When you are preparing to adopt an infant here in the US, you hear about open vs. closed adoption, openness in adoption, and all the success – and horror – stories that folks want to share when they hear your plans to be open. Open adoption – in some form or variation, has become the accepted norm in most domestic infant adoption situations. Some estimates say approximately 95% of infant adoptions are “open.”

Simple Wisdom for a Complicated Relationship

Given that open adoption often includes several adults with strong opinions and preferences, it has the potential to be messy. But it doesn’t have to be if you are willing to apply this “simple” tip.

We humans tend to prefer things to be simple, straightforward, and uncomplicated. We like guiding principles that get to the essence of the issue. Unfortunately, open adoption is anything but simple. It’s hard to imagine a personal relationship that is more complex and fraught with potential complications. However, the more complicated the situation, the more we humans crave simplicity. We know we cannot be alone in this, so we’re offering our top tip for making your open adoption relationship work.

Here’s our disclaimer! We get it: it’s almost an unbelievable level of hubris to try and take any credit for this tip. We understand that every great adoption educator, therapist, and social worker reading this article is likely saying, “Hey, wait, I say this to my clients every day.” Well, yes. As with all age-old wisdom, no one owns it. However, age-old wisdom stays around and repeats for years and years for a reason. We’ve been offering this advice in our podcasts, articles, and online support community for years and years because it’s true!

What Makes a Successful Open Adoption

It will help to start with a basic agreement on what makes an adoption open and thriving. As we discussed in our recent podcast, What You Need to Know About Open Adoption, openness means different things to each member of the adoption constellation. However, at its most basic definition, open adoption means communication and often contact between the adoptive family and the birth family.

One characteristic that successful open adoptions have in common is the right attitude about how, when, and what that communication or contact looks like. The three guests on our recent podcast did an excellent job sharing their unique experiences and perspectives on how birth mothers, adoptive parents, and adoptees can learn and grow together into an open adoption plan that fits your situation. You will appreciate their wisdom when you read their book, Adoption Unfiltered*.

Free Guide, Let’s Talk About Adoption

We Call it the “Slightly Annoying Grandma Rule.”

With all that foundation laid for you, we present our #1 Secret Tip for Navigating Open Adoption!

As you will invariably encounter challenging situations while navigating relationships with your child’s birth family, we suggest you picture your slightly annoying but dear old grandma in place of the birth family member. Now think: How would you handle your dear sweet Granny? (Or Great Aunt Ethel or Dear old Uncle Earl – you can substitute any family relation that fits your family’s dynamics here.)

You are this child’s parent and can decide what will happen in this scenario. However, you also love Grandma, even when her advice is annoyingly outdated, and she peppers you with unsolicited advice or “in my day” tales of parenting. Your goal should be to address these issues in a way that allows Grandma to feel respected and loved. At the same time, you want to signal to her that you would appreciate her respect for your way of doing things. You want to preserve her dignity, work toward resolving this challenging interaction, and avoid lasting damage to your relationship. To accomplish this, focus your responses and actions on increasing the odds of compliance and decreasing the odds of hurting feelings.

Now, substitute “birthmother,” “birthfather,” or any other birth family member for “Grandma,” and you’ve got the basics of the “Slightly Annoying Grandma Rule.”

Sticky Situation #1: Social Media Snafus

Your child’s birth dad posts information, including pictures, of your child on their social media, despite your family’s previously stated policy of “no pictures and limited info” for your minor children.

The “Slightly Annoying Grandma Rule” in Action

Your “Slightly Annoying Grandma” is proud of her social media savvy and loves sharing inspirational memes, corny dad jokes, and talking dog videos. However, she also posts occasional stories about your little one, with pictures. After your initial flash of annoyance, consider your next steps.

  • Did she share personal, detailed information? Did she use names, addresses, or identifying locations?
  • Did she intentionally post because she disagrees with your rule? Or was it an absent-minded moment of sharing her affection and excitement?

Only you can answer these questions but try to balance your irritation with her intent. In short, only you can decide if addressing her is a big deal and worth the hassle.

If You Do Decide to Address It

If you (and your partner) decide this is worth addressing, you should consider then how to have the conversation in person and how to help your child’s birth dad save face. You can lead with an assurance that you know he wants the best for your child. State your concerns about social media and the risks for minors of that type of exposure. Keep the child’s best interests at the core of the conversation and assume that he is as invested as you are in protecting your child. Ask him to cooperate with your social media policy moving forward because this is what you and your partner have decided is best for this child you all love.

Sticky Situation #2: What’s in a Name?

This dilemma is from a real-life question we tackled in our online community several years ago. The birth mother named this child before the adoption placement. Although she agreed that Baby could be renamed after finalization, she continues calling this child by the name she chose at birth during visits and phone calls.

The “Slightly Annoying Grandma Rule” in Action

Put your “Slightly Annoying Grandma” in place of the birth mom. She has her own pet name for your child. You want to assume that she views it as a nickname, but you suspect it might be a jibe at you for not sticking with the name she gave the baby. It’s a decent name, but it does not hold meaning for you or your family.

Walk through the mental balancing act:

  • How often do you see dear old Grandma?
  • Is she trying to get under your skin or punish you for not choosing their family name?
  • Does she view it more as a nickname or how she thinks of the child?
  • Is this a means of comforting herself and holding your child close to her heart?
  • Does this name bother or confuse your kid, or is it just you?

If You Do Decide to Address It

Once you’ve done your mental balancing, you and your partner decide it’s worth acting. So now you need to figure out how to talk with your child’s birth mother. How can you gain her compliance without hurting her feelings or shutting her down?

It will be wise not to talk with her in the heat of the moment or at an event where others – including your child – are present. Instead, schedule a phone call or visit over coffee. Start by offering the benefit of the doubt – you know she means no harm and still feels quite attached to that name. Share your concerns in terms of the child’s best interests. You could talk about consistency, trust, or safety between the child and all their adults. Depending upon the relationship you share, you could also ask her if she wishes you had used the name and offer to explain why you chose the name you did.

Understanding the Child Welfare Experience from the Birth Parent’s Perspective

What If the Birth Parents Don’t Comply?

We hear from adoptive parents who are frustrated when they try to apply the “Slightly Annoying Grandma Rule,” and still, the birth parents will not abide by your requests. Ultimately, you have to remember that you are this child’s parents, and you get to decide what is in your child’s best interest.

If the birth parent’s disrespect or disregard of your wishes is profound enough, you get to choose the degree and type of openness moving forward. However, altering the degree of openness should not be a step you take quickly for this “Slightly Annoying Grandma.” Weigh your decisions to change openness carefully and characterize them as temporary, with room for change in the future. You must allow for the possibility of growth and changes in behavior and emotions in all members of this adoption relationship. In the best interest of this child’s long-term well-being, it’s a minor consideration for a potentially “Slightly Annoying Grandma” or your child’s birth family.

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Image Credits: Eren Li; Thirdman; Anastasia  Shuraeva