Crafting an IEP (individualized educational plan) or 504 with your child’s educational team can be laborious, frustrating, and overwhelming. Identifying areas of need, creating appropriate goals, and negotiating interventions and accommodations takes advocacy, intentionality, and perseverance. When you arrive at a mutually satisfying plan for you and your child’s team, it can feel like a slap in the face for your child to refuse to cooperate with the plans. However, it’s not uncommon for kids to refuse to comply with their IEPs and 504s. What do you do when your child won’t cooperate with their IEP?
Understanding Why a Child Won’t Cooperate with an IEP
Many kids, especially as they get to the late elementary and early middle school stage, are hyper-aware of their learning differences. This awareness bumps up against one of the central needs of their age and stage: seeking independence. Our kids’ developmental need to become independent drives them to separate from their parents and identify instead with their peers. While it may be developmentally appropriate, managing your child’s lack of compliance can be frustrating.
Understanding why your child might not comply with their IEP can help you come alongside them and find a workable solution. These are a few reasons many kids don’t cooperate with their IEPs.
1. They feel othered.
Again, our kids want to feel the same as their peers. When an IEP calls for them to leave the classroom for speech therapy or reading support, they feel as if every eye in the room is on them, judging their abilities and intelligence as they leave the class. While some kids have a higher tolerance than others for this feeling, most kids don’t want to stand up and stand out from their classmates.
2. They feel like something is wrong with them.
We adults understand that a learning difference doesn’t mean a child is “less than” or broken. But our kids will only understand much later in life that everyone’s brains work differently. Learning differences aren’t bad; they are just different. When a child feels singled out for additional help, special accommodations, or other support, they may have internalized the message that something is wrong with them.
3. They don’t understand why their IEP is beneficial.
Whether it’s because they haven’t had a voice in crafting the plan or need help understanding their learning differences, it can be more challenging for our kids to buy into the benefits of this plan. If a child doesn’t know why they need a plan to support them — or why specific accommodations were included — it won’t mean much to them to decline the help.
4. They don’t feel equipped to self-advocate.
A child with learning differences may need the language to tell their teachers that specific support is not hitting the mark. They may not know how to ask for a modification or who to talk to for additional help when struggling. Again, to fit in and not stand out, they may stay silent and refuse or ignore support rather than ask for help to fix it.
As our kids get older and the classes become more specialized, they might refuse to comply with the IEP because they don’t need the support in one class. It might be hard for them to tell us or their teachers that the accommodations work in one class but not another, so they “clean sweep” it and refuse the whole plan.
Of course, a child might refuse to cooperate with their IEP or 504 for many other reasons. It might take some time to figure out what drives your child to decline their plan, but it’s worth ferreting out the reasons. When you have a handle on their reasons, you can work together on workable solutions to support your child. Remember, it’s a journey that requires patience and perseverance, but your determination and commitment can make a significant difference in your child’s life.
1. Listen
Learning to listen to your child is a key to understanding why they may struggle with their IEP or 504. They may not have the language to say they feel othered or why they need an IEP in the first place. For example, you might hear that the accommodations are “so stupid,” which can tell you they don’t fully understand why the team wrote the plan that way.
Actively listening to the words they use and how they say it can be the clues you need. Establishing a safe space for them to feel seen and heard may even open the floodgates of words. And even if it doesn’t, you’ve told your child that their feelings matter and that you are taking them seriously.
2. Communicate.
When preparing for the IEP or 504, your child should know what you are doing and why. Suppose your child has a diagnosis that impacts learning and the classroom experience. In that case, it’s a great idea to talk about those issues with your child in age and stage-appropriate ways. Depending on your child’s understanding, you can name the diagnosis and the support that will set them up to succeed.
For example, a simple statement will suffice in the early elementary years.
“Mom is meeting with your teachers to make sure you have all the help you need to learn how to read. ADHD can sometimes make reading hard so we are working on tools to support you.”
At the later elementary or middle school level, you can say,
“I’m meeting with your reading specialist to review your goals and identify the needs from your benchmark testing. They have some suggestions to support kids with ADHD. Do you have any suggestions for what works here at home when you are reading a book?”
And in the later middle school or high school stage, you might try this:
“You are invited to this IEP planning meeting. Would you like to join us to talk about what study habits they can support better for your ADHD challenges? Do you have any specific reading strategies that are working well for you this year? I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.”
Keeping the communication open, transparent, and consistent tells your child that you have committed wholly to setting them up for success. However, it’s also a good idea to keep your conversations concise. Not only do most of our kids want almost no fuss made over them and their schooling needs, but they also have minimal tolerance for lengthy descriptions and details of what happened in every meeting. Knowing you advocated for them and brought their needs and wishes to the conversation is often enough for them.
No matter your child’s age or understanding of their learning differences, you will find it easier to gain their compliance for an IEP or 504 if they feel a sense of ownership over the plan. Indeed, we recognize that in the early years, getting their buy-in is optional. However, as they develop an understanding of their needs, they should also be developing an understanding of the resources around them to meet those needs. Continuing to identify their challenges and communicating about the support that will benefit those challenges must include their thoughts and feelings.
4. Teach Your Child Self-Advocacy
When your child grapples with their identified needs and the support they receive at school, they may struggle and act out. Challenging behaviors in the classroom can be vital in helping you draw connections between their internal struggles and their unmet need. Try to narrate or make observations about their behavior that help them connect their frustrations with their needs. Identifying and labeling the feelings is a significant first step in teaching self-advocacy.
Another crucial aspect of self-advocacy is teaching them to speak up and get the right help in age and stage-appropriate ways. As your child finds their voice, teach them to apply it to their educational process. You might start by writing down some easy scripts that help them ask for modifications a teacher might have missed or forgotten. Offer to help them write an email to the teacher for help. Now that most students have their teachers’ school email addresses, this process can be significantly less stressful for our kids in the middle school and high school years.
For example, you might ask a 2nd grader:
“That sounds frustrating. Would you like to talk to the teacher about how hard it is to write your own flashcards? Or would you like me to talk to her?”
However, when your child struggles in 9th grade, it might be time for the student to manage it.
“That does sound frustrating. What would you like to do about it? Do you need help brainstorming some options? I’m happy to help you write an email if you wish.”
Prioritize Connection over Compliance
It’s easy to feel afraid or anxious when you realize your child is not cooperating with the IEP or 504 created for them. You know it’s a path to success in the classroom, but your child doesn’t see the bigger picture you can see. The differing opinions on these matters can create clashes at home and school. Butting heads with your child over the plan will not get either of you very far. When you can approach the dilemma by prioritizing the connection between you and your child, you are more likely to gain their compliance over time.
Listening to your child’s concerns, communicating openly with them, and equipping them to find their voice and use it to advocate for themselves can pave the way toward compliance. Even if they never gain a more open-minded view of their IEP or 504, you’ve told them that you value them and are willing to work hard with them to set them up for success.
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