You’ve welcomed your grandchild or other relative child to your home and provided a safe, predictable, loving space where they can grow. It’s both fulfilling and satisfying as you watch the child bloom as they settle into your home and daily routine. They feel safe, cherished, and open to learning how to heal from the loss or chaos they experienced before coming to your house. However, you know this child is missing their parents daily. Regardless of your relationship with their parents or how the parents connect (or don’t) with their child, you want this child to know they are loved.

8 Tips for Helping Kids Cope with An Absent Parent

When children are raised apart from their parents, it’s common for them to blame themselves for the separation. We adults know that the child is not at fault, but it can be challenging to talk about it with the child in healthy, respectful ways. Every child deserves to love and be loved by their adults! However, sometimes, parents struggle to show love when alcohol or drug use interferes with daily life. These tips can help you navigate complicated conversations with this child.

1. Start with your own complicated feelings.

Whether this child’s parent is your adult child, nephew, or family friend, it’s okay to admit that you might have unresolved feelings. You might feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, or resentful about the choices and actions that led to the separation from their child. It’s natural to feel those emotions — especially if you also are experiencing hurt from those behaviors.

However, please consider how to work through those feelings as soon as possible. You can talk with a counselor, faith leader, or caseworker for help. You might also have a trusted spouse, friend, or other family member who can be a safe space for this conversation. Try not to stuff your feelings or ignore them! Find coping strategies for your complicated emotions to stay focused on what is in your best interest and this child’s.

2. Validate the child’s feelings.

When your grandchild or nephew comes to you with their complex feelings about their parent’s absence, empathize with them and assure them that these emotions are normal. Explain that feeling sad, angry, or confused about the situation is indeed very hard. Make sure they know that you understand why they feel that way without assigning or affirming any blame.

Remember that children living in the care of family members often carry shame, guilt, or blame for the events that required them to move away from home. Again, we adults know that the child is not at fault, but the child needs us to reaffirm that they are not to blame for anything the adults did or did not do. Validating how hard, painful, and challenging this is to help them know they are not alone or at fault.

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3. Keep explanations age-appropriate and factual.

It might be helpful to explain the events that brought this child to your doorstep. Repeat the narrative often, gently, and compassionately so the child can understand.

For example, “Dad is having a hard time taking care of himself right now. His sickness makes it hard for him to remember how to take care of you. Right now, you are safest living with me.”

4. Reassure the child that they are loved.

No matter how challenging Mom or Dad’s behaviors can be, this child still longs to be loved and cherished by their parents. If you can do so truthfully, reassure them that Mom and Dad’s sickness might mean living apart but that no matter what, they still love the child deeply.

If you cannot offer that reassurance honestly, affirm how deeply you love this child. Find ways to assure the child of the many other safe adults that love them. Again, to help you cope with the nuanced difficulties of this child’s specific situation, develop a script that you can use repeatedly.

For example, “I love you very much and I’m so glad you are here with me.” Or “You are safe and loved in this home. While you are here, we will always keep you safe.”

5. Avoid placing blame or speaking negatively.

Every child deserves the opportunity to admire and respect their parents. Avoid participating in harmful or disrespectful talk about your grandchild’s parent(s). If you hear the child speaking negatively, gently re-direct them to a positive perspective or empathize with them without joining the negativity.

In other moments of connection with your grandchild, share an observation about their parents that points out a positive trait. For example, “Your art teacher showed me your last project. It looks like you may have inherited your Dad’s creative eye for color,” or “I saw how kind you were to that stray kitty at the park. I remember your Mom always had a tender heart for animals, too. I bet you get that from her.”

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6. Find ways to connect with the parents.

When this child cannot be in their own home with their parents, they may feel disconnected and struggle to explain it in their own words. You might need to take the lead by making observations like, “Hmmm, I wonder if you feel sad today because you miss your mother.” As you navigate this conversation with the child, offer them a few options for connecting with their parent.

Even if the parent is not accessible or available to this child, try these tips to build a sense of connection within the child that soothes their sadness or loneliness.

  • Send a text or an email written by the child.
  • Draw a picture – then email it or send it by text.
  • Write a letter (or draw a picture) in a journal to be shared at the next visit.
  • Make a fun video for the parent.
  • Say a prayer, read a book, or write a poem about love, parents, playing together, etc.
  • Invite their parents to a playdate at the park or for dinner (if safe and appropriate).
  • Schedule a Facetime or video call for once-a-week visits.

7. Be open and available.

Model your open-heartedness toward this child’s parents by remaining hopeful and open to re-establishing contact. If the child’s safety is not at risk, try to find some middle ground between zero contact and living together. While the child’s parents try to get back on their feet, they need hope that their family can heal.

Even if an in-person visit is impossible, talk to the child positively about your hopes for future contact or visits. For example, “Dad’s not quite ready to visit this month, but we can hope together (or pray or wish) for him to keep getting better so we can try again next month.”

8. Ask the child’s parents for their input.

This child’s parents can help build trust in their child’s mind by affirming that you are a safe place while they recover. When possible, and the parents can safely be in contact, encourage them to try these ideas to help their child cope with their absence. Their affirmation of your care and protection will go a long way toward helping this child trust you and rest in your care.

Keep the Child’s Best Interests as the Priority

No matter your relationship with this child’s parents or other family members, you must all commit to working together for the child’s best interests. Holding your love and best hopes for the child’s welfare as your top priority can help you all focus on working together through complicated conversations during the parents’ absence. It’s not always smooth sailing, so having a common goal and shared love for the child will focus your efforts while you figure out how to support the child.

Image Credits: cottonbro studio; Pixabay; Mikhail Nilov