Raising tweens and teens can be a challenging season of life – for us and them! Their brains are developing almost faster than they can keep up with. Their bodies are also experiencing rapid growth and hormonal changes. Almost overnight they might seem like strangers eating us out of house and home. When you are raising foster or adopted kids or a relative’s child, there are extra layers to consider in parenting. Some of those layers are complicated and painful. But when you prepare for and reflect on the tough topics that arise, you can support your tween or teen with tools to navigate these conversations together.
3 Tips for Tackling Tough Conversations
Tweens and teens are excellent at gauging our authenticity and often are far more aware of how invested we may be in talking about tough stuff than we give them credit for. In other words, faking it or calling it in doesn’t work. They need to know we are present and available, or they won’t make themselves available for the complex conversations that are swirling inside them.
As your adolescents work through the layers that adoption, foster care, or kinship care adds to their experience, you can keep an open heart and mind to support them well. We hope these tips can guide you in what to say, what not to say, and when to say nothing.
1. Prioritize attunement.
Attunement is the ability to be aware of and respond to another person’s emotions. Prioritizing that connection can be hard when talking rather than listening to our tweens or teens. Are you a fixer? Do you rush to offer suggestions or advice? When our kids get stuck in discomfort or distress, they may struggle to express it with words. Our first instinct is often to jump right in and fix things for them.
Instead, try to slow it down and ask yourself these three questions. Your thoughtful approach can make a massive difference in helping them know you are present and in this with them.
- What is my child or teen trying to tell me?
- What do they need from me right now?
- How can I respond to those needs?
Sometimes, you will have to be a detective to listen to their words and decipher what is meant by the words they choose. Other times, they may need a listening ear to feel seen and understood. And still, other times, they are looking for a solution or your help to find one. When you need more clarification, ask them what they think they need.
2. Be alert to the common themes of their experience.
In a recent CreatingaFamily.org interview with Katie Naftzger, LICSW, we discussed several themes that are common to the adoptee experience. While your teens may not be able to express their feelings in these exact words, you should be alert to clues in their words and behavior that might tip you off to themes such as:
- Rejection
- Feeling like they don’t belong
- Perfectionism
- Strategizing to make sure they’re never given up again
For example, they may be upset because someone didn’t invite them to a sleepover. It’s, of course, common for all kids to feel the sting of being left out. However, it can cut deeper for tweens or teens who live with an underlying worry about rejection, like what they experienced when separated from their birth parents.
In these moments, try to listen carefully. Allow them to express their feelings. If you sense the timing is right, express curiosity and compassion for those feelings. You may have space to touch on the feelings of rejection or not belonging. You don’t have to reference their experiences of their adoption, foster placements, or living with relatives instead of parents. However, tread carefully without words if they need your safe, comforting, listening presence. You can always circle back to this experience later when they are more receptive to interacting over it.
3. Cover these crucial topics.
The list of potential topics for crucial conversations with your tweens and teens is almost endless. However, there are a few key topics that you must be intentional to cover with them. Your tweens and teens need to know that you are a safe space as they transition into adulthood. When raising young people impacted by adoption, foster care, or kinship caregiving, these topics need priority space in that process.
Origin stories
Listen for clues about how they are thinking about the beginning of their life. Do they ask about their birth family? Are they curious or close-mouthed about how they got to your home? Answer their questions honestly, age-appropriately, and as often as they ask. Be aware of what they are not asking and curious about why. Allow them a safe space to express their feelings about how their life began. And offer room for them to return to these conversations as often as they need.
Let’s Talk About Adoption ~ a FREE guide
Mental health
Another important topic of conversation is your young person’s mental health. Your goal is to ensure that this tween or teen feels seen, understood, and heard. Sometimes, this may mean that you will have to withhold advice or suggestions and sit with them in their discomfort longer than you’d like. Be careful not to leave that place too soon or minimize their feelings. Your compassionate availability can validate when they are doubting themselves or their feelings.
It’s okay to ask, “Do you want me to help you solve this problem, or do you want me just to listen?” However, it would help if you were mindful of that balance between valuing their feelings and supporting their daily functioning. For example, you can listen and validate your teen’s feelings about peer rejection. But don’t allow them to miss school to avoid the problem. That balance may be a moving target, and it’s okay to let your tween or teen know you are working on it. And if you decide it’s time for professional help for your young person, it’s okay to be firm and get them that support. Conversations can be challenging, but your child’s safety is paramount.
Additionally, be sure to acknowledge their courage in facing the hard things they’re doing to support their own mental health, even when it’s a challenge. Normalizing these conversations about mental health and healthy daily habits to support themselves will go a long way toward empowering them when they struggle.
Race and racism
Finally, when you are raising a tween or teen of another race or culture than your own, you must engage them in conversations about race, culture, and racism. Helping them identify common racial biases or stereotypes can help prepare them to recognize and respond to them. If you find it challenging to understand these conversations, remember when you felt different or othered and someone downplayed it. Use those memories to access your empathy and increase your understanding.
Emphasize to your young people that sharing their experiences and feelings with you is safe. If they share a moment or memory when they experienced racism, it’s a prime opportunity to talk about race. However, remember that it doesn’t mean it’s not happening if they don’t bring it up. Sometimes, tweens and teens don’t know how to talk about issues of race and racism, so they don’t initiate the conversation.
You can start conversations to get them thinking and signal that the topic is not off-limits in your family. For example, you could ask, “If someone offended you by the way they spoke about your race, do you think you would tell us about that?” or “Do you ever think about being Asian/Black/Hispanic? Do your friends ever comment on your race?”
These conversations should happen throughout their lives, in moments of peace and in moments of struggle. It would help if you also considered bringing the issues up when they’re applying to college. Though they may not have mentioned it, you can help them evaluate whether the school’s location and racial diversity are important to them. These ongoing conversations communicate that you can handle talking about these things and are always available to them.
Be Present!
Your tweens and teens need to know that you are with them in becoming adults. It can be scary and overwhelming for them, and your steady, open-hearted presence helps them know they are not alone in the experience. When you tackle these (and other) tough topics with your tweens or teens, be all in.
Studies suggest parents spend less than seven minutes daily communicating with their children! We can all agree that you need more time to get beyond the surface of these crucial moments. When you talk with your tweens and teens, put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off the TV, and really listen. These conversations will not only help them navigate life, but they will also help deepen the connection between you and bring greater joy to both of you.
Image Credits: Karolina Kaboompics; Mizuno K (cropped); William Fortunato
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