When most of us think of siblings, we picture the usual ups and downs—silly inside jokes, constant bickering, and maybe the occasional wrestling match over the TV remote. But sometimes conflict between siblings crosses a line. It stops being typical sibling rivalry and becomes something much more serious: repeated emotional or physical harm.

If you’ve ever felt your stomach drop because one of your kids hurt another in a way that felt scary or mean-spirited, you’re not alone. Sibling harm happens more often than people realize, especially in families touched by adoption, foster care, or trauma. And while it’s hard to face, the good news is there are ways to protect all your kids and help them heal.

Why Do Siblings Harm Each Other?

Sibling harm doesn’t just “come out of nowhere.” Many kids who hurt their siblings are carrying big, heavy feelings from earlier experiences. If your child has lived through loss, neglect, or trauma, lashing out can become their way of coping. It’s not about being “bad,” it’s about survival.

Some of our kids struggle to trust their adults to keep them safe, so they try to control everyone around them. Others lack the tools to manage overwhelming feelings, and these feelings often spill over onto their siblings. For kids who’ve been in foster or kinship care, harmful behaviors may have been ignored, or they even seemed normal, in their first homes. When they bring those patterns into your home, it can feel heartbreaking and overwhelming.

What Does Sibling Harm Look Like?

Harm between siblings can take many forms. Some of these may be obvious, but others may be more challenging to identify.

  • Emotional harm: calling names, putting each other down, embarrassing a sibling in front of others, or spreading rumors online.
  • Physical harm: hitting, kicking, pinching, spitting, breaking property, or any unwanted touch.
  • Controlling behaviors: threats, intimidation, or forcing a sibling to give in.
  • Sexual harm: crossing boundaries around privacy, inappropriate touching, or sexualized play.

What sets sibling harm apart from ordinary sibling rivalry is the pattern: one child repeatedly uses their power to frighten, humiliate, or hurt another.

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What are the Risks for the Child Who Is Harmed?

When kids are hurt by their siblings, the home no longer feels safe. They may:

  • Live in fear or feel powerless.
  • Struggle with low self-esteem and a sense of “not belonging.”
  • Develop anxiety, depression, or even physical health problems.
  • Carry long-lasting trust issues into friendships and relationships.

The pain is deeper than playground bullying because it happens inside the family, the very place that’s supposed to be safe.

What are the Risks for the Child Who Harms?

It’s easy to focus only on the child being hurt, but remember that the child harming is hurting too. Without support, they may:

  • Keep using aggression into adulthood.
  • Feel deep shame, low self-worth, and loneliness.
  • Struggle to connect in healthy ways with others.
  • Turn into bullies outside the home.

Both kids need help—one needs protection and healing, the other needs guidance and new tools.

What Strategies Can Parents and Caregivers Consider?

Here’s the part most of us really want to know: What on earth do I do about it? Implementing these practical strategies can protect your children and help them heal.

1. Make Safety the Rule of the House

Above all else, every child needs to feel safe. That might mean having separate bedrooms or designated safe spaces, keeping a closer eye on the kids when they’re together, or even scheduling downtime so they’re not in each other’s space all the time.

The family rule should be clear: Everyone must be safe here, and everyone has the right to speak up if they don’t feel safe.

2. Focus on Connection

Kids who feel seen and loved are less likely to lash out. Spend one-on-one time with each child as much as possible – such as taking them on rides to and from soccer, or taking turns bringing them on errands, etc. It’s not necessary to make a grand plan out of each event – grabbing a few moments alone with each kid each day can be easier than you think.

Let them know you see their strengths, and reflect to them that they matter. A simple “I love who you are” can go a long way.

3. Look for the Need Behind the Behavior

Aggression is often a cry for help. Instead of only asking, “How do I stop this?” try asking, “What is my child trying to tell me?” Remember that behavior is frequently an expression of a need or a lacking skill.

Sometimes their underlying message is, “I don’t know how to handle these big feelings, and I don’t trust anyone to help me.” That’s painful to identify, but it also opens the door to real change for both of you.

4. Stay Calm Yourself

Our kids take their cues from us. When we lose it, they spiral further. Instead, when we stay calm, even in the midst of chaos, we show them a sense of safety.

Some parents find it helpful to commit to non-escalation techniques, such as taking a deep breath, grounding themselves, and then intervening. It’s not easy, but it matters.

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5. Teach How to Make Things Right

When harm happens, punishment alone won’t teach repair. Instead, coach your kids through reconciliation:

  • Admit what happened.
  • Take responsibility without excuses.
  • Apologize sincerely.
  • The hurt sibling chooses whether they’re ready to accept.
  • Make it better with a small act of kindness.
  • Agree to leave the incident in the past.

These steps may feel awkward at first, but over time, your kids will learn empathy, responsibility, and healthier ways to repair relationships.

6. Use Conflict Resolution for Everyday Fights

Not every argument will include one-sided sibling harm. Sometimes, both kids are lashing out, as typical siblings often do. In those cases, when you know it is likely typical sibling rivalry, try walking them through conflict resolution:

  • Calm down first.
  • Share your side using “I feel…” statements.
  • Repeat back what you heard the other say.
  • Brainstorm solutions together.
  • Pick one and try it.

Handling everyday conflict between siblings in this manner can become a valuable practice for real-life problem-solving.

7. Build Up Their Strengths

Both kids, whether harmed or harming, need chances to feel good about themselves. Create opportunities for them to shine by encouraging hobbies, sports, unique skills, or creative outlets. Celebrate small wins. Call out great character traits when you see them.

When kids believe “I am good at this” or “I am worth liking,” it gives them a stronger foundation for healthier relationships.

Moving Toward Healing

Sibling harm is tough to face. It shakes the foundation of what you believe your family “should” feel like. It’s a serious dilemma for parents, caregivers, and the children. However, it doesn’t have to define your family’s story. Focusing on safety, connection, repair, and their unique strengths can help your children break harmful patterns and move toward healthier, more loving relationships.

Keep reminding both kids: “You matter. You belong. You are safe here.” That message, when reinforced by your presence and actions, can help shift the entire family dynamic.

And remember: you don’t have to do this alone. If things feel bigger than you can handle, reach out for help, whether that’s a trusted therapist, support group, or another parent who understands. Healing is possible for both the child who was hurt and the child who harmed.

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