Everywhere you turn, the media is streaming stories of fear and violence. We hear daily reports of political division, war, gun violence, and dire predictions of climate change. It’s a scary world for both children and adults. Many parents and caregivers struggle to distinguish between what feels scary and what, for sure, is scary. How can we help our kids learn to cope with anxiety or fear when the world feels scary?

Helping Kids Cope in Healthy Ways

The current research tells us that our kids are struggling. Honestly, many parents and caregivers feel the challenges as well. We cannot stress enough the importance of getting help for yourself if you find it challenging to navigate your daily life because of fear and anxiety. You deserve the best tools and support you can find.

Supporting children impacted by adoption, foster care, or relative caregiving can be consuming and leave you feeling as if you have no time for this type of vital self-care. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Your children and loved ones need you. Caring for your mental and emotional health is foundational to teaching others in your care how to manage their mental health.

These tips can help you teach your children how to calm anxiety and fear and learn to cope when the world feels scary.

1. Learn the art of watchful waiting.

Make watchful waiting your habit. Know your child’s baseline and track changes in their everyday behaviors. Be on the lookout for the common changes, including sleep patterns, appetite, and socialization, that can occur when a child experiences trauma. Look for ways to create a safe space for your child to talk about how they feel about potentially traumatic events. Sometimes, they will have an immediate reaction. Other times, you might feel caught off guard trying to recall what makes your child fearful now.

When you become aware of a traumatic event in your child’s life, whether it happened to them or they were witnesses to it, offer them extra care and nurture, even before they ask for it. Be extra observant, and remember that they may already be asking for it in perhaps subtle ways. Behavior is communication, so if their behavior changes, investigate that.

Providing extra comfort and nurturing for your fearful child may mean temporarily easing boundaries and rules. For example, many kids, at one point or another, seek comfort by sleeping with their parents. Consider a compromise where you all still get a good night’s sleep, and the child feels safe and protected while they work through their anxiety. Try an air mattress on the floor next to your bed. Or you could move that air mattress to their room and sleep by their side until they feel sure they can sleep alone again.

2. Limit your child’s media consumption.

Like many Americans, I have distinct memories of 9/11. My boys were at school, and my baby girl and I were getting haircuts. When my husband came home early from work, we put the baby down for her nap and sent the boys outside to play while we digested the unfolding events. At dinner, we talked to the boys briefly and as age-appropriately as we could muster. However, by the end of that day, we realized that we should have turned the news off earlier. They heard too much for their young 5- and 7-year-old hearts and minds. None of us slept much that night. For the rest of that week, we severely limited our news intake to when all three kids played outside or slept.

Limiting media consumption, even for those young ages, is even more complicated now. The prevalence of personal devices for all ages, increased access to the internet, and the addition of social media all mean that the world is at our fingertips all too easily. Our example of media consumption speaks louder to our kids than any training on digital citizenship they may get at school. The TV, radio, or a podcast playing even in the background affects our kids. Remember, “little eyes are always watching, little ears are always listening.”  

5 Rules of Thumb for Your Family’s Digital Health

3. Nurture your child’s resiliency.

The single most significant factor that protects our kids from the ongoing impacts of trauma is a loving, attuned adult who cares. You’re committed to this child’s thriving, and that’s a fantastic start. However, you should also know that intentionally building resiliency is another crucial protective factor. You can model healthy coping skills when anxiety or fear strikes to show your child that it is possible to overcome traumatic events and navigate in a scary world.

Let your child see you feeling anxious, but also let them see you choose healthy coping skills. Consider integrating various coping tools, like exercise, talking with a trusted friend or family member, and routine self-care, so they can see how different methods work to calm you.

Another way to nurture your child’s resiliency is by helping them feel competent. Figure out what makes them feel alive or energized. Create opportunities for them to shine! Please encourage them to try new things and find things they are good at and enjoy. You will be helping them learn life skills and how to achieve mastery in new experiences, which will give them a sense of control and self-confidence. Praise them when they do hard or new things, and bring it up later as glowing examples of their abilities and resilience.

4. Cope ahead of the scary events.

It’s common for our kids to encounter events or relationships that we know will trigger their anxiety or make them feel dread and fear in anticipation. Plan for and with them when those situations arise to address the fear.

For example, if your child is anxious about flying to Grandma’s, talk about the steps to preparing for the flight, boarding, and taking off. Break down the process with them to help identify what feels most scary. Brainstorm together what might help them feel less anxious. Is it a favorite toy, snack, or a distracting game loaded onto their tablet? Could they bring earbuds that block out the noisy engine when taking off? Talk about their feelings in advance. Create a plan together – like a silent hand signal or code word – for how they can let you know that they are struggling and what you will do to comfort them.

Some families find it helpful to role-play or have a cache of rehearsed scripts to manage the anxiety around social situations, new environments, or scary appointments. These memorized scripts can also be helpful when your child feels anxious about answering others’ questions about their race, family makeup, or other personal information.

5. Know when and where to get help.

Most of our kids have come to us with several adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) already in their memory banks. You may have already engaged in helping them heal and find a new baseline for their daily life. However, as you navigate this often-scary world together, they will encounter other situations that may be “trauma triggers.” Suppose your child gets stuck and has ongoing symptoms of trauma (such as changes in sleep, appetite, avoiding school, or self-isolating). In that case, it may be time to get help.

In the CreatingaFamily.org podcast with Dr. Melissa Goldberg Mintz, she mentioned that the gold-standard therapy approach for children who have experienced trauma is Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT). Another helpful therapeutic approach is Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). Parents should expect to be involved in the therapy appointments using both approaches. We’ve listed both sites on our Therapy Resources for Adoptive, Foster, and Kinship Families page, including their search tools to find providers.

You can also ask your child’s pediatrician, caseworkers, agency, or the school district’s social workers or counselors for recommendations for local therapists or counselors.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma, a FREE guide

6. Continue to educate yourself.

In addition to seeking therapeutic support, consider some of these resources to keep learning about the care and support your children may need as they grow:

Don’t Underestimate the Power of Being Present!

The world will always hold scary things we must navigate. Your presence with and for your child gives them a safe space to learn how to cope with the hard stuff they encounter. You are their most significant protective factor in figuring out what works for them to cope with fear, anxiety, and the impacts of any trauma they might experience.

Image Credits: Ahmed akacha; Inzmam Khan; Vlada Karpovich