If you are raising a child whom you know or suspect was sexually abused, you know that one of the most damaging impacts of that traumatic experience is shame. The weight of shame and self-blame that our kids may carry from this trauma can lead to years of negative self-talk, depression, anxiety, self-esteem struggles, and more. These impacts make it challenging for our kids to move toward healing. No matter how long you have had, or will have, this child in your home, you can help them find healing and cope with the impacts of sexual abuse so they can find a healthy path forward.

Helping Kids Cope with the Impacts of Sexual Abuse

A child who has experienced sexual abuse may struggle with challenging behaviors, low self-esteem, and feelings of self-blame, shame, and worthlessness. Whether you know for sure that your adopted, foster, or kinship child was sexually abused or you suspect it but have no proof, you can come alongside this child in meaningful ways. Your goal is to ensure your child always knows you are with them, that your home is a safe landing place, and that you will protect them from further injury.

1. Seek professional help.

You and your child must have a safe, educated professional in your corner. You might attend counseling with this child, the child might go alone, or you might do a combination of approaches. It’s also wise to consider your own counselor to help you process the experiences of raising this child.

If you need recommendations for counselors with experience in healing from sexual abuse, talk with your pediatrician, a school counselor, or a case worker who is supporting your family. Other resources for reliable recommendations could be the faith leaders in your community and other adoptive, foster, or relative caregivers in your circles.

Therapy Resources for Families

2. Give the child language for their abuse.

Working with therapists or counselors can also help you give your child the language they need to cope with the abuses they experienced. Your child must learn how to name the abuse and identify their feelings about the abuse. They also need labels for the behaviors or other impacts they experience because of that abuse.

It also helps our kids when they learn and use appropriate names for body parts, and can label the actions for what they were. Many children who were sexually abused had improper language for these actions from their abuser (for example, “cuddling,” or “special time,” etc.). Re-naming it for what it is can empower your child when you are teaching them that they are not to blame for what happened to them.

3. Redirect the blame.

You may hear your child talking about themself – directly or indirectly – and the abuse. You may have to listen carefully to figure out that they are blaming themselves, but it’s common for children to blame themselves for abuse of any kind. Their abusers may have even subtly blamed them with manipulative language.

When you hear your child self-blaming, it’s critical that you (gently, patiently, and consistently) redirect the blame to the grown-ups. For example, you can develop several responses that you use every time you hear the lies of self-blame cropping up:

  • “You are a child. You deserved protection and care.”
  • “You did not choose to be hurt. You did not give consent.”
  • “Being hurt like that was not your choice.”

4. Allow space and time for anger and grief.

As this child feels safer and safer in your home, you might see a rise in challenging behaviors or emotional expressions. Try to remember that their healing journey is a long process, with many twists and turns, and sometimes even setbacks. Healing is rarely linear. Working through their anger and grief will not be a straightforward path. Allowing your child to face their abuse, name it, and work through it is part of their healing process, but it might get uglier before it gets better.

Anger and grief may show up in a variety of ways: temper tantrums, nightmares, aggressive play, controlling behaviors, depression, withdrawal, food issues, sleep struggles, and more. When your child behaves in a challenging way, try to pause for a moment. Consider what they might be trying to express before you respond. Hurting children often do not have the language to describe their internal feelings or needs, which is why helping them name what they feel is so empowering. Responding (rather than reacting) to the need under their behavior makes them feel safe and heard. Responding to the need they are trying to express also helps them connect their anger or grief to their behaviors.

Understanding Prenatal Exposure to Alcohol and Drugs

5. Teach the skill of self-compassion.

Self-compassion is a very powerful tool for opposing self-blame and shame. It is the practice of offering kindness to yourself when you might otherwise choose self-criticism or negative self-talk.

However, this skill does not come naturally to most of us, and certainly not to a child who has experienced sexual abuse. Learning and teaching it to your child may take a while. Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • Express lavish kindness and compassion for this child, even in the smallest ways. Try to show these traits as often as you can squeeze them into daily interactions. In fact, it’s okay to “go overboard” with your kindness and gentle empathy while trying to teach them the skills they need to practice it on themselves.
  • Model self-compassion by narrating kindness for yourself when you’ve made a mistake or are struggling with something.
  • When you hear your child engaging in self-blame or negative self-talk, pause to rehearse different self-compassion messaging.
  • Role-play experiences where you and your child take turns showing self-compassion over simple, typical life experiences.

To learn more about self-compassion, watch this video.

Healing is Possible!

There are many myths and stigmas in our society about sexual abuse. However, the truth of the matter is that children who experience sexual abuse can find healing with the proper support and care. The power of your presence, love, and nurture cannot be understated. You are responsible and privileged to meet this child’s needs and walk them through the pain toward healing. And they can find healthy coping skills and learn to thrive in your care.

Image Credits: Foto Kesit; Yaseminmsl; Yogendra  Singh