Welcoming and raising older foster children

Choosing to open your home to foster a child is a significant statement about your love for your community and the children around you. On behalf of our CreatingaFamily.org team, thank you for opening your home and heart to children who need safe, soft places to land! The decision to open yourself to helping a child heal includes the acknowledgment that you must be open to and prepared for all possibilities, including kids who may identify as LGBTQ+.*

*A note about language: We are using the acronym LGBTQ+ for this article, and we do so in the most inclusive sense possible for people with diverse sexual orientations, gender identities, and gender expression (SOGIE.) We include the “+” sign to acknowledge the diversity and to recognize those who don’t feel included explicitly in the LGBTQ+ acronym, such as “gender variant” or “gender diverse.”

3 Tips for Fostering an LGBTQ+ Child or Youth

Understanding and predicting all aspects of a child’s exploration of identity is impossible. As a foster parent, your role is to support the child you welcome to your home, regardless of your feelings or levels of comfort with their exploration and development. It’s a unique position to be in, as you are parenting them during this season of their life while also committing to supporting the goals of the foster system, which may also include their parents’ input and involvement.

These tips can help you educate yourself and prepare well for any child you welcome, regardless of their identity. Even if you’ve already fostered a child who identifies on the broad spectrum of LGBTQ+, these tips can be helpful refreshers to bolster your commitment to the child’s well-being while they are in your care.

Tip #1: Prepare. 

You can start with an honest assessment of your motives for fostering. Are you becoming a foster parent to provide a safe, supportive, and loving home where a child or youth can thrive? Do you feel confident in your ability to extend that safety, support, and love to all children and youth, regardless of their sexual orientation and gender identity? Have you identified areas in which you may need to learn more about how children develop their identity, including but certainly not limited to sexual development?

Do you feel discomfited with the issues?

Consider also what your thoughts, biases, blind spots, or even misconceptions might be about the LGBTQ+ community. Do you feel internal discomfort even thinking about the Queer community? Can you identify why? How do you plan to grapple with that discomfort? Do you have resources for understanding your thoughts and how they inform your actions and beliefs?

Do you know the proper language?

Another way to prepare well for welcoming LGBTQ+ youth to your home is to familiarize yourself with the terminology that represents their community. Yes, there are lots of letters in these acronyms! These letters represent an attempt to capture the entire range of human experiences related to gender and sexuality. 

The other titles, like Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning, Plus, etc., are also a tool for understanding how people experience their gender identity. Did you know 2S indicates an Indigenous/American Indian/Alaskan Native person with masculine and feminine spirits? It’s okay if you don’t. And if you aren’t sure which term to use for a youth who joins your home? It’s also okay to respectfully ask them! 

Are you aware of the risk factors?

You must understand the risks for kids who identify as LGBTQ+ or are questioning if they do. For example, LGBTQ+ youth are over-represented in the foster care system. They often experience a lack of affirmation in their significant relationships (school, home, etc.). They are also at higher risk of abuse, family rejection, disrupted placements, and lower well-being and are more likely to be placed in residential facilities.

There is a significant need in every state for prepared, educated foster families who can handle the risk factors these youth experience.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma

Tip #2: Create a safe, welcoming home. 

Just as you would with any other child you foster in your home, it’s vital that you intentionally build a safe, trusting connection between you. Many kids may come to you with an innate mistrust of adults, and youth who identify as LGBTQ+ often have additional layers you will need to work through.

Offer a kind welcome.

To build a good foundation for felt safety and trust between you, start with a kind, warm welcome. Offer the respect of gaining their consent to talk about sexuality and gender issues. If they decline, show yourself to be present and available as they watch you interact with the rest of your household.

Show, don’t only tell.

Demonstrate your willingness to tackle tough topics and your openness to be a safe sounding board when they are ready. Your presence and availability create opportunities to talk with you, especially if you spend time enjoying each other’s company and building other connection points between you.

Consider other indirect signals of your openness, such as a Pride Flag on the wall or magnets on the fridge. Try welcoming friends from the LGBTQ+ community to dinner or talk positively about the stories and images in the media about these topics. The point is to demonstrate in many ways to this youth that you are not afraid to talk with them about anything and that they are safe with you.

Leave room for change.

Be aware of the fluidity of young people’s sexual development and identity formation, and learn to be okay with it. Yes, it might feel as if you cannot keep up. Yes, it might be confusing while you are still learning and trying to build a connection.

One great way to tackle it is to focus on how to parent the child right in front of you right now. Learn to meet them where they are, rather than where you think they should be, where they were last month, or who their parents may want them to be.

Believe what they tell you today, realizing it may change. And have compassion and empathy for how confusing or unpredictable it might feel to them!

Tip #3: Celebrate and affirm their whole identity. 

Do some internal reflection about all the parts and experiences that make you who you are and how you got there. Remember that none of us are only one thing. We humans come in all shapes, sizes, sexual orientations, and gender identities.

Celebrate the whole young person in front of you. Call out their strengths, whether their athleticism, creativity, musicality, or kindness. Acknowledge this young person’s efforts to grow and mature, and tell them about your hopes that they will keep trying and growing. These affirmations will help them develop a growth mindset and nurture their resilience. You will be helping them form a whole identity that is well-prepared for the next steps of their life, whether in your home or not.

Go beyond tolerance.

Young people who identify as LGBTQ+ need affirmation that they are accepted and celebrated for who they are right now. Again, it’s a matter of parenting the child in front of you – regardless of your comfort level or their exploration. For example, it’s okay to compliment nail polish, hairstyles, outfits they put together, and other acts of self-expression.

Be curious about the music they listen to or movies they mention. Signal your willingness to celebrate their LGBTQ+ identity by being a safe, open-minded listener if (or when!) they want to talk about friendships, dating, desires, or romantic relationships. It’s essential that they feel safe talking with you, being in your home, and sharing their life with you.

Find community.

This young person needs connection and community outside of your home, too. Do some research to find safe, affirming communities that welcome LGBTQ+ members. You could start by looking for a church or community-based group. You could also get recommendations from the guidance counselors at the local high school. They may already have connections with friends or family, but you should also consider what friends and family you know would be welcoming and inclusive.

The goal is to provide an overall nurturing and supportive environment where foster youth who identify as LGBTQ+ can develop a strong sense of self-worth and belonging. The protective factors of a community can buffer them against the added risk factors they experience as LGBTQ+ youth.

Additional Resources to Help You Learn

No matter your past experiences or views, with an openness and willingness to learn more and love all kids, you can be the safe landing place an LGBTQ+ foster youth needs to thrive. Here are additional resources to help you learn more.

For those just starting their self-education:

If you are a family of faith, especially Christian: 

For those looking for evidence-based training:

(and perhaps for child welfare agencies and other professionals)

CreatingaFamily.org additional resources:

Image Credits: cottonbro studio; Ron Lach; cottonbro studio