thing is that we parents tend to focus on our children’s temperament, without recognizing that we also have a genetically set personality that comes into play when interacting with our kids. But we are the adults in the situation, and we can choose how we respond.
Mad as hell kid: You’re not my real mother!!!!
Equally mad mom who is successfully faking calmness: (choose one)
- That’s funny, I sure feel like your mother {said with a healthy dose of irony}. Now, back to what we were talking about—your behavior.
- I don’t scream at you, and I expect the same courtesy from you. You clearly need some time in your room (or time-out chair) to think about this. {with a well-timed harrumph thrown in for good measure}
- Your feelings about me really aren’t the topic of this conversation. We are talking about your behavior.
- I’d love to talk about adoption later, but right now you are sitting in the time-out chair, and the time doesn’t begin until you are quiet.
It’s so darn easy to give power to the wrong things. What else do you give power to? What are some of your favorite responses that the rest of us can stick in our back pockets to use if (when) necessary?
[sws_green_box box_size=”515″]Other Creating a Family Resources You Will Enjoy
- Balancing Discipline and Nurturing in Adoptive Parenting
- Walking the Tightrope in Adoptive Parenting: Is it Adoption or Normal Child Development
- Do Adoptive Kids Need Parenting Kid Gloves
First published in 2012: updated in 2018.
Image credit: Palladius Image credit: yevkusa
Also calling their words and feelings a “card” simultaneously acknowledges and disregards their statement and their pain as trivial. There is only one other situation where people use the phrase “pulling the _____ card” and it’s race. Are black people always treated fairly, is it really all equal like white people say it is when they say someone is pulling the race card at work? Is adopting someone really equal to being their parent?
For Pete sake an adopted person or donor offspring had to lose half or all of their family so that someone else could have something to do! How would you feel as a kid or teen if nobody would take care of you unless you called them your real Mom? Wouldn’t that chip away at your dignity knowing that you had to say something that was not technically true in order to keep the peace and get fed and not hurt the feelings of the ones willing to do the work? After all they do for you the least you can do is go along with what they want you to call them? Go along with what they want to call you? Just be someone else its the least you can do?
Expressing frustration at the situation is not “pulling a card” it’s communication. They are saying ‘I’m going along with this whole thing for you partly because I love you and mainly because I don’t have a choice in the matter, reality is not an option for me but I’m reminding you that reality exists and I know that it’s there. I go along with this every day but I’m still sane and I want you to know that’.
Pulling the race card and pulling the not-my-real-mother card mean the same thing, “I’m not going to your pity party”, said always by those who have power and privilege through some unjust advantage.
The author here thinks that “You are not my real mother” is said out of spite, to wound the adoptive parent just because it is yelled in the midst of an argument. Please wake up. Those words are being yelled in frustration and exasperation and exhaustion at having to play the roll of someone else’s child day after day just to have their needs met until they are 18. The last thing the child or teen wants to do is hurt the feelings of the person raising them, they say those words because it’s the truth and they are expressing their frustration that their real parents put them in a situation where they have to pretend to be someone they are not and they would not be there arguing with the person raising them if their real parents had just done their job like they were supposed to. The person raising them could put aside their ego and their desire to be real parents long enough to realize doing all the real work and spending all the real money does not make them their real parents because if they were real parents they would not need permission to raise someone else’s child. The child or teen may be really angry that their real parents did not do their jobs and lost custody of them and the people raising them are not making things any easier by expecting a return on their investment from raising another person’s child (expecting the child to pay them dividends by viewing people raising them as their real parents and their real parents as just biological or their “beginnings” or the “way they were conceived”) The child or teen may be really angry that their parents situation has changed since they were born and they could be with them now if it were not for the frustrating legal permanence of adoption or donor conception. The law in a lot of ways ignores reality when it comes thinking a person’s parents can just be replaced by someone else willing to do the work and pay the bills. People don’t have to work or pay bills to become parents, that is something people do to raise kids, something parents do if they are responsible and giving kids what they deserve. If a person is on the receiving end of a child or teen screaming “You’re not my real mother” she should stop and say you still have to clean your room or whatever it is the argument is about, but also say I know you did not say that to hurt me, your frustrated with being put in this situation and being put into this family without your consent and are angry you had to lose your own family and you want me to wake up and realize that your not really supposed to be here and that you have parents and if they just would have done their job or would be allowed to do their job you would not be having this argument with me. You feel like your supposed to be home with your own family and I agree, you are supposed to be with them, you do deserve to be with them and I’m sorry you have not gotten what you deserve from them. I know I’m not your real mother but this is as close to real motherhood as I’m going to get and I love taking care of you and I love you. I have to have rules for you to follow since I signed up to raise you so sometimes your going to get mad at me. I know that if you got what you deserved from your biological family, I would not have the chance to be raising you or be calling myself your mom and I get it, that means I’m not your real mom, I’m doing the job that your mom should be doing. Does it help that I am acknowledging the truth? I’m much more worried about how you feel and letting you know I understand what you are saying than I am worried about trying to prove to you that I’m your real mom.
You see how that scenario could actually result in a closer relationship than putting up a big wall to protect a false sense of realness?