Raising tweens and teens is not for the thin-skinned, is it? It seems that one day, your sweet-smelling, happy baby is snuggling in your lap, begging for one more story. And the next day, there’s a grumpy, sweaty, almost adult-sized being buried in the couch with their phone, sneering at your attempts at simple conversation, like, “Good morning.” What happened? Why is it so hard to connect with your tween or teen?

Change Your Expectations for Connection

During our teens’ journey to adulthood, we parents must change our expectations of what “connection” means and how to navigate it. They are individuating from us, and that’s a good, natural developmental process. This individuation involves (among many other functions!) rapid brain development while they are forming identity. However, it often comes across as anger, frustration, selfishness, or criticism of all they’ve known thus far. Your parenting style, values, and haircut are all suspect. They are wrestling with what they’ve experienced and figuring out how to carve their path forward.

Sometimes, we aren’t ready for these changes. And sometimes, their expressions of the individuation process can hurt our feelings.

In a recent CreatingaFamily.org podcast, Dr. Aguayo suggested that three core elements work together to improve the connection with our adolescents in healthy and productive ways.

Reaching

Remember that while your teen might not reach for you like they did when they were two or ten, they will still reach for you. As a parent of a teen, expanding your definition of what reaching looks like is necessary. They may rant over a difficult situation with a peer or rage against a grade they feel is unfair. They might only approach you when they want to hang out with friends or need a ride to the game. It’s still reaching – it’s very different from their sticky little hands begging for a hug.

Teens can also be painfully blunt and even come across as rude or thoughtless in how they reach for you. They don’t hear themselves the way we hear them. Additionally, they are still learning social skills and may have challenges or delays in emotional maturity.

Try to wade through the stuff you used to correct (language, tone, attitude, etc.) and listen for their underlying need. They often seek a safe space to dump these challenging thoughts or feelings. Their need is simply to be seen and heard.

However, that is NOT to say that you should accept disrespect, abuse, or bullying from your teen! Instead, balance how they reach out against what you know about this developmental stage. Be prepared for their versions of the “hard truth” about your imperfections, understanding this is part of their individuation and identity development. As Dr. Aguayo said, “This is not a time when you are lavished with compliments.” And on the occasion when you do get a compliment, cherish it, and make sure they know how great it feels!

Availability

You must be available when your tween or teen reaches for you. Your presence communicates that it’s safe to keep reaching for you. This can be a frustrating and challenging proposition. Your teen may reach for you at the most inconvenient times – like 10 pm when you are shuffling off to bed. Their bodies and brains are on entirely different timetables than yours, and it’s hard to be there when they reach for you.

If you cannot be present when they reach, develop language that allows you both to revisit the conversation. If they try to call you during an important work meeting, for example, text them immediately, “Bud, I really want to talk about this with you. Can I call you back when this meeting is over?” Whatever language you choose, reassure them that you want to be with them fully and that you value that they are reaching out to you.

You are still their anchor.

Your physical and emotional presence is a touchstone to which they will keep returning. Remember when they were a toddler? They would play at the park or a new friend’s house and check in for a quick hug, eye contact, and affirmation that you were there. Mine used to pat my knee as if she was saying, “Here you are. Mom’s here, and I’m okay now that I can see and touch her.”

You were their anchor as they ventured out and returned to safety in their wobbly toddler adventures. This season of your presence might look different, but your teen still needs reassurance that you are there, waiting, and available when they need it. They venture further into the world now, in friends’ cars, on ski trips, and off to volleyball tournaments. But knowing you are present and available gives them the same touchstone they needed as toddlers.

Receiving

You will enhance your ability to be available and present when your teen reaches for you if you can also increase your capacity for receiving from them. What they can and will give you changes dramatically in these years. Suddenly, they are critical of your parenting style or argue with you about politics, religion, and culture. Your jokes are lame, and those jeans are just embarrassing.

Again, don’t accept disrespect or abuse from your children. However, you can increase the range of what you do receive from them to keep up with their changing brain and developmental needs. Let them know that while you might not accept their delivery, you do accept their differing opinions and their process of developing their ideas. It’s challenging work, but your increased capacity to receive from them will help you meet their needs.

Practical Ways to Connect with Your Tween or Teen

Isolation is perhaps the most significant risk factor for tweens and teens, especially those impacted by prenatal substance exposure and trauma. To counter this and other risk factors they face as they form their identity, you may have to get outside your comfort zone and change how present you are in their life.

1. Open your home.

You don’t need to create involved, expensive, lavish events. Honestly, the simpler and more low-key, the better for most teens! Order pizza, throw enticing snacks on the table, get out the board games or video controllers, and make your house the place to be. Welcome their friends and provide safe (but not hovering) supervision where they can build connections with their peers.

The added benefit is getting to know their friends! Gatherings in your home are fantastic opportunities to see your kid through their peers’ eyes. You can learn a lot about what they are attracted to, how they do with social skills, and what kind of friends they attract.

2. Help your teen find their niche.

Whatever it is that makes your teen light up, do that! Whether it’s a club at school, instrumental lessons, art classes, or theater, help your teen figure it out and go all in with them. Your child may not love your noticeable presence or participation in these activities – and that’s okay. Please find a way to join them and affirm their choices and talents.

Parenting Adopted Teens and Young Adults

3. Create family rituals.

Whether you do a weekly Family Movie Night, cook together, or a regular poker game with their favorite candy as currency, your traditions become the ties that bind. Consistency and predictability build trust and safety amid this strange, challenging season of individuating.

4. Don’t ask too many questions!

To our teens, questions often feel intrusive and over the top. Questions also increase expectations – for the “right” answers, to share more than they are ready to share, and they may shut down.

If you are incredibly motivated to improve these interactions with your teen, ask what feels “too much” for them. Then, try tracking your daily questions. Reward them when you’ve exceeded the limit you decide on together. This type of accountability shows your teen that you are trying and willing to learn what supports them best.

5. Try new things together.

Have some fun together by doing new things. Try new recipes, learn to knit, take a martial arts class, or join a ski club. Let them pick something they want to learn and go all in together. The bursts of dopamine you both will get from conquering a new skill is an excellent connector.

6. Let your teen teach you something new.

Boost your connection by asking them to teach you one of their skills. Get into their world and invite them to show you how to do that new TikTok dance or a soccer trick they’ve perfected. Ask them to help you find apps to menu plan or manage time. Let them teach you how to use it. When they are better at you in a specific area and allow them to teach you, you show them another side of yourself. You are also communicating interest and respect for their individuality.

7. Continue offering physical affection.

Your teen’s need for physical affection likely hasn’t changed, but how they prefer to express and receive it may have. Some kids won’t shy away from occasional hugs but might prefer a fist bump. When you are working in the kitchen side-by-side, offer a shoulder bump. Back scratches at the end of the day can be calming. It’s also an excellent opportunity to practice physical closeness without the eye contact that might feel “too much” for them.

The Most Important Tip of All for Connecting with Teens

The teen years have long been “the stuff of legends” in parenting circles. You hear it almost daily: “Oh, just wait till they hit puberty!” Some folks enjoy scaring young parents about the “dreaded teen years.” Yes, adolescence can be challenging to navigate.

But there is also much to celebrate at this stage.

Our most important tip is to delight in your teen! Don’t be so afraid of all the “what ifs” and new dilemmas of adolescence that you forget to enjoy who they are. Some days, it will be more challenging than others. But look for the joy in being with them as they pursue their identity. See your teen for who they are now and who they are becoming. And let them know that they are cherished and loved!

Image Credits: Zen Chung; Anastasia  Shuraeva; Pavel Danilyuk