When I hear adoption professionals say that you shouldn’t consider adoption unless both partners are 100% on board, I wonder what planet they are living on. From my interviews with many adopting couples and from my personal experience, I have found that in the beginning almost always one partner is more interested in adoption than the other.
Some Reluctance is the Norm
Although I’m writing this about adoption, I’ve seen this situation repeat itself with donor egg and surrogacy. One partner is ready to move up the treatment ladder sooner than the other. Heck, let’s be honest, we all know couples who face this issue when they are thinking about becoming parents without the complications of infertility or adoption. Maybe that is why there are so many accidental pregnancies with married couples in this day of effective birth control. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, it is impossible to accidentally adopt so a spouse’s reluctance must be fully considered.
Easy answers elude me when one spouse wants to adopt and the other does not. My hubby and I had always planned on adopting, but we hadn’t necessarily planned on having four children. After our third child was born, I still felt a very strong pull to adopt. My husband did not. His resistance had nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with being the father of four. He wondered whether he had the time for another child, whether his work would suffer with more kids, or whether his guilt would increase over the time he devoted to work. Would this child have needs that demanded even more time and money? Wasn’t he too old to have another child? The whole idea of adopting seemed risky, and he didn’t feel the need to take the risk. I did.
Communication is Key
I don’t have any magic answers. What worked for us, may not work for you. We kept the lines of communication open; talking about it more than he wanted, but less than I wanted. I asked his permission to share my research with him. I tried to understand his concerns more than I tried to convince him. After about a year, he became more comfortable with the time and financial commitment. He loved me enough and valued my happiness enough to take the risk. We compromised on what special needs or disabilities we were willing to consider. And we slowly moved forward. For what it’s worth, our daughter has been the apple of his eye from the moment he first held her, and he says he has never regretted his decision for one minute.
The first step should be trying to understand why your partner is hesitant to adopt. Don’t assume you know. He or she could be thinking any of the following:
- Can I love a child that is not biologically related?
- Can we afford to adopt?
- Do I want to be a parent at all, especially if it’s not going to happen the “old fashioned way”?
- Am I ready to stop infertility treatments and give up all hope of having a birth child?
- Will I feel like a failure if I can’t biologically have a child?
- Am I too old to become a parent?
- Do I have the time or do I want to devote the time to being a parent?
- How will my parents or older children react?
- What type of medical or emotional problems may this child have?
- We already have birth children, why complicate things?
When You Can’t Agree
You’ve reached an impasse. You want to adopt but your partner doesn’t. What do you do?
Keep talking.
Don’t assume that if it isn’t said, it isn’t felt. If the reluctant partner feels that this is all you talk about, agree to a set time each week to talk about this subject. Talk about what each of your hopes and dreams are from parenting in general. When he is speaking, really listen rather than planning your rebuttal. Seek to understand more than convince.
As strange as this may seem, share your own fears about adopting. You know you have them. The relationship dynamics of some couples is to balance each other out. Yin and yang are great for philosophical discussions, but lousy for decision making if one partner is stuck at yin while the other is clinging to yang for dear life.
Let him know that you want to start getting educated on adoption and ask his permission to share the information with him as you go along. Don’t expect him to be as enthusiastic as you.
Join an online adoption support group for people considering adoption. Encourage your partner to participate as well. Talking with others who have similar concerns can be helpful. Introduce a thread on reluctant spouses. You’ll be surprised at how many people have had this experience.
Take a break from infertility treatments for a set period of time, with the agreement that you can resume if you still want to once the break is over. Spend time enjoying your life as a couple. Remember why you married each other in the first place.
Attend an “in person” support group for adoptive families or an informational meeting at an adoption agency, with the promise that this does not mean a commitment to adopt. Spending time with families formed by adoption is amazingly helpful to normalize the process and to provide an opportunity to ask questions. If your spouse feels it is too soon to do this, agree to revisit this option at a set time in the future.
If you are feeling particularly stuck, visit a therapist to help with communication, and if applicable, choose one that understands infertility issues. It’s not always easy to find a counselor with this expertise, but we’ve provided some suggestions on our Coping with Infertility Grief page.
Give Him Time
As hard as it may be, give your partner time. Each of us has a different speed and style for processing grief and making decisions. If you are totally committed to him or her regardless of whether you ever become parents, say so. If not, talk with a therapist before you issue an ultimatum.
Ultimately, you should not try to force (or coerce or guilt) your spouse into something as major as becoming a parent. It likely won’t be effective since during the home study the social worker will delve into each of your reasons for wanting to adopt. And though it can be faked during the interview with the social worker, every child deserves to be truly wanted by both parents.
P.S. Check out our video on The Reluctant Spouse-When One Partner is Hesitant to Adopt
Image credit: Naomi
I’m almost 46. I have a boy (20) and a girl (25). My husband (36) wants one. I do not want to be pregnant again. Honestly I don’t think I even can. The thought of starting over for a baby not mine I just don’t want to do. I raised my kids on my own and the thought of doing it again even with “help” is a lot. A LOT. I love our life how it is. Another child is absolutely terrifying. Ugh. I don’t know if I’ll ever change my mind. I wish I wanted to, but I just don’t. I have no idea how to deal with this. I feel like I don’t have a choice and this sucks.
Thanks for reading and reaching out Emm,
I hope that you take some time with your partner to thoughtfully pursue wise counsel for this decision. If you choose adoption, the child you bring home deserves parents who are both “all in” and prepared for raising them to adulthood. It sounds as if you are feeling stuck and pressured and it’s a tricky place to be without fully exploring both you and your partner’s feelings and experiences before plowing forward. You do have choices — as does he — and you owe it to yourselves and to your marriage to step forward gently and thoughtfully to a plan that works for both of you before bringing another child (with their own experiences and feelings) into it all. You could talk with a therapist, counselor, or faith/clergy leader in your life. You could also join our online support community to hear from others who have been where you are.
Best wishes to you.
My husband and I are 41. We have one darling 11 yr old whom we count as the greatest blessing. We had always hoped to have multiple children. Due to multiple traumatic health issues I am no longer biologically able to have children and fertility treatments (which we stopped four years ago) were unsuccessful. I very much want to be a mother to another child, and I have brought this up multiple times. My husband is content with what we have and says that we are too old to do this again. He is reluctant bc he know we may need to take care of his special needs sibling one day as well as our aging parents. He says it is unwise and “crazy” to become a parent again right now. He is the most devoted husband and father. I don’t want to force him to do something he doesn’t want, but I fear I may become resentful as the future presses on. I don’t feel like his reasons are strong enough to avoid giving a loving life and parenting another human being. I have been patient over the last several years, allowing time, bringing it up sporadically and when I do he just shuts down the issue or doesn’t respond. One of the hardest parts is that-in the past when we decided to stop fertility treatments he said he would rather adopt than do IVF. Now, he has another reason for not adopting. In my mind, this reason is “convenience.” He says if I got pregnant naturally (now) as a surprise that would be a different situation and he would embrace it! However, that is not biologically possible. He states that actively pursuing a child through adoption right now is insane and not prudent. This subject and loss of fertility is traumatic and a huge part of my story. We did some counseling pre-Covid and at one point he said “I will do whatever you want to do and he earnestly meant it.” But now that it’s been a few years, he says it’s too late. Please share any advice you have. This is something I think about constantly, and it I feel so trapped.
Thanks for reaching out – we are so sorry for the struggles to build a family and to work out the challenges about it between you. We highly recommend that you consider a counselor. If he will go with you, great! But even if you go alone, you can learn tools to cope and manage your own feelings and thoughts about the next steps. You cannot control him, his responses, or his feelings but getting help to manage yours will be a huge step forward for you in the healing process.
Best to you!
Hello
My brother n law passed last year from an OD. He knocked up another addict who had twins while in jail (thankfully for the kids)
We’re 46 and 45 and my wife wants to adopt these kids. We have a 21, 18, and 17 year old. Currently they have young educated foster parents who would like to adopt living a 1000 miles away. The twins are now 3 months old. My wife’s brother and his newly married wife can’t have children and they would like to adopt. However my wife and her parents want us to raise these kids.
Any thought out advice would be appreciated
Hi Phil,
We are so sorry for your loss. Thanks for reaching out. Typically, when social services get involved, they should be able to help you all explore the conversations about kinship care, be it formal foster care, or outside of the system. It should be discussed because the research is clear that maintaining a connection with family is better for the children. If social services is not involved, you might have more freedom to explore options among you as the remaining and interested family members.
No matter, it’s probably a good idea to try to have an in-person conversation. Or at least by zoom or conference call so all the stakeholders can discuss the next steps.
Check out our kinship care resource site for more information. And consider joining our support group to connect with others in similar situations.
Why do you assume “him”? A touch biased? I’m a man and I would adopt a small army but my wife has very primitive and shallow beliefs to keep us from adopting. Additionally, we can’t have any more children and our only child would love to have a sibling.
The author does say “him or her” throughout the piece. However, she is also speaking from the experiences she and her spouse went through to handle their differences about the idea of becoming parents to four kids.
Have you shared your concerns with your wife? Would she consider talking through your differences with an objective third party, like a counselor or clergy person? Or even a trusted friend who can be a sounding board for your process? We hear many couples say that it helps their communication, even if they still don’t agree on the plan forward.
Thanks for reading!
We have 3 children of our own 10 years
6 years and 8 months old… my husband’s 2 nephews are up for adoption however we have been fostering them for 7 months now. I want to adopt them. My heart is all in. He however doesn’t know if he can adopt them. He feels guilty it is his 2 nephews
What do I do… I can’t imagine them being put into the system.
Hi Angela,
Thanks for reaching out. And thanks for stepping up for these kids to be a safe place for them so far.
In situations like this, we always recommend a couple of things. First, would you both be willing to sit with a neutral third party (like a counselor, a therapist, or a trusted clergy person?) who can help you lay out the pros and cons, concerns, risks, and other possible positive or negative impacts) that continuing to raise these boys would present for you individually and as a couple? Second, is there some sort of middle ground that you can seek for the best interest of these boys while you are working out the concerns, etc. with your husband? Maybe seek guardianship? Maybe continue to foster as kin placement without being part of the system? Third, if you cannot proceed with adoption, what are the other best options that the two of you and the children’s caseworkers can brainstorm? Finally, we also recommend that couples seek advice and support from other parents who are in a similar boat – like an online or in-person support group to learn what others are facing and doing about it. Our online community can be found here. We’d love to have you!
Best wishes in a tough situation!
I am struggling to find anything relating to our situation at the moment but this is the closest so far. Me and my wife are in the family finding process of adoption (we are approved just waiting for a child) but she has changed her mind and would prefer a baby, adoption has always been my first choice and a baby is not something I ever wanted but equally I can’t force her to adopt if she has apprehensions. We have many multiple friends who adopted and it their struggles are very much real. I feel stuck between hurting myself or my wife 🙁
Hi Steph,
Thanks for reaching out. It sounds like a really stressful conundrum and I don’t envy you that “rock and a hard place” struggle. I wonder, have you and your wife considered sharing your struggle with a neutral or objective third party to help you talk through and work on a middle ground or some sort of collaborative path forward? Sometimes, it helps to hear your partner share their thoughts and struggles with someone else while you just listen and observe how they discuss it.
It might also help to table the conversation for a little while so you can both think about it and work through your questions and concerns without the pressure of having to make a decision by a deadline. Conversely, some couples find it more helpful to have a deadline for decisions. Whichever works for you, I’m sure that the primary element is an open, honest discussion of the pros and cons of your options — without judgment or censure as you talk. Maybe also tell yourself that your options are not “to hurt” or “not hurt” your partner, rather, to narrow down the age ranges of adoption you can both be comfortable with?
Best wishes to you both. It’s a tough conversation but can be so beneficial toward learning more about each other’s needs and concerns.
I’d like to share a story. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We have five kids; three birth children and two from adoption. The three older ones are all moving on in life through graduation and careers, the two younger are middle school age. My husband always wanted to adopt from the time we were married. I was reluctant from the beginning. Over the years we went to a variety of meetings regarding adoption and my heart would tug, but inevitably I wasn’t all in so we’d move on. Years went by, my mom passed, my dad passed, we moved states. In all of this, my husband’s desire to adopt never let him so I finally succumbed and went through the entire process. We adopted siblings and at the time, I truly felt like that is what we were supposed to do- what I was supposed to do. It’s been 8 years now and my regret is deep. The regret has turned to bitterness and most days I can barely keep it together. I know friends who felt this way at the beginning and decided after the kids had already been with them for a couple of months to return them to the foster system. At this point, the decision was considered a disrupted adoption. I wish I had been brave enough to stand my ground, to understand my own heart and inabilities much earlier. At this point, if we were to ever give our children back (which we wouldn’t) it would be considered a disillusionment (not a word talked about in the adoption community). We wouldn’t give them back because it would crush my husband- and though I am confident that from what our birth children have seen and heard over the years that they would understand, I wouldn’t subject them to this. What is it doing to me, you may wonder? As I said in the beginning, I’m barely holding on. I often feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown and though I love my husband, I’ve considered leaving multiple times. Why am I sharing this in a board that’s obviously 6 years ago? In hopes that someone else who’s questioning will find it. These children deserve a family that loves them and wants what’s best for them- even if what’s best for them is you standing your ground and saying no. Love doesn’t always grow.
I’m so sorry for the struggle to attach and build a connection with your kids. I wonder if you’ve considered counseling, for yourself and for your family as a unit? There are quite often things in our history that make attachment difficult to forge and when that happens, someone who is trained in adoption and trauma can help us unpack it. It is a very lonely place, that regret and struggle that you articulated and I’m so sorry for that pain. There is help available and even if you cannot go back and “start over” you can find ways to build relationships from here forward that can be healing and comforting for you all. Check out this link to find a resource that can help you find a therapist: https://creatingafamily.mystagingwebsite.com/adoption/resources/finding-adoption-therapist/
Best wishes for healing and clarity.
Thank you for your honest post. I feel vey much alone in that my husband wants to adopt a child we agreed to foster. Initially we both looked at this as temporary but he has gotten very attached and is pressuring me to adopt. He knows I am very reluctant. There are few people that I can share my feelings with because they only see the good part of this child and not the long term needs and responsibilities. As a female I feel that other women that I know who have children don’t understand my point of view and am bothered that I will be looked down upon. I am still searching my souls for answers.
I am at the beginning of a similar journey.
We were made guardians of 3 siblings on January. We are not related to them but knew them through church. I had friendly relationships with the 2 oldest, but did not really know the youngest (they are all teens).
Our own biological son has long since grown and left the house. We both felt strongly that it was right to bring these kids into our home and adopt. However, each month they have been with us has been harder on me. Especially the youngest one, she has multiple behavior issues and I feel afraid of her and struggle to interact with her at all.
I have struggled my entire life with depression, anxiety, trauma and my own attachment issues. I have spent the last 10 years getting myself to a place of happiness and peace. I gave all I had to these kids, but now that we are almost done finalizing an adoption (just awaiting home study), I am realizing that I just can’t do this anymore.
My husband loves them all and sees them as our children. Everyone who knows them tells us how healthy and happy they seem since they came to live with us. It seems as everyone involved in this situation think this is a happy ending.
But I am now desperate, suicidal, and terrified that my husband will leave me because I no longer feel capable of going through with this. I spend every day trying to isolate myself away from the rest of the family, so my ambivalence and anger won’t affect them. I often wonder what is better, me being an emotionally unavailable, absent mother to them but letting them stay here with my husband, or if I should just say no? Should I let the adoption finalize and then leave my husband and try to make a new life for myself elsewhere? Should I try to keep the oldest 2 that I have some kind of relationship with and have the younger one go to another caregiver?
I feel like I have lost my own place in my family, that my home is no longer a safe and mentally healthy place for me, but that I am a monster for not being able to sacrifice it for them to stay as they are doing well here. They have some extended biological family who might be able to take them but how would they respond to my rejecting them?
I have tried for almost a year to have this get easier for me. I have done individual therapy as well as the kids. I was honest with my husband about how I felt last night and he was so disappointed in me.
Everyone says that it will get better with time and I will grow to love these kids, but I feel like I’m just getting more frustrated, resentful, angry and scared.
Dear Mary,
I know you intended your response for “Anonymous,” but I wanted to offer my most profound empathy for your struggles. You are NOT a monster. You are NOT alone. You are worthy of care and emotional safety. I can imagine that you feel terrible about the attachment struggles you are experiencing – but I hope you can hear me say that you deserve NOT to feel shame. It’s not at all unusual to feel frustrated, angry and scared about the disconnect and about the future continuing as you see it unfolding right now.
Please reach out to your therapist and ask for some intensive time to unload and process all of the things going on inside of you. It might also help to include your husband in the conversation and ask the therapist to be a neutral third party to help you discuss the situation and negotiate a plan forward. Depression and anxiety are nasty beasts that make it almost impossible to see a path ahead for ourselves and there are many tools to help you constructively plan your next steps.
I, again, am so sorry for the challenges you are facing. Please consider reaching out to our online support community for additional support – there are many parents there who have faced similar challenges and you might get great insight from them. I hope to “see” you over there!
Wishing you the best.
As the wife that doesn’t want to adopt I find this kind of gross. This insinuates that your partner’s wishes to not adopt are invalid, so you pester and possibly threaten them with sentiments along the lines of: (I’m reading the comments) “if you loved me you’d do anything for me” which is emotionally manipulative. I had adoption sprung on me after 10+ years of telling him that I wasn’t interested in child rearing. He took that to mean that he could still adopt and now I have a spouse I probably shouldn’t be married to, because we clearly have different wants. These are things you’re supposed to talk about early and often. Adoption is HARD and not for everyone, and manipulating your spouse into a position they could regret is unethical.
I’m so sorry, Cassie. That sounds like a very painful dynamic going on in your marriage. You are absolutely right – manipulation and coercion are NOT ways to dialogue about this issue of family building. However, there are other, healthier ways to talk through the issues of changing wants, needs, and expectations you are both experiencing.
Have you guys looked into therapy to talk with a neutral third party that can help you parse out the issues and find healthy ways to either compromise or move forward in another way? We highly recommend that you do so — regardless of the outcome of the conversations, counseling can help you clarify what you need and want from the conversation.
Best wishes to you.
2 years later and I am commenting on your post. We share the same name. I have the same issue – my husband really wants to adopt and/or foster. We have 4 grown children. I don’t want to adopt or foster – especially at this point in our lives. Ugh. He talks about it. Lot and I’m not sure how to handle it.
Cassie,
I know you were responding to the other Cassie, but I wanted to jump in and say I’m glad you are reading and reaching out. I wonder if you and your husband have considered working with a counselor or trusted advisor to talk through this sticking point between you? Sometimes, even if you end up still disagreeing on the path forward, it helps to talk through the differences with a neutral third-party. That objective perspective might be able to help you uncover the things you are both feelings and how to talk “better” about them together.
Again, thanks for reading. I wish you the best moving forward!
So my wife wants to adopt a Child, and I want to let her; but I do not want to be (leagally speaking) part of it. I was divorced once and it was such a huge betrayal, and I don’t think I could ever give someone the power over my livelihood that comes with having a child together again. I love the idea of giving a child a caring, well provisioned home, and I completely support my wife; but I am just not willing to take the chance of her divorcing me down the line and taking me to court for thousands of dollars a month in child support. We have talked about it and she is okay with my position and she understands me: But is it even possible for a woman to adopt a child while married and be solely responsible leagally in the US?
Jake,
It’s important that you both understand that the responsibilities in the adoption of a child are the same from a legal standpoint, as if your wife gives birth. And should be approached the same from an emotional standpoint. We suggest that you contact both an adoption or family law attorney and a social worker to find out more information.
My husband and I are fostering his 2 year old nephew. The outlook for this child returning back to his mother does not looks good. Our relationship has been challenging during the last 8 months of fostering. My husband has been threating our marriage with an ultimatum of me signing the adoption paper work or getting divorce if I do not sign. His behavior has me confused and more reluctant not wanting to sign the adoption paper. Our adoption conversations has been intense and emotional with an unfamiliar man that I do not know. Adopting this child is the right thing to do but I don’t want to be pressure into something. I support my husband to adopt his nephew but I don’t know if this is acceptable within the AR law. Other concerns, if sign the adoption paper work to save my marriage who says on down the road we divorce. Than, I am obligated to pay child support for his nephew. Is there any way around for an adopted parent to pay child support since this is my husband family?
Marie, you’ve raised good questions that you need professional help in answering. I strongly suggest that you and your husband get into counseling immediately to help you move forward in a constructive way and to help you understand how to better work together in the future. Parenting in general, and adoptive parenting in specific, require the ability to openly communicate and creative problem solving. It sounds like you and your husband could use some help in this area. You will have to ask an attorney in your state about the issue of future child support. I wish you the very best of luck.
Hi! How does a wife deal with her husband’s immense fear of the homestydy / interview part? We’re talking terrified here. He hasn’t had the best of childhoods and thinks this will ruin things for us even though I keep explaining that the whole point of the interviews is to establish whether we’d be good parents ourselves, whether we have learned from our parents’ mistakes etc. At least that’s how I have it in my head. He also thinks it’s an immensely invasive procedure to our privacy. I, on the other hand, think it’s nothing next to the physical and psychological torture of misscarriages/ failed IVFs I’ve endured. He is willing to do it but is terrified and overall very negative about whether the whole thing will work out, to the point that I have doubts whether to proceed with the application or not. Any advice?
Hi Maya! I’m so glad you asked that question. I think it’s a pretty common fear for anyone, given that the questions can feel intrusive, especially to a private person. He is not alone in worry about the idea of sharing details of your finances, relationship dynamics, and family of origin stuff. Like you, I think it might be helpful if he could try to think about the homestudy as an opportunity for the caseworker or social worker to get to know you in ways that can ensure a good match between you and a prospective child. He might just need more information to do that. We have some fantastic resources to help “de-mystify” the homestudy process. I’ll link them below.
If you two aren’t already part of our online community, I highly recommend it for the peer support of other BTDT families. We talk about homestudy concerns fairly often! Our group is here: http://ow.ly/ORBh30hlXPY
Some resources you and your husband might find helpful are here:
Surviving the Dreaded Adoption Homestudy: http://ow.ly/v0yS30hlXVO
Adoption 101 (overview of adoption options): http://ow.ly/D8WJ30hlYi1
What to Expect in the Adoption Homestudy: http://ow.ly/wRov30hlYqY
We hope these help the two of you talk through your concerns and worries productively. And we wish you well in building your family.
Thanks so so much! I wish you a very happy Christmas!
When I became the ‘birth mother’ I was dating a really cool guy. I had just graduated from high school and started college, and he was finishing high school. I found out I was pregnant pretty soon after we began our relationship. We waited to tell our parents because I did not want to be forced to have an abortion after few months being pregnant my boyfriend passed away due to cancer of the skin. For a young woman, finding out she’s pregnant before she feels ready to be a mother can be terrifying and challenging. Perhaps one of the only things harder is deciding to place the baby for adoption , I have been looking for a family that will have a private adoption with me been searching a free-style, family or any single one willing to have his or her family through adoption . At the time I felt so lost and confused. I didn’t know what to do with my life, including the fact that a new life was coming. I grew up in poverty and knew that was not an option I was willing to consider for my child. At the time, I was planning on keeping my baby, but one day adoption came up in my mind . I sought out what it meant and what the expectations were. I was so scared and didn’t want to do it. After receiving advice from a church rev sister she informed me to search for an adoptive parent for my child here and after praying i decided to create a an account to begin the journey . I am begging anyone who sees this post to share my story and post to help me locate a loving family for my child…
It sounds like you are in a place of crisis and I am so sorry. It is important that you seek support and advice on all your options, including parenting this child, from a professional. Most communities have free or low cost mental health services for people in crisis. We strongly urge you to seek out this help for you and for your child. If you decide that adoption is the best option, then you should consult with either an adoption agency or adoption attorney in your area.
… My husband and I are unable to have children of our own and are seeking adoption to complete our family. please contact me. Thank you.
Niccole,
We appreciate your longing to build your family by adoption. However we are not a placing or matching agency. If you are pursuing adoption, it’s best to seek out an agency or attorney to help you navigate the journey ethically and legally. We have a great resource to help you think through the process of choosing an adoption professional that suits your needs: http://ow.ly/DXX430fW1kk
Best wishes to you!
I have a 15 year old and my husband and I have a 22 month old that was frankly a natural miracle. We have been trying to have a baby for about 8 months (I’m 35 and he is 41). I kinda figure it won’t happen, I am willing to try artificial insemination (with his sperm) but since I have 2 kids I think doing IVF is a little silly- but I do have an insane desire for more kids. I would like to be pregnant again but that isn’t a requirement for me. I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt through the foster care system but my husband wants no part of it really. He promises to keep an open mind as long as I keep an open mind to being “done”. We will probably try the AS before we talk more about fostering/adopting since that is what he wants but I remain concerned that whether it works or not he will never come around to the idea. I am involved with a local foundation that helps foster kids and their families and this is currently a pleasing outlet for me and I feel happy about this. Maybe some of you could use volunteering as 1 of your first steps? I can say that my husband was much more stubborn about the idea before I started volunteering.. So I guess we have made progress. Just a thought. There ARE more ways to help kids than to parent them.
I can say with 100% certainty that few people understand what an adoption actually entails. In the US it is a long, invasive procedure from which you might walk away unscathed, and less likely, with a child. We were unlucky enough to succeed. They even rushed us through the courts, which I thought was odd at the time. Turns out we adopted a psychopath who has completely destroyed our lives. A master manipulator who turns people against each other, destroys everything they touch, and gets enjoyment out of leaving a disturbed trail in their path. After fighting for years to keep them in our home, against a state court no less.
Unless both spouses are completely dedicated to BOTH the idea of adopting AND to each other, do yourself a favor and stop fantasizing about the happy family you don’t have. Appreciate the family you already have, children or no children. Appreciate everything you have in your life. This grass looks inviting, but is full of stabbing burrs. Appreciate the soft grass you walk on today, and walk in the other direction.
I’m so sorry for the really hard things you have endured as a result of your adoption. These stories are always heart-breaking for all involved.
Your advice to be thankful for what you have and where you are in life though, is very good counsel. Both for those waiting to become parents and those who have to come to terms with remaining childless. Very hard to do but a key to contentment for sure.
We wish you well. And we hope that you have surrounded yourself with healthy, supportive people that can walk the path of healing with you.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. You and your family may all benefit from some counseling. Continuing to live with the level of anger and viciousness I read in your email is not a recipe for a peaceful future.
Yes, counseling can always be beneficial when family members are at an impasse or when one finds it intolerable to live with such pain and is ready to change. It’s such a personal and painful place to be and not being on the same page as your spouse or partner surely complicates the issues. As Dawn said in another comment, even if your partner won’t go for help, there is no reason you can’t seek out the help for you.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years. When we dating he said he wanted kids, after we were married he changed his mind. I have brought up adoption before and walked out,we were able to fix our marriage. But I have been to afraid to talk to him about me wanting to adopt. It has been over five years since I brought it up, I can’t get pregnant never even got pregnant once he won’t go to the doctor for it either.
hi i have a question my husband want to adopt his sister’s son he is 10 years old and am not agreed at all is he still able to adopt him without knowledge me! i think he might do his adoption without my knowledge if legally possible
If you are living in the home together then you will usually be involved in the homestudy.
If you want to adopt but your spouse does not, is it possible do just adopt as a single parent? I mean, you adopt the child and the spouse then will be able to adopt the child later if he/she feels like it as if he was a regular stepparent. It is something that is legally possible?
I can’t give you legal advice and every state is quite different, but I can say that I know of no adoption agency that would allow this.
I can’t find the video.
Ahh, good catch. Thanks for letting us know that the link was bad. I’ve corrected it now in the blog. The link to the video is https://creatingafamily.mystagingwebsite.com/adoption-category/reluctant-spouse-one-partner-hesitant-adopt/
Hi All,
The post has helped me a lot explain things a bit more to my partner. I’m 27 and she is 26.
We have known each other for over 10 years but have only started dating in the last 6 months or so.
We have discussed having children and even went to the extent of picking names etc. then we were discussing things the other day and she then said she didn’t have any desire to have children of her own but would love to adopt.
I’ve always loved kids and always wanted to have kids but I’m not sure how I’d feel about adopting over having my own biologically. There are members of her family who have adopted but they were older and couldn’t have children on there own, but they have such a loving family it’s amazing to see.
I just don’t know where I stand on the situation, always having wanted my own kids I don’t know if I could act the same if the child was adopted.
Thanks.
Jme, you both need to get educated on the realities of adoption. You also need to start the dialog about how both of your needs can be met. You didn’t say when you wanted to start a family, but given your ages, you have some time to get educated and start sharing. If you feel like you are getting stuck, get yourselves to a marriage counselor, even before you get married. I think the decision of having kids is such a major one that you must work it out before you get married.
Hello you wonderful people,
I can understand your sorrow so well. When I was dating my husband, we both expressed children were a must. Not in the world did I expect there could be trouble with infertility. After a year of trying we started the adoption process, because we were already in our late 30s, and were afraid, if we waited to long , we wouldn´t be considered for adoption anymore because of our age. Then the miracle happened and I gave birth to our beautiful son shortly before my 40th birthday. He is the blessing of my life. My husband then became very content with our family situation, while I was not. I desperately wanted more children. We both have 2 siblings and large families.
8 yers ago I was able to make him get all our papers ready and we have worked ever since with a great adoption agency. But due to circumstances my husband as indeed canceled 5 possible matches with birthmothers. ( Once because his father very sick, once because he didn´t want twins, once because after I was gravely ill he thought I wasn´t fit enough to parent another child and now 6 month ago because he felt he was to old now, adoption is too high a risk) Everytime I just went into deep
grieving and this last time, I´m afraid our marriage will not survive, becuse I just resent him now so much for destroying my dream. I know he will not go to counseling, we did that once and he hated it. I have tried everything to convince him that adoption is great. We´ve visited people who adopted, met their kids, friends who adopted spoke to him, . My husband has always refused to educate himself about adoption. Noone in his family and among his friends has ever been supportive of my adoption wish.
He thinks I should just be content with what we have, it´s just me who´s always the nagging one.
I also can´t blame our agency for being reluctant to work with us after all their experience with us.
They say time heals all wounds, I´m not so sure about this one.
For those of you that are still young and feel young enough to adopt, you should maybe set a timeframe for your spouse to decide. You might come to the conclusion, to end your relationship is indeed the only way for your dream to come true before you are too old. And that without having a guarantee to ever find someone again you would want to have kids with.
Bless you all, who still have hope and don´t give up.
Tasha
Tasha, thanks for sharing your story. I would strongly urge you to go into counseling for yourself to help you come to terms with either your life as the mom of one or as a single mom. Just because your husband won’t go is no reason for you to not get help.
Hello! When I was 19 I said that I want to adopt a baby from third world countries, a baby who really have needs.
Then, I met my boyfriend. He didn’ t think was good idea.
We married and have passed 10 years without having a kid. 5 miscarriages, 2 surgeries, fertility treatments and recently doctor said that is almost unlikely to have my own kid. I don’t want with a donor and I don’ t want to see a doc again since I felt like I was sick all these years without a break for me, always giving 100% of me. This the end.
I am from Greece and adoption here is a painfull procedure without , most of the times, happy end. The only path I found is from third world countries! But my hub is a from a small village and his parents will die from melancholy and moreover, my hub doesn’t want. He feels its out of him. He is a wonderfull person and he always supported me but not in this. Motherhood is a need. I am so sad, a baby needs me and Ι need it too. Is a marriage or motherhood more important?
Doraki, I am so sorry you are going through this. Is is possible for you and your husband to see a marriage counselor together to help you work out this conflict?
I’m really sorry to read your story! It breaks my heart to hear this. I can feel what a kind and loving person you are, and would make a great mother. I think you should really consider moving on if your husband continues to refuse adoption.
Thank you for sharing this. DH and I have been trying to have a baby of our own and have had 2 miscarriages in the last year, and I had one about 10 years ago. DH wants to continue trying where I’m done. Every time I suggested taking a break he’d talk me out of it, so I made an appointment to go back on bc then told him I NEEDED to take a break. Personally I’d rather take this time to save up to start the adoption process, but since the second miscarriage he doesn’t want to talk about it. His response is always “I don’t want to think about not being able to have our own” or “I thought you wanted to keep trying”. I know he’s sad about the loss, and I understand that he wants to father his own, I just can’t handle the physical loss again.
Sylvia, ughh, what a lousy place to be. Have you considered going to a counselor for a few sessions as a couple. It sounds to me like you guys are stuck on being able to communicate on such an intensely tender topic. Or at least he’s stuck on being able to hear your pain.
After 4 years of suffering from infertility (lack of ovulation, taking Clomid and a thyroid condition), we took the foster care classes in Georgia. That is when I found out that my husband only wanted to adopt a child who looks like us. A year later we moved to Indiana, where more people look like us and took the foster care classes here. Then, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. So, I had a full hysterectomy and am cancer free now. We have been married 8 years. Having a heart to heart with one’s spouse is essential before even thinking about becoming a parent. Don’t give up on your spouse who doesn’t know what they are missing until they become a parent! Yet, try to educate them. I am not giving up on my spouse or being a parent.
I feel this article but from a slightly different perspective i think.
I am desperate to have my own bio child. Have been since I was a young girl. I always told myself to just be patient and one day I’d get my dream…
However my boyfriend doesn’t want to father any children of his own but wants to adopt.
We’re not married yet and have a way to go before kids but this situation is hard. He talks about marriage often and projects us into the future more than I do (ever since he admitted not wanting to be a bio father).
There’s always a chance he’ll change his mind but I know I can’t hold on to that.
I understand how adopting is an amazing thing but I am afraid I won’t bond with the child enough because I’ll most likely have missed his or her first months/years.
I want to experience pregnancy, doing everything to the best of my abilities to be able to give life to a healthy child born from love.
He feels his genes are rotten and shouldn’t be perpetuated. But does want kids so is confident that adoption is in our future.
I try to tell myself our relationship is more than this issue but to be honest it’s constantly in the back (and often front) of my mind. We will not have our own baby. And it sucks. Even though we’re great together this makes me question our future 🙁
Emi, I think the decision of whether to have kids (by birth or adoption) is absolutely a topic that should be discussed and can very well be a “deal breaker”. I don’t think you should diminish your desire to be pregnant and to pass along your genes. If this is important to you now, it will likely continue to be important for you. Have you considered having you and your boyfriend see a counselor to talk about this. You have a couple of options, if he really does not want a biological connection to a child and you really do want one. One option is to use donor sperm. You can select together a sperm donor. Another option would be using donated embryos; however, you would not have a genetic connection. I wish you the very best of luck.
Thank you for your mind reply.
We are only 25 but as a woman I feel ready. He does not.
We do talk about it, every few months actually because that’s about the frequency of my restless episodes (anxiety about the situation).
Initially he told me we’d have a bio child. Then he said no. Then yes again.
Then this spring it was a definite no. He hasn’t gone back on it since.
We spoke about it yesterday and I told him I wasn’t keen on adoption.
He said how about we live in the now and worry about that later.
I can’t help but slightly hope at that.
I am seeing a councelor atm, we are about to start properly talking about this issue. My bf has been cordially invited to join us down the road. I hope it goes well.
I’m so glad you’re seeing a counselor to help you work this out. It is something that the two of you have agreed on before you go much further. It isn’t likely to get better.
I have had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 33, this took away my chances to naturally have a child. I had a friend who offered surrogacy services at no charge to myself and my husband, but he declined this extremely generous and heartfelt offer, stating we would most likely adopt. Now 2 years later he said he’s 50/50 on having children at all. I have told him from the time we started dating having children was a top priority to me. I feel as though he’s ripping my dreams away from me and invalidating my feelings by saying I only want to be a mother because it’s expected of me by society, while this could be partially true, it’s not the only reason. We tried to have children for 2 years before the adenomyosis was diagnosed, it’s been another 2 years since then. I finally told him he has 6 months to think about it, if his answer is still uncertain or no, then I will file for divorce.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know for me that my desire to have kids was more than societal expectations. Good luck.
Thank you for this article. I feel as though I may be in the minority here as I am the DH wanting to adopt buy my DW does not.
I grew up in a loving household that fostered kids and ultimately adopted two brothers once I had left for college (I am the youngest of three biological). They were a struggle for my parents but they love them all the same.
We have two boys of our own and are considering a third. I am content with two where as DW wants three. If we’re to have three, I’d prefer to adopt.
I’m sure I’m optimistic and naïve about the process, heartache, costs, etc. but I’m willing to try. DW main concern is more primal: will she be able to love a child that is not her own? There are other concerns as well.
I will take you points and approach the topic with care and research.
Thank you,
DinSC
Thank you for sharing. I am in the same boat; the DW does not to adopt, while I want to try. She too has similar fears about not being able to love someone that is not her own. Or can we afford it? I don’t know what to do.
MJG, is she willing to talk with other parents who have adopted and might have had similar fears? Would she attend an adoptive parent gathering, if there is one near you?
Thank you so much for this.
I have always wanted a big family, we are blessed to have four very easily conceived biological children. We both agreed for my DH to have a vesctomy. However after 3 years, I would love one or two more children. I would love to adopt a child now. As well as foster a teenager in 10 years until they age out of the system, to provide them a home to come home to. One huge problem, my DH says he is done, he only wanted 2 and I wanted 6. I’m praying for a change of his heart, or mine. Your article gave me a lot to think about and talk about. Thank you for sharing.
JSP–glad it helped.
Hi. Thanks so much for this article. It’s comforting to know I’m in good company. I was always the kid who strangle claimed they’d have 12 kids. Always wanted a huge family. Became a special education teacher, love caring for and helping kids achieve learning goals.Met my wonderful husband after I became a born again Christian. He is from a family of 9 siblings, from asia. He was excited to have a big family. Well, God knows something we dont. While we do trust Him to know best, I’ve had 10 miscarriages within a span of 14 years. Sigh. I thought, well, we’ll adopt. I was very surprised when my dear hubs told me we aren’t adopting. So, I’m still praying and trying, at 44 now, naturally, not with ivf or anything. Trying to grow into that state where I am God’s vessel, and let me serve Him, though my plan hasn’t turned out to be His plan. TRYING is the key word. A well meaning family member on hubby’s side told me, you know you’re not a woman until you have your own children. Even illogical statements like thus begin to chip away at my wonderment of what do I do now? Praise God I can just cast my cares to Him, as He refines me in the fire. Thanks for listening. Bless you all!
*strangely, not strangle. Thanks mobile phone.lol.
KAL, I am sorry that was said to you….I know EXACTLLY how much that stings as my own sister, two sister in laws, and supposed best friend have said that to me….((HUGS))
KAL, I’m so sorry someone said that to you. It must have hurt bad.
I’m so happy to hear your story because my dh is just like yours. He is not opposed to adoption and knows how important it is to me but he’s worried about handling a third child and being “too old” to keep up with another. I hope we have the happy ending that your family has. I really believe we will because I know how much my dh loves children and how big his heart is.
Thanks for the response Dawn. I saw it only now. I do hope something can work out ; the trouble is that I have become so scared of the whole episode that I’m torn between having and not having children. I have reached a confusing point in my life and I sometimes feel it’s best for us to not have kids. But there are times when I feel miserable and want to give it a shot. It’s shaken me completely and robbed me of whatever self confidence I had in myself. Though my husband does say, ” we should have kids for your sake” (he used to say this when we first went to the agency to sign documents), I can’t even bring myself to calling up the agency now. He says he’ll make an effort but there are times when he says fundamentally he doesn@t like kids, the previous experience has completely shattered me. No one from the agency calls and I don’t feel it’s the right time. I don’t think there can ever be , not for us, not when we are so confused.
Yogeshwari, I think you would really benefit from seeing a therapist to help you sort through all your competing emotions. Adoption is not easy and requires a lot of commitment from both partners. You might also benefit from listening to some of the Creating a Family show’s on deciding to live child free. You might find that a child free life has benefits that will work well with the two of you. I wish you peace in this journey.
Thanks for the writeup. It has been a year since we said no to adoption (we were offered twins) and though I tried very hard (despite my own fears) to convince everyone around me (especially my husband and mother in law), I realised after four months, I had reached a deadend. I waited two and a half years to get an answer and I was happy when I got a call for twins. But my husband was adamant on refusing and simply said no. He admitted he would try but I realised that we were having the worst relationship. Banging doors, blaming me for ruining his life and being so unfair everything was a disaster. I went all alone for the kids’ checkups (the night after i had a bervous breakdown), I went alone for getting everything ready ( yes I knew it wasn’t happening but I was in denial). Our relationship was in tatters then (a couple of months before the call came) and we had started getting just about okay. Then the call came for one year old twins and he freaked out. I was scared but knew I couldn’t afford to be weak because I had such a fight to put up. But eventually I gave up. I don’t know how but I decided to give this marriage a shot and today he does say we should get in touch with the centre. But I am so shaken with my past experience and will my age (38) that I wonder if it is worth it. That said, I cry and do go through immense depression. What should I do?? I suffer from the guilt of giving them up!
Yogeshwari, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. In the US, your age would not be a huge problem in any type of adoption-domestic infant, foster care, or international. But I wonder what type of adoption preparation you and your husband have received. I think every adoptive parent (and I mean both parents) needs to be well prepared for any type of adoption, but especially when adopting a child past infancy. That your husband became so frightened so quickly when offered 1 year old twins may be a sign that he needs more education. It also sounds like you and he could benefit from seeing a marriage counselor to support you both during the huge decision making time. Good luck.
Thank you for this. I’m in a serious committed relationship, seemingly headed toward marriage. Last night we had a “real talk” about what kind of family we want to have. Every since I was in high school, I have wanted to adopt. There are many reasons why, and it has been a passionate desire I’ve carried with me for the past 10 years. However, my bf seems completely against the idea of adoption. His main argument being he wants to “pass along his genes” something I’ve never really cared one way or the other about. From my perspective, I would love any child I adopt as much as a child I have biologically. Upon adoption they will be a true part of my family, my beloved, not some child I’m just helping to raise. It doesn’t seem he has that same perspective.
Last night shook me up, because for the past couple years I’ve been convinced my bf is the man I want to marry – However I know I don’t want to marry someone who would never want to adopt. I felt like I was on the precipice of a break up. This article was extremely comforting and gives me hope for our future.
KatK, I’m glad it helped. Keep in mind that you “sprung” something on him that he has probably never thought about. Also, you will likely have the option of having bio kid(s) as well as adopted kid(s).
I am in exactly the same situation. We are fairly young and can wait to decide but I’m afraid I’ll lose so many years of my life and so much of my heart if we have to break up over it in the future. I have a phobia of fetuses which I don’t think I could ever work through enough to have a bio child and I’d love to adopt. But my bf is a “passing on your genes is the meaning of life” kind of person. When I think about it my heart breaks. What to do?
Rhy, I don’t have any major advice other than don’t ignore this issue. It is fundamental and needs to be addressed before you get married. Would you consider seeing a counselor to work through your phobia of fetuses?
I would be willing to see a councilor but I doubt I could ever get accustomed enough to feel comfortable with reproducing. I can’t even look at an image of a fetus now.
I think it’s pretty typical before therapy to say that you will never get past a phobia. Give therapy a try and go in without preconceived ideas of how far you can come.
One way to convince a spouse is with a compelling story of a positive adoption. Jennifer Grant’s new adoption memoir, “Love You More” is a great resource. As she tells the story of expanding their family from three kids to four by adopting a daughter from Guatemala, she addresses many of the issues surrounding adoption. But it’s skillfully woven in to a sweet, funny, tender story of what it means to be a family. I recommend it. Here’s the amazon link. http://amzn.to/oMmHGD
If you are interested to learn more about embryo adoption, there is a free online searchable donor database at http://www.dreamababy.com. There are available embryos right now at this clinic. They also have a blog at http://www.sweetfertility.com. Check it out!
Thaks for always talking about the stuff no one wants to talk about. This describes my life. I am so frustrated I could scream. I’ll try your approach first.
Yet another advantage to being a prospective single mom by choice. I have to deal with only my own reluctance.
Thank you for this! Very helpful.
ICLW
Yep, the social worker who did our homestudy seemed to think it was unheard of that I was not as wild about the idea as my husband and that I had taken longer to get on board than he did. We’ve had our son now for 14 months and I couldn’t be more happy than if I had given birth to him. So, you are right. It is not the kiss of death for one spouse to be more hesitant than the other.
I’m thankful my dh is on board with adoption if we have to go that route.
Happy iclw…#31
This is my situation to a T. I want to adopt so bad I wouldn’t do one more IF appointment if DH would give me the thumbs up to adopt. All I can do is trust in god’s calling for me and one day he will show me why I want to adopt.
Ahhh…the infertility ladder. Yes, I am ready for IVF yet my husband is not. I am nervous as we haven’t really had the adoption talk yet.
Thank you for this post. While my husband and I have not made a decision about if adoption is in our future or not, I am more willing at this point in time to consider it. Your article gives me ways to work with him and us as we look at this decision.
I worry about this all the time. I’m more on board for adoption than my husband is, if that is what we decide to do. But I worry that he’ll never get on board. It’s nice to read that I’m not the only one who feels like this.
Happy ICLW
Ashlee, #50
I feel less alone. Thanks. I will try to give him time.
I feel the pressure from my husband to just get on with it and adopt. I have sent him this blog. I want him to know that he shouldn’t be trying to pressure me to make this big of a decision. I feel better knowing I’m not alone here. I think your suggestions gives us a way to move forward while respecting both of our positions and our feelings. Thank you. I will go listen to the show on this topic.
Terrific work! Why is so little information available on when one parent is gungho and the other is scared stiffless. I appreciate the suggestions.
What a great post. So, do we need to work it all out and he has to be completely totally excited about the prospect of adoption before the home study. If so, we’ll never get there. He’s willing to move forward, but like you said, he’s not able to be all giddy about it…yet. I know he will be once it becomes more real. He thinks he will be too. I think you are right that we need to be around adoptive families. That’s going to be my next goal. Find an in person real life adoptive support group. Thank you for being with us on our infertility journey and now maybe on our adoption journey. Your show was and still is my lifeline. I noticed that DH has now downloaded a bunch of the adoption shows, so he’s getting on board.
I’m thankful for this post, especially right now. My DH is ready to move to adoption, but I simply am not ready. It’s funny reading this blog from the perspective of the reluctant spouse. I showed it to him and then we wathched the video. We had the best discussion we’ve ever had about adoption. He is going to get educated and then share without pressure what he learned. He has already downloaded most of all of your podcasts so it will take him a while–thank goodness. I especially liked the part about not putting pressure on me to be enthusiatic, which is something he would have done if you hadn’t mentioned that he shouldn’t. I don’t know where we will end up, but we feel closer and more understanding for each other and I am so thankful.
After finally receiving a pretty definitive infertility diagnosis, we began the transition from infertility to adoption. I moved along that path faster than my hubby (a.k.a. “Spock”). It’s very difficult for him to communicate in the affective domain. So, about once a week, I would simply ask him where was on a scale from 1-10 regarding his readiness to consider adoption. Giving me a number felt much easier and less threatening to him than telling me how he felt. And it helped me gauge his progress in some objective way without pestering him.
As you suggested, I also tried to ask a “Would you be willing to…” question every couple of weeks, proposing small non-committal steps such as dinner w/friends who had adopted, an adoption information meeting, etc. It took him about 4 months to come around, much less time than I had feared. He just needed that time to process, grieve, imagine, etc.
Kristen, what a great idea to ask him to give a numerical rating on his adoption readiness. For some people this is how they best process information.