Virtual twinning or raising two children close in age in a family built by birth and any combination of adoption, foster care, or kinship care garners lots of attention almost every time you leave the house. You get curious questions and comments like, “Boy, you’ve got your hands full, don’t you?” And that’s not all you face. Each child deserves to be celebrated as unique and cherished. Whether you are already raising virtual twins or considering the idea, think about how you can help them thrive as individuals in this new family dynamic.

10 Tips for Raising Virtual Twins

Also known as artificial twinning, raising virtual twins brings unique joys and challenges to your home. These tips will help you navigate this journey together.

1. Anticipate the questions.

Are you about to become what many in adoption circles call a “conspicuous family?” When folks notice your two kids, you will inevitably draw out the questions. Whatever version of “are they twins?” you face, you should decide in advance how to answer. If the children are old enough, include them in the decision. Consider having a few optional ready responses to fit a variety of scenarios. For example, answering a random stranger in the grocery store may be different than how you would answer a distant relative at the annual family reunion.

2. Shine a spotlight on the uniqueness of each child.

We get it. It’s tempting to batch it when planning activities and managing a full calendar. However, it’s crucial to nurture each of these kids as the unique individuals they are. It will take extra time and attention with more than one to focus on, but they need you to help them find what makes them shine and then facilitate that niche. Just because one excels at soccer doesn’t mean the other should join, too. Yes, it’s better for your calendar and the gas tank, but at what cost?

3. Prioritize one-on-one time.

Again, we know how busy families are today. School, work, therapy, lessons, clubs, and more all demand a spot on the calendar. Each kid in this “virtual twin” arrangement deserves time alone with you. You may need to set an appointment on the family calendar, like you do with the dentist. As much as you can, make it a priority for both parents to establish a special separate relationship with each child.

4. Ban the comparisons.

It’s easy to compare these kids when they are in the same developmental age or stage. Guard against that temptation to the best of your ability. Additionally, before you welcome the child(ren) home, talk honestly with extended family, friends, and teachers about some of the downsides of these inevitable comparisons. Enlist their help to support each child’s uniqueness and avoid comparisons.

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5. Let them express their styles.

Yes, it can be adorable. But matching outfits for kids who are not biological twins can be extremely uncomfortable for them. Remember how you felt when your mother dressed you and your sister in matching dresses every holiday? Consider how this might feel to kids who don’t share that same connection and history.

This also applies to taste in music, favorite television shows, and other personal preferences. These children come to our homes with their own style—even if it’s yet undeveloped. Your goal should be to help them find what feels suitable for expressing themselves (within safe and appropriate limits).

6. They are not a package deal.

It might sound picky, but try to avoid referring to them as a unit regularly (the boys, the kids, and certainly not the twins). Try to use their names when talking to and about them as frequently as possible. Calling out their individuality gives them agency and reinforces that you honor their uniqueness.

7. Celebrate birthdays separately.

No matter how close the dates may be, it’s beneficial to each child when you can celebrate them separately. Setting aside time to honor them with their own event – no matter how big your family does it up – communicates their worth and inherent value.

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8. Allow space in academics.

Allow each child to progress at school as their needs and abilities develop. Don’t retain one of them to keep them separated by grade if moving up is best for that child. However, if one of the kids is teetering on the district cut-off date and might benefit from an additional year at home or in pre-school, consider if it makes sense for this child. When raising virtual twins in the higher levels of school, talk to the administrators to be sure they are in different classes.

9. Streamline your life.

It’s a delicate dance when adding a new child to your home. Adding a child close in age to another child already established in the home adds many layers for everyone. As much as you can manage, consider cutting out the extras for this transition time. For some families, that might look like one parent staying (or working from) home for the first year. For others, that may mean a hiatus from volunteer work, book clubs, or some extracurriculars. The goal is to focus the time you gain toward intentionally building attachment and setting a healthy foundation for moving forward in this new family rhythm.

10. Practical preparations.

You can set yourself and your kids up for a successful transition when welcoming home another child with a few practical preparations. Here are a few ideas:

  • Save money to hire extra household help.
  • Batch cook freezer meals for busy or challenging days.
  • Gather a list of trusted help for childcare, laundry, yard work, etc.
  • Line up safe adults who can provide a break for your other kids.
  • Ask a friend to plan meals for the first month the new child is home.
  • Talk to the teachers of your resident kids to arrange for lighter homework loads in the first month or two.

There are plenty of other ways to prepare well. Use these ideas to get your creative juices flowing for what your family may need and how to get it. And remember, taking time off work to welcome the new child(ren) home is not the time to tack on a house project or take charge of planning that annual family reunion.  

Keep Your Goals in Mind

The changes ahead can be joyful and exciting but overwhelming and exhausting. Set your expectations lower for what you hope to accomplish. Your primary goals are settling the new kid(s) into their new home and working out a new family dynamic that brings healing and joy for all. As your virtual twins grow into their new sibling relationships, you may also get the added privilege of supporting them for what might turn out to be their longest-lasting friendships!

Image Credits: Tima Miroshnichenko; Mary Taylor; Kamaji Ogino