In domestic infant adoption, usually, the expectant mother (or couple) will choose prospective adoptive parents during pregnancy. It can be an exciting, scary, and overwhelming experience to be chosen by this woman to raise this child. It may also be challenging for prospective parents to remember that this is not “your” child yet. The expectant (or prospective placing) woman has every right to choose to parent this child. She is this child’s mother until she legally relinquishes her parental rights and the revocation period* ends.

The Expectant Woman is The Mother

We can all agree that the waiting period from matching with an expectant mother (or parents) through the revocation period is a strange kind of limbo for prospective adoptive parents. Very little of the process at this stage is in your hands, which is unsettling. However, we must also consider how challenging this time is for the expectant mother.

As prospective parents, you are nervous, excited, overwhelmed, humbled, and elated – and likely much more. You are working hard to prepare your home, your children (if you already have kids), and your heart to welcome a new baby and raise them well.

However, the counterweight acknowledges that this prospective placing woman is facing the most challenging decision she has ever encountered. She’s in a sort of limbo all her own. While she waits, this baby is hers. And once she gives birth, regardless of whether she places this child with you or not, she is still the mother. This is how it should be. 

Prospective adoptive parents must walk that tightrope of hoping and planning to become the child’s parents while holding space for the fact that this woman is the baby’s mother and all they can do is wait.

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Walking the Tightrope of Infant Adoption Carefully

As a prospective adoptive parent, you want to hold this balance carefully and respectfully. You are “all in” on planning and preparing for this little one to join your family. After all, this is exactly why you embarked on this adoption journey! You are also careful not to tip the balance you hold with undue pressure on the expectant mom. However, you may also wonder how to guard your heart and be wise about the signs that this expectant mother will not place her child after all.

Warning Signs that An Expectant Mother Might Not Place

These are common warning signs prospective adoptive parents should know. They may signal that the expectant woman or birth mother (if the baby is already born) will not proceed with placement.

  1. Women who match with prospective adoptive families early in pregnancy are more likely to change their minds. Matches made before the 5th month of pregnancy are often a red flag.
  2. Younger women and first-time expectant mothers are typically less likely to go through with the adoption plan.
  3. The baby is a third or fourth child or a full sibling to a child already in her home. Couples are less likely to place subsequent children or full siblings.
  4. The placing woman is more focused on money and living expenses than on forming a connection with the prospective adoptive parents she has chosen to raise her child.
  5. The expectant parent (or parents) names the child – during pregnancy or immediately after birth.
  6. The placing parent (or couple) wants to take the baby home for a few days during the revocation period.
  7. The language used by the expectant parent is more self-focused, for example, saying, “my baby” vs. “your baby” or “the baby.”
  8. The pregnancy or the birth of the baby is a secret she is keeping from her family – especially her mother.
  9. The extended family (particularly grandparents) disapproves of an adoption placement plan.
  10. It takes a long time to complete required forms, HIPPA releases, and other documentation or makes many excuses for not doing so.
  11. The expectant woman delays her responses or does not follow through with her attorney.
  12. Delayed follow through or ignoring contact with prospective adoptive parents, even if she willingly chose them as the match.
  13. Not following through with or participating in robust adoption options counseling in-person that asks the hard questions. (This type of counseling is a crucial step that should be available to expectant parents to help them seriously consider their next steps.)
  14. The expectant woman is excessively emotional about making an adoption plan or under-emotional about the plan. (This is a tricky one as it’s almost impossible to judge how a woman handles what she is facing, especially when working with strangers and adoption or medical professionals. It’s an excellent example of why robust in-person counseling is in her best interest.)

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Surround Yourself With The Right Support

While it might feel that this precarious balancing act is taking over your life, it’s an essential part of the process that you and the expectant parent must experience. Navigating these challenging conversations requires a commitment to the baby’s best interests. These choices can feel overwhelming and difficult!

It would be wise for you to surround yourself with trusted confidants who understand your goals in infant adoption. You need folks to support your desire to conduct yourself with honor and integrity toward this expectant woman. It would help if you had support to help you balance yourselves on this thin tightrope with hope. Practicing intentional self-care that nourishes and refreshes you to keep moving forward is also a great idea. Try to focus on doing the next right thing as you go.

Finally, take advantage of opportunities to learn about the issues that will impact you as you raise an adopted child, such as:

*Note: not all states have a revocation period, and each may differ. Check with your adoption agency or attorney for clarification.

Image Credits: MART PRODUCTION; Mikhail Nilov; Julia Larson