You’ve made the decision to create your family by adoption. You (and your partner if you have one) are excited about the adventure you are about to embark upon. It’s only natural to want, and even need, to feel that those closest to you will be excited with you. However, it’s common to also dread telling your parents about your plans. You wonder how they will feel about your adoption plans. Grandparent responses are often equally divided between thrilled, confused, and opposed. How do you get grandparents on board with your adoption plans?

Why Would Grandparents Be Reluctant in Their Support?

It’s disappointing and frustrating when your parents don’t share your excitement over your adoption plans. You are excited – rightfully so. And you want them to be excited with you – also rightfully. However, pause and consider what is driving their concern or opposition. Understanding what is underneath their resistance might help you address their concerns so that you can talk through them together.

1. Parents Worry About Their Kids.

If you can momentarily put yourself in their shoes, remember you are their child. Their child is now considering a huge life choice that significantly impacts the whole family. They might have heard horror stories, sensationalized media coverage, or dismal prognoses about international adoption, foster kids, or babies affected by prenatal exposure. When they consider their child taking on these weighty challenges, it’s natural they may worry for their child.

No matter how old you are or how much life experience and education you have, you are still your parents’ precious child.

2. Grandparents May Not Understand Adoption.

Sometimes, being immersed in a new venture can make you forget that others around you are not in the same flood of learning you are. All this education and planning is your new normal, but it’s not likely theirs, too. Try to step back to your earliest days of considering adoption. Think about what you didn’t know.

Now, apply that consideration to your parents and add to it the layers of misinformation and lack of transparency that their generation and their parent’s generation had about adoption, orphans, the foster system, attachment, and more. Do you get the picture? Your parents might not be on board because they don’t understand what you understand about adoption.

The “science” of adoption, trauma, attachment, and racial or cultural differences has come a long way since your parents were in the family-building season of their lives. Even if they also adopted or fostered, their ideas and understanding of the issues surrounding adoption are likely different than the preparations you are making now.

What Are Grandparents’ Concerns?

We’ve heard from many hopeful parents about their parents’ reactions and responses in our online community. Here are a few you might experience if you have not told your parents your plans.

“I couldn’t wait to tell my parents. We wanted to think and talk about adoption between ourselves first, but when we were ready to move forward we couldn’t wait to tell our parents, especially my parents. I was pretty let down when their first response was to say that they didn’t think it was a good idea.”

“I didn’t expect much from my in-laws. We knew they were going to not like the idea and would think we were being irresponsible. But when they met our expectations, I was still angry.”

Your parents might be pretty straightforward and eloquent about their concerns. They may also be quiet (even silent) or less-than-direct. And indeed, they may express their concerns in several ways between the two extremes. While it’s tempting to get caught up with how they say what they are thinking, it’s crucial to listen to what they are saying and, again, consider what might be driving the concerns.

These FREE COURSES can help grandparents learn about adoption!

The Two Most Common Concerns

While grandparents may object to your adoption plans under any circumstances, there are two situations that we hear about most often.

1. Transracial adoption.

Depending upon your parents’ ages and life experiences, you can reasonably understand why those types of adoption might cause concern. Indeed, we live in times where issues of race, ethnicity, and cultural differences can be pretty divisive. Your parents may be concerned about the added layers of responsibility and awareness that transracial adoption would bring to your life.

2. Adopting when there are already children in the home.

This is also a natural area of concern for grandparents. The children already in your home are known entities. They already love them and want the best for them. Bringing in an unknown child feels worrisome. They may feel protective over their grandchildren and are concerned about the changes these children will face when adding a new sibling to the mix.

Getting Grandparents on Board with Your Adoption Plans

Once you’ve worked through your parents’ reactions to your plans to adopt, it will help you to plan for how you will address their reluctance. While there are no guaranteed solutions to this dilemma, these practical tips might help.

1. Control Your Expectations.

As prospective parents and the decision-makers for your family, remind yourself that you have thought long and hard about this plan, including the type of adoption (open, transracial, international, infant, etc.). You are educating yourselves and preparing your resident children. The grandparents likely have not had the luxury of your extensive preparations. You cannot expect them to share your excitement upon hearing your news.

Try to set your expectations of these grandparents (or other significant family members, for that matter) reasonably. Give them permission in your mind to grapple with their own fears and reservations. You probably had them at the beginning as well. Regardless of their initial reaction, hold fast to your commitment to that permission. Talk candidly with your partner or a close friend about your expectations and ask them to help you hold firm while your parents work through their reluctance.

2. Share Your Process

When you feel confident about your path forward, talk with your parents about the adoption process. Bring them into your experience and share your plans. You can start by explaining why you want to adopt. Help them understand the different types of adoption you considered and why you chose your path. Talk about what you are learning and try to answer questions without defensiveness.

Arming them with information can go a long way toward helping them grapple with their fears for your family. However, be clear when you speak with them that you are not asking for their permission. Instead, you choose to share your decision and process with them because you love them, and they are essential to your family.

3. Explain the Impacts of Trauma

You are already learning that adopting a child impacted by trauma requires a different level of intentionality and preparation. Explain to the grandparents what you are learning about the impacts of trauma, neglect, or prenatal exposure on a child’s development. Help them understand the preparations you are making to meet the needs of the child you will adopt, such as joining a multi-cultural faith community or building relationships with other adoptive families.

Prepare them that you will very likely parent this child differently than how they parented you. Sometimes, grandparents may need the assurance that this difference is not a reflection on them. Instead, you are choosing to parent in ways that meet this child’s specific needs and lead them toward healing from early life trauma.

If they are willing to learn with you, that’s fantastic. We frequently recommend the following resources to help grandparents or other extended family learn more about preparing for adoption. Many more can be found by following the links within each resource and searching the resource pages on our adoption landing page.

4. Set Expectations for Their Relationship with Your Child

Once your child is home, watch how your parents treat their new grandchild. We do not recommend you go into each interaction defensively looking for unfairness. However, you must enter this new dynamic with your eyes wide open. It may take time for everyone to adapt to the new normal, but please don’t let slights or unequal treatment stand.

If you do observe a problem with how the grandparents treat your newly adopted child, set a time to talk it over with them without the children present. Approach the conversation gently and frame it with your observations, not accusations.

Strengthening and Supporting Your Transracial Adoptee, a FREE guide

For example,

“From the outside looking in, it appears that you are favoring (the biological grandchild) over (the newly adopted grandchild). I am concerned about the effect this is having on both children.”

Please leave space for their feelings about your observations and discuss them together. It will help if you assume the best about them: that they are likely unaware of this dynamic and want to fix it. If they prove otherwise, you will know it’s time to handle it differently.

Try not to make demands for equality. After all, they don’t know this new child as well as their other grandkids. However, you should expect them to interact fairly with your new child while they are getting to know each other.

For example,

“You are (the new adopted child’s) grandparent and you owe it to them to show interest in them, even if you don’t know them well yet. You should be asking about their activities, school, friend groups, etc. just as you do with (the resident child). If you need help finding connection points with (this new grandchild), I’m happy to give you some ideas.”

5. Make Peace with What You Can Control.

You are an adult, making decisions for (and with) your family. It’s normal to want your parents to accept and approve of your decision and enjoy being an active part of your family. However, recognize that you ultimately have no control over how they respond.

Early in the process, it might help to subtly (or not so subtly) let your parents know that you are not seeking their permission or even their approval for your adoption plans. It is equally important to let them know that you value their participation in your family. The only thing you ultimately have control over is your responses and what your children will be exposed to. Make peace with your plans and choose to release control over the rest.

Ease the Way from Reluctant to All In

When you employ understanding, compassion, and open communication, you can help reluctant grandparents come on board with you to welcome your adopted child. Invite them into your process and help them prepare, too. You will ease their minds and assure them that you (their child) will be okay, which is what most parents want for their kids. Most of the time, once these reluctant grandparents are prepared for your adoption plans, they can find their way to being “all in!” with the joy of this new grandchild to love.

Image Credits: Teona Swift; Marcus Aurelius; cottonbro studio;  Tima Miroshnichenko

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