Show me a parent who has not dealt with a child that lies, cheats, or steals, and I’ll show you a parent who is either too busy to notice these behaviors or too proud to admit it. All kids at some point tell a lie, and most have on more than one occasion taken something that didn’t belong to them or moved eight spaces on the game board when the die clearly showed six. I know that I did as a kid and I know my own children have done the same.
One of our guests on this week’s Creating a Family Radio Show, Kim John Payne, a family counselor for 30 years and author of The Soul of Discipline: The Simplicity Parenting Approach to Warm, Firm, and Calm Guidance- From Toddlers to Teens, pointed out the annoying behaviors of lying, stealing and cheating tend to peak on what he called “cusp years”—ages where children are at developmental thresholds approaching the next level.
- ages 6-7-on the cusp of childhood
- ages 9-10- on the cusp of adolescence
- ages 14-15-on the cusp of adulthood
Just because it’s common and even developmentally appropriate, doesn’t mean that we should ignore these behaviors. It is, in fact, our job as parents to help our kiddos develop a moral compass. Fortunately, both of our guests on this week’s Creating a Family show (Kim Payne and Rebecca Rozema, an adoption social worker with Bethany Christian Services and their National ADOPTS Program Director, were full of great suggestions.
8 Tips for Disciplining Lying, Cheating and Stealing
- Clearly state that the behavior is not acceptable. “We do not steal in our family!”
- Affirm your child’s worth. Distinguish between the act and the person—she told a lie, but she is not a liar. “I know that you usually tell the truth.”
- Discover what motivated the behavior. Usually the lie or the stealing is not the whole story. Did she lie about her homework because she is overwhelmed by the Core Knowledge Math? Did she steal her brothers phone because he ignored her?
- Give a do-over or way to make it up to the person harmed.
- Don’t give your child the opportunity to lie. This is not always an option, but if you know that your child usually has math homework on Monday’s, don’t ask him when he gets home if he has homework. Rather, ask him to show you his assignment. If you know that she broke the cookie jar, ask her to get the broom to clean it up rather than asking if she was the one who broke it.
- Give your child time to tell the truth. Many children need time to process their options and think through the consequences of telling a lie vs. telling the truth. Some kids if rushed, will automatically take the path of least resistance and tell a lie. Tell your child to take their time before answering, and if they need to say something while they are thinking to say “I’m not sure.”
- Reward good behavior. When our kids are going through a lying phase, it is easy for this behavior to become our focus. Look for opportunities where your child told the truth and specifically acknowledge that he made the hard choice to be honest.
- Read book and tell stories that include character facing hard decisions about lying, stealing, or cheating. Tell stories from you own life when you made a mistake. Include bedtime books such as:
- Ricky Sticky Fingers by Julia Cook-ages 5-10
- Lying up a Storm by Julia Cook- ages 5-10
- Healing Stories for Challenging Behaviour by Susan Perow – ages 4-10 (helps parents become story tellers)
- A Spoonful Of Stories: An A – Z Collection of Behavior Tales for Children (Book 1 & 2) by Susan Perow-ages 4-10 (tales already written)
Listen to this terrific discussion with Kim Payne and Rebecca Rozema for ever more practical suggestions.
What has worked for you when teaching your children to not lie, steal, or cheat?
Image credit: Marco Nedermeijer, Giorgia Pallaro, Poppy
I have tried most of these steps and no help. You talk about trauma and such what about when the child hasn’t experienced any of that, no drugs substance abuse ir trauma and does nothing but steals and lies.its to the point of bed checks every single day and finding our stuff in there. She is 10 was removed from her therapist because she was manipulating her. She sees a psychiatrist every 2 weeks. what do you do then?
This is so hard. We are sorry – it’s painful for you and we get it.
However, we suggest you keep trying to find a therapist who is a better fit. If this child is adopted, look specifically for one who has adoption competence. And please consider getting a counselor or therapist for yourself to give you a safe space to handle this difficult season. You deserve safe care that will equip you with support and tools too.
Try this resource: Therapy Resources We also offer an online community for support and people who get it.
We wish you the best.
I’m a step parent who is going to adopt them bio mom is my wife
I let my kids know that when there’s nothing wrong but they call me from what I’m doing saying there’s an emergency, or takes consumes or breaks something they don’t have permission to touch, it costs our family more time and money than we can afford, and that means we all suffer including whoever lied or stole.
I can see how that method might be impactful for a kid who has developed a sense of cause and effect, time management or understanding ranges or values of input to outcome. However, many of our kids impacted by trauma, prenatal substance exposure to drugs and alcohol, or neurodiversity would really struggle to make those connections.
My son is 13&half.sterted lying and stealing seriously from family.he is ADD and very impulsive behaviours.How do we dissipline them what is the correct way,not to do harm and to worsen the problem the Family has told him what f*** up he is.Do I take all his sport away? I have already taken cell phone..X box and hobby of RC planes on hold
Hi Adel,
Thanks for reaching out and sharing your struggles. It is indeed VERY hard when our kids are behaving in these ways. It’s helpful to step back and think about what is driving his behaviors. Many of these behaviors are common to kids with ADHD or who had exposure to drugs and alcohol during pregnancy. These 2 resources can help you understand what’s going on and how to help him learn new behaviors:
Practical Ways to Support a Child with ADHD at Home
Parenting the Challenging Child While Maintaining Attachment
You might also consider joining our online community – Creating a Family Facebook group – to hear from other parents and caregivers who are working with challenging behaviors.
Thanks for reading. We hope you find some helpful tools!
What’s the fair punishment for a 11 girl for stealing someone pack back at school.
I think it might be helpful to re-frame this issue from how to punish TO how to support and scaffold for new, preferred behaviors. Yes, stealing someone else’s belongings is wrong. However, when a child has expeirenced trauma, prenatal exposure or other challenges they often don’t connect their actions with the consequences of those actions. Instead, consider helping the child return the backpack with everything still in place. Give the child a script to repeat for how to talk to the owner. Then role play with that child what other options they had in the moment of choosing to take the backpack. Help them create a plan for what they can do the next time the impulse to take another’s belongings comes up for them. In addition to the tips in this article, this resource will be helpful for a better understanding of how their brains work and how to support them toward appropriate behavior.
Hi I have tried all of the above strategy with my adoptive granddaughter but she still has not changed her behaviour. I am so dissturbed cos she is provided with everything including love and attention 💔😥
Thank you so much for reading and reaching out.
It’s so hard, isn’t it? It often takes years to undo the impacts of trauma and loss that our kids have experienced. It feels like such a long journey when we know they are safe, we know they are loved, we know there will no longer be harm or self-reliance needed to survive. Like, “why don’t you know this yet?” However, what they need is felt-safety, our constancy, consistency, predictability, and reassurance as much as we can muster, as long as we can muster it, for as long as they need it. That is NOT the answer I’m guessing you were looking for — it’s certainly not what I want to hear when I am weary. But it’s what I need to remember.
What helps ME stay in the healing mode is surrounding myself with other parents and caregivers who get it. Who understand the fatigue I feel but can also remind me of the reason we are all doing our very best for these kids. We need each other. Please consider the online community we host — you will be supported and encouraged to keep on keeping on! And you might even learn new ways to keep at it.
Immediately address the issue of lying, stealing or distructfulness with your child. My life mantra is “to tolerate is to validate “. If you tolerate any negative behavior the you automatically validate that action in their minds. That sets the action up as a new norm! Not gonna happen. Address the issue and ask the question as to why they did what they did. Acknowledge their answer but reinforce that you do not validate that behavior and discuss consequences. All actions have consequences; some good, some bad.
Be the parent, not their friend. Structure and guidance is paramount to raising respectful, good children. I still often make choices for my 13 year old. He doesn’t like it, and I’m okay with that because that’s what a parent is supposed to do.
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. We agree that it’s crucial for our kids understand that these behaviors are not acceptable. Parents and caregivers must establish trust and connection with their children to enforce the safe boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. Allowing these behaviors to continue and repeat builds the neural pathways in their brains that create repeated and even normalized responses like more lying, cheating, or stealing. That does no favors for a growing child’s understanding of how to function in our families or in the world beyond home!
Parents and caregivers should be scaffolding their kids to figure out that they are safe to tell the truth. In this population of kids impacted by trauama, abuse, prenatal exposure, etc. a child’s lying, stealing and cheating (and other challenging behaviors) can quite often be a survival strategy. We find it useful to equip parents to understand WHY kids lie, cheat, or steal (or engage in other risky or challenging behaviors).
Here are a few resources to help explain more clearly what we mean by that:
https://creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/adoption-radio-shows/8-tips-for-handling-lying-stealing-and-cheating-weekend-wisdom/
https://creatingafamily.org/foster-care/fostering-blog/lying-stealing-how-to-parent-challenging-behaviors/
https://www.creatingafamilyed.org/courses/practical-tips-for-raising-kids-with-prenatal-alcohol-and-drug-exposure
Thanks for weighing in and sharing your thoughts. We hope you keep reading!
Hi I have tried all of the above strategy with my adoptive granddaughter but she still has not changed her behaviour. I am so dissturbed cos she is provided with everything including love and attention 💔😥…. Thank you so much for the advise 🙏🙏🙏
I just recently found out my 14 year old has stolen make up more than once from different stores. I caught her this past weekend and she said she did it once but I went through her bedroom and found makeup stashed in a pillow and I know I didn’t buy it. She does have anxiety and things have been hard for her since Covid. She did virtual learning the first year of Covid and then back and has had anxiety even since. She gets straight A in school and I thought she was a trustworthiness person. Until she also did some things with a friend that was supposed to be her best friend and she is no longer to communicate with that friend anymore her father and I don’t agree with that friends home life either. I haven’t told her father about the stealing as I know it would be a lot of yelling and I want to try and handle it in a smarter way. I just don’t know what to do. She is in counseling but I know she would never tell her counselor about this.
Hello Heather,
Thanks for sharing your struggles – it’s so frustrating isn’t it? Covid definitely created some long-lasting and unforeseen impacts for our kids and many of us are still uncovering those. The good news is that these behaviors – lying and stealing – are not unsolvable. It might take some new levels of honesty with herself and with you but she can find help for them if she’s willing. We have a couple of resources that might help you help her:
Lying & Stealing: How to Parent Challenging Behaviors
Parenting Tweens and Teens, a FREE course from Jockey Being Family
Tantrums, Meltdowns & Whining, Oh, My! How to Parent Challenging Behaviors
8 Ways to Strengthen Attachment with Your Child
Hang in there – it is challenging for sure. You might also enjoy our online community where members share their experiences and support each other to learn and grow.
I don’t agree with you keeping it from your husband or the counselor. You want unity, honesty and trust in your household. How can the counselor help her and you guys as a family if you are withholding secrets, it’s embarrassing but there are consequences and they need to be made aware so they can help the child and their family.
Hi, Mrs. Sutton,
I appreciate you reading our post and your thoughtful response. Indeed, transparency and unity will be crucial to rebuilding trust and relearning healthier habits between these family members. We don’t recommended to withhold information from the husband or the counselor, however the child and her mother have to find a safe space to let the child share the struggle and work as a family (with the counselor) to get it all out on the table and rebuild trust from the ground up. That will take time and mindful attention to their dynamics.
Thanks for joining the conversation!
Hi,
My 12 years old daughter has stolen from someone’s locker at school (not locked) what she liked including ipod and some money. We parents felt very shocking and shameful. She has tendency of eating junk food without permission at home as we parents restrict the quantity. I took her to shopping in the same month when this incidence happened, and she opened the bottle in the store and took few candy. When she started coughing, i realized what she did which I asked her to put it back in the store. We both parents explained her this is not acceptable and you are repeating the mistakes. She had tears and she said she does not know how to stop her impulses. The same day at home she took one more candy cane from her sibling’s return gift bag (without permission) and it was hided under sofa. Next day I found out and asked her, she said she did it yesterday after coming home from school.
I don’t know what is going on and how we can help. Earlier I used to get mad at her and couple of times slap her too for this behavior. But yesterday I was very calm and explained her for little time and told her to write in her diary and make sure to count 10 before she feels like taking anything. But again late evening she took candy from her sibling’s gift bag.
Please keep confidential my name and contact email.
Hello and thank you for reaching out.
It’s VERY challenging when a child lies and steals — most of us were raised to believe that lying and stealing are moral issues. Your “count to ten” and use a diary are excellent starts toward helping her pause to think before she acts!
When we can better understand the impacts of trauma and prenatal substance exposure, we can support our kids to manage those impulses differently. If you check the links I highlighted, you can start to understand the underlying causes. In the meantime, here are a few practical things you can try to help your daughter.
Best wishes as you keep trying to support her and help her learn new ways to respond!
This article really helped reiterate how important it is to discipline the behavior without it changing my behavior towards my son. I also like the idea of not giving him an opportunity to lie. 99% of the time we know that he did it. He is medicated ADHD and this is his 3rd or 4th medication. It has greatly improved focus and academic performance, however, lying and stealing are impulses that none of the meds, talk therapy, social skills courses, and CBT have helped.
He is 13 and has stolen food since he could walk. He has always had 3-4 full meals a day and snacks, but has stolen from the home, classmates’ lunches, former teachers, etc. This week he was caught stealing from a teachers desk. Though the behavior itself is problematic I am so worried about the damage to his reputation. In the past 48 hours since being put on punishment, he stole another 3 or 4 times. In the last 6 months he has graduated to taking my credit card to order from a game site…I had to file a “friendly fraud” claim. It was heartbreaking. I take photos of items when I leave the room because theft has become a reflex. He takes just about everything.
He is now past the slap-on-the-wrist age of discipline and I fear the outcome if this behavior continues. we’re at a loss. We got him therapy EARLY, we edify and affirm him, we celebrate small victories and reward good decisions. Why won’t he stop? As an AuDHD parent I understand the burden of impulses, but can’t understand why none of our proactive and reactive interventions have helped.
It is very difficult not to take the behavior personally…my overanalyzing ADHD brain is to blame. I love him but have already lost a job because of his behavior. Please help me. I am legitimately weeping and hoping for a reply that can restore hope.
Please help me help my baby.
Thank you
Dear Madeline,
Thank you for reading and reaching out. I’m so sorry for the struggles you and your child are experiencing. It’s so difficult and I understand your frustration and pain. First, I’d love for you to consider our online community – there are tons of experienced parents, adult adoptees, and former foster youth who can share their stories and at the minimum help you realize you are not alone. Second, I wonder if you have your son working with a therapist who is adoption-competent? Or are you working with a team that has TBRI training? Both of those paths might yield the support and tools you need to help him succeed and the tools he can implement to cope with the impulsivity. There is a directory on the linked page to find support for both of those resources. I wonder also if you’ve had a chance to listen to this podcast on ADHD?
Finally, I highly recommend that you seek therapy or counseling for yourself! Find a safe space to offload the hard stuff you are experiencing – someone who will give you the tools to help you cope with the challenging behaviors and not take them personally. It’s been a critical part of my journey and I cannot tell you how it’s helped me improve my parenting!
I hope to see you over in our community – we’d be happy to share more and encourage you there to keep trying!
Thanks again for reading!
My name is Doreen ave been stealing since I went to a boarding school I want to stop they caught me yesterday I was so ashamed of my self I need help please
Hello Doreen,
Thanks for reading and reaching out. Have you considered therapy? You don’t say how old you are or what your situation is (adoptee? foster child? high school? college?) but help is available! Start with your doctors – ask for recommendations for therapists. You could also contact a guidance counselor or advisor for help. If none of those are available, try a clergy person – like a pastor or priest or leader in your faith community.
We wish you the best.
Here is my situation. My 15 year old took my phone to school and brought it back broken. He admitted to it. He took 20 bucks from his younger brother but gave it back and told him it was a prank. Now his younger is missing 11 bucks we asked him if he took it and he said no. His father told him that he doesn’t believe him because he is a liar. His dad wants to take everything out of his room and ground him for a month . Which means sitting Indian style hands on your knees looking at the wall . Only getting up to get something to eat drink and use the bathroom. What should I do??
I’m sorry – these behaviors are so frustrating, aren’t they? Especially if their behavior triggers you because of some unfinished business within your own childhood experiences.
What we’ve tried is to incorporate the tips listed here in the article, and move forward from previous methods of handling the lies and stealing, as consistently as we can manage. After all, we are learning too. Your husband might need some education on the WHY of these challenging behaviors — this podcast and this article might help.
It might also help to consider alternate ways of handling correction. Tme “grounding” method you describe sounds quite punitive and not connected to the actions that concern you. This article might help, as well as this one.
None of these suggestions are easy to implement, nor do they change challenging behaviors overnight. What MIGHT help quickly is to think, “my child is not challenging me, he’s having a challenging time.” This can help you look for the WHY under the behaviors, investigating what might be triggering these behaviors rather than writing him off as a troubled kid.
Hopefully you and your husband can get on the same page and find a few things that work to build relationships and trust so that you can get to the root of the struggle within your child.
Thanks for reading and reaching out!
My my 7 year old son, Lying and cheat , steal. he also does know when to stop, he doesn’t know how to control. we have taken Almost all his favorite stuff away from him every-time he does steal.and lately he doesn’t since to care anymore.he will fine things and hint from us.he also have a Roblox and mind craft games addiction that he would stay up for hours to watch and play that game. i am beyond upset that some morning I found my husband laptop in his bedroom and check the history, he was watching the game of Roblox and YouTube in12 pm until 5 am in the morning. His behavior is getting worse and worst we are very concerning about him. Anyone advice would appreciate. We don’t know what to do. right now my gaul to not allow any some kind of internet access in my house whole. And only have limited time for TV. Not sure if that will Change his behavior.
It’s so hard when trust is broken, isn’t it? We highly recommend that you consider these 8 tips for managing the deceit. But also try to work WITH him on a solution so that you all have some ownership and voice in the process. This podcast and article can both help you try some new conversations to find a solution.
You might also appreciate the online community we run to support each other through all sorts of parenting issues.
Thanks for reading and reaching out.