Starting a new school year can feel exciting for our kids. Fresh new pencils, reuniting with friends, and a clean slate speak of opportunity and potential. However, for many of our children impacted by trauma, prenatal substance exposure, and other losses, a new school year can also trigger anxiety and fear. The unknown of new classroom dynamics, changing routines and expectations, and the history of their learning challenges can create a storm of jitters and stress in our kids’ hearts and minds.

What Are the Signs that My Child is Anxious About School?

In many cases, your child’s jitters about the new school year will look like the other signs of anxiety or stress they feel about other new or different experiences. Remember that behavior is a communication of a need. Keeping an eye on these types of behaviors can clue you into their anxiety about a new school year:

  • Changes in sleep patterns – too little, too much, interrupted sleep
  • Changes in eating habits – too little, too much, disinterest, eating to cope
  • Increased clinginess or difficulty separating
  • Increased questions about what you do when you are apart, who is in charge, etc.
  • Onset of headaches, stomach issues, or upset
  • Increased irritability, seeking alone time, excessive withdrawal
  • Difficulty focusing – too much or too little, trouble thinking clearly, disinterest

When raising a child impacted by adoption, foster care, or relative caregiving, some of these symptoms may feel like your child’s baseline. However, when you observe and note new or increasing behavior changes, you can assess whether this child is struggling – or struggling more than usual.

How Can I Ease My Child’s Back-to-School Anxiety?

1. Start with a Self-Assessment

As a parent, you play a crucial role in setting the tone for your child’s return to school. Before you craft a plan to ease their jitters, take a moment to assess your own state of mind. Are you feeling stressed about how this year’s teacher will manage your child’s behaviors? Are you uncertain about your child’s ability to keep up with the expectations of this new grade level? Will this year’s team welcome your input and participation in your child’s classroom experience? These are valid concerns, and acknowledging them is the first step towards managing them.

Ask yourself these questions and answer honestly. Consider how to manage your stressors at the start of the school year. Can you write a letter to the teacher to open a dialogue and lay a foundation for partnership? Can you re-read the IEP and assure yourself of the plans to support your child’s needs? Do you have a friend, therapist, or counselor to talk with about these worries?

2. Toss the Conversational Ball in Their Court

It’s important to create a safe space for your child to express their worries about the new school year. Instead of asking direct questions, which can be triggering for a child who is already struggling, try making an observation or expressing curiosity. This approach invites your child to respond when they feel ready, fostering a sense of understanding and connection.

An example for your older kids

“I noticed this morning that you answered your brother rudely when he asked you riding the bus to the high school. I wonder if you might be feeling stressed about the new bus or starting high school. I’d love to talk more about it when you are ready.”

An example with younger kids

“Hey bud. Mom heard you shouting at your sister when she said that Kindergartners and first graders always sit in the front of the bus. I wonder if maybe you are feeling nervous about not sitting with her when you start Kindergarten? If you want to talk about what it’s like to ride the bus, I’m happy to do that. We can even practice it here at home if you like.”

Helping Your Kids Cope When the World Feels Scary

3. Listen To and Validate What They Share

Listening to what they say is crucial when our kids respond to the conversational ball we toss. Often, depending on our kids’ verbal skills, we must dig a little bit to unearth what they mean and what they are trying to say. Listening to the words they use, the tones with which they speak, and what they are not saying may need to be spread out over several conversations. Validate the feelings they express, even if you don’t understand where they are coming from or agree with their reasoning. These feelings are real to them in this moment and they will feel safe with you when they feel seen and heard.

An example with younger kids

“I hear your worries about making new friends in 3rd grade. It’s really hard not knowing who will sit next to you, isn’t it? It probably feels scary after you spent the end of 2nd grade sitting with a desk partner who was so mean to you. I’m so sorry that happened – it was a terrible way to end your time in Miss Jones’ class.”

An example for older kids

“I hear you saying that learning your way around the new high school feels stressful and scary. I wonder if you might also be worried about showing up late to class and what the teachers might think about you being late. Do you worry being late might be a sign to teachers that you don’t care about school or won’t be a good student?”

Look for signs that they need a break

Be careful to listen for signs that your child needs a break from the conversation. Acknowledge that the topics you discuss together are tough and that your child’s feelings matter to you. Then, suggest a subject change or an activity you know helps regulate them. However, be sure to follow up later when you know your child is calm and open to talking more.

Many parents find the bedtime routine an excellent time to return to the conversation. You can scratch their back while they talk or lay together in the dark discussing their struggles. Other parents, particularly those raising tweens and teens, find car time an excellent space for in-depth or emotionally charged conversations.

4. Try a Practice Run

Many kids will benefit from role-playing experiences they worry about. If you sense that your child can handle it, try to make these practice runs fun, with over-the-top silly expressions or exaggerated scenarios that border on the ridiculous. However, some kids cannot tolerate that level of silliness and may feel as if you are mocking them or making light of their anxiety. Gage your child’s ability to engage in practicing the skills needed to navigate the events that worry them.

Another form of practice runs is identifying the events that worry your child and then walking through them step-by-step. By practicing together, you can reduce the worry around unknowns like bus routes, new buildings, walking to school, and handling locker combinations. Some school administrators may even be open to a private tour for kids who struggle with transitions and new environments.

Act out the scenarios while talking through them with your younger children:

“Let’s practice finding your classroom and greeting Miss Jones at the start of the day. First, you will get off the bus and walk into the lobby. Look for the signs on the walls that point to the third-grade stairs. Walk up the stairs and turn left into the hallway. Count four doors and enter that 4th door. Say ‘Hello Miss Jones!’ and go to your cubby. Take out your lunchbox and binder. Hang up your backpack and put the lunchbox on the cart by the door. Sit down at your desk and take a few deep breaths to settle your brain. Then start your bell work.”

Act out the scenarios while talking through them with your teen:

“When the bell rings, gather up the notebook and pens you were using in class and put them into your backpack. Zip up the backpack and look around you to be sure you aren’t leaving anything behind. Remind yourself whether you turn left or right in the hallway and walk out the door with your backpack on your shoulder. Don’t run in the hallway but keep your eyes up and walk quickly to your next class. When you arrive, find your seat and get out the notebook you need for this class. Take a couple deep breaths to help you calm down and focus.”

5. Loop the Teacher in On Your Child’s Anxiety

Whether it’s in your Dear Teacher letter or a quick meeting before the start of the school year, getting the teacher or guidance counselor up to speed with your child’s worries is useful. Even if you are confident that these jitters will subside once they settle into the new routine, these adults will benefit from hearing the root of the fear and what you are doing to help your child cope. Invite them to practice similar support in the classroom and explain that when all the adults around your child respond the same way, it makes your child feel safe and able to trust.

For tweens or teens, gaining their permission before contacting the school is helpful. Doing so can build trust between you and can help your young person feel that you are taking their anxiety seriously. Connecting with all their teachers can be significantly more challenging at the middle or high school level. You could start with the guidance counselor to gain traction in developing a plan to support this student.

Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma, a FREE guide

Easing Those Back-to-School Jitters

When your child is anxious and stressed about returning to school, try to look at it as an opportunity to increase their sense of safety. You can model healthy stress management skills while equipping your child to find the tools that work for them. Every child will benefit from learning new tools that help them cope with life’s stressful events. Easing their back-to-school jitters can be another building block of trust and connection in your relationship as you equip them to grow.

Image Credits: Skyler Ewing; Andres Ayrton; Yan Krukau