We all want to raise kids who are confident and secure in their identity and competent to manage adulthood when they face it. Raising capable kids is a worthy goal. However, getting them there can be a significant challenge for many reasons, not the least of which is that the definition of “capable” must look different for each child.

What’s So Hard About Raising Capable Kids?

When tailoring the definition of “capable” to our individual children, we often must consider the other challenges our kids face as they grow. Many of our adopted and foster kids, or kids raised by grandparents or family members, face significant histories of loss, neglect, or other traumatic experiences. They might have a history of prenatal substance exposure.

As a result, they also deal with learning challenges, mental or emotional health diagnoses, physical disabilities, or neurodivergence. Additionally, their personalities and temperaments are unique, which brings other needs to consider.

“Parenting is tough every day, but it’s that much more tough when your child has been told they’re just not good enough.” ~ Dr. Deborah Winking*

Six Habits for Raising Capable Kids

How, then, do parents and caregivers raise capable kids who can thrive in their uniquely precious way? The good news is that research has uncovered several habits we can implement in our homes to strengthen our efforts. We can raise confident, secure, capable kids when we focus on what capable looks like for the child in front of us!

Habit 1: Believe that effort creates ability.

No matter how others around us view our child’s limitations, we must believe that our efforts to support our kids and our kids’ efforts to build ability will increase their potential.

Again, our efforts (and our children’s) will play out differently for each child we raise. One child may need more or different support than the other kids in our home. Our efforts may need to be of the long-haul, marathon variety. But we must believe that effort can trump a diagnosis.

Holding onto that belief can be challenging, so consistently praise your child for their effort, regardless of the outcome. Practice positive self-talk in which you acknowledge and applaud your efforts to support this child. Be sure to surround yourself with safe, caring adults who will recognize your effort in encouraging ways!

Habit 2: Set a vision of “capable.”

We should work together to create a shared vision of our child’s future to aim our efforts toward. That belief should be formed and shaped by their talents, areas of interest, what motivates them, and what they feel passionate about. We can consider adding our hopes for them, though their input should lead the conversation.

We suggest making this conversation an event – like a scheduled brainstorming session or dinner out together for a focused time to talk. Time alone with our individual kids can communicate the strength of our belief and commitment to the vision we create. When crafting this shared vision, encourage honesty about their abilities and a commitment to adjusting it as they change and grow.

How to Cultivate Resilience in Your Kids

Habit 3: Send messages of their capability.

Many of our kids have an alphabet soup of labels or diagnoses and other documentation tracking their progress. Those diagnoses or labels can help us access the resources and services our kids need to succeed. However, we should feel free to discard those same labels if they change how we think about or act on our child’s potential.

How we use words (including labels and diagnoses) and behave tells our kids that we consider them capable. Sadly, those words and actions can also communicate that we see them as disabled, incapable, or somehow lacking. Remember that we also send messages based on what we don’t say! If we constantly praise a sibling, our child may fall into comparisons and feel “less than” or “not enough.”

Intentionally spread the praise to the whole family as fairly and equally as possible. And try to focus your encouragement on their efforts, character, and progress rather than the outcomes or what they’ve produced.

Habit 4: Challenge them beyond their comfort zone.

Understandably, we may hesitate to challenge our kids to try new things or push their limits. We don’t want our kids to fail or feel pain, rejection, or frustration. However, we also know those discomforts often lead to growth, self-confidence, and higher self-esteem. Challenged growth can be a vehicle for expanding their abilities and their potential.

We can consider how to challenge our kids (and ourselves!) slightly beyond their current abilities so they can reach their potential. For example, suppose your child wants to go to summer camp but is afraid to sleep away from home. You can offer an evening visit without you at a safe friend or relative’s house, then pick them up at bedtime. The next time, arrange with that same trusted friend or relative to allow the child to stay overnight with the promise that you will pick them up whenever they feel uncomfortable. You can practice allowing them to stay over with other safe friends or family members or stay several nights at the same place.

Each time, you should communicate that you believe they can do this. Please don’t project your worries onto them (this might be a challenge beyond your comfort zone that allows you to grow!). Try to fit in all these gradual steps before summer camp. If your child becomes overwhelmed and anxious, it’s okay to stop and try again later without any shame or embarrassment for either of you. There are plenty of day camps out there that are great fun for kids.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

Habit 5: Allow room for choices and consequences.

It’s so easy to want to give some of our kids a pass, whether because of how we perceive their abilities or because we don’t want one more thing to hold the line on. Sometimes, we feel like they face more challenges than our other kids. Whatever the reason, please consider that it can be risky to let them slide by without realizing the consequences of their actions.

We must be willing to give space for our kids to make choices, even those we disagree with, and then hold all our kids accountable for those choices and the consequences that naturally follow. When we make all the choices for our children, they don’t learn how to express their voice and never feel ownership or agency over those choices. Allowing them to face the results of their actions also helps them connect cause and effect tangibly. Feeling the consequences of their actions is a life lesson that builds the ability to weigh out risks and bounce back from bad choices.

As young as our children can handle it, we should offer them choices and let them experience the consequences. This might start with “peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese for lunch today?” but can become more significant choices. We get the joy of seeing their ability to weigh risks, assess pros and cons, and predict outcomes grow, which builds a sense of competence. Watching our kids flounder or experience negative consequences is hard, but we can support them. We can help them by discussing what they chose, how it played out, and what they might try the next time. Our compassion and presence, even when they face difficult choices and consequences, will help them persevere.

Habit 6: Celebrate persistence to build a narrative of strength.

Many of our kids with challenging childhood experiences, labels, or diagnoses receive far more negative feedback than positive. Children perceive every negative comment or interaction as more loss or trauma. They also tend to take even the slightest criticism deeply personally. As a result, they struggle to see themselves as strong, capable, or “enough.”

To help our kids reframe that view of self and build them up as we see them, we must reinforce their efforts repeatedly. Focusing on what they produced is so tempting – that A on the English paper or the complex but crooked Lego tower. It’s also easy to hone in on right vs. wrong, like when they put all the laundry away in the correct drawers or left their bike out in the rain.

Instead, we can tell them stories about their lives through meaningful praise for their resilience and positive reinforcement for their efforts over time. Point out repeatedly how they do well, why their persistence to keep trying makes a difference, and how you see their character growing. Weave together a story that frames them as strong, valued, and loved for who they are, not what they do. Over time, these narratives will help them build a positive self-identity beyond the negative feedback they get. Your celebration will give them tools to face and cope with the negativity they encounter throughout their lifetime.

Create an Environment of Potential

Most of us are familiar with the psychologist Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs. At the pinnacle of that hierarchy is self-actualization, which is the need to be the best person one can be and reach one’s full potential. We get to lead our kids to the fulfillment of that need when we intentionally develop these habits for each of our kids, regardless of their uniqueness. We have the privilege of growing with them, changing, guiding, and adapting to meet their needs as they work toward the precious potential within them.

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Image Credits: 
Title Collage - Kaboompics.com, Tima Miroshnichenko, RDNE Stock project, Gustavo Fring 
Body of article - Kampus Production, Ron Lach