You adopted your child as a baby or very young child, and now they’re growing into the tween or teen years. You’ve probably talked about adoption before—maybe even since day one—but those conversations start to shift as your child matures. Tweens and teens begin asking deeper questions about identity, biology, and where they fit in the world. Even if your tween or teen hasn’t brought it up yet, this is the time when emotions around adoption can start to surface in new ways.

Talking to Tweens & Teens About Adoption

While some of the parts of your child’s adoption story may range from feeling sticky, difficult, or even painful to talk about, it’s critical that you create a safe space for conversations to unfold and grow. Your goal is to keep these conversations open, safe, supportive, and authentic — for both of you.

Start Talking. Keep Talking.

If you’ve been talking openly about adoption since your child was young, you’ve already laid a strong foundation. Now’s the time to build on that. Instead of one big talk, think of it as a series of small, meaningful conversations woven into your everyday fabric. Maybe it’s while watching a movie that features adoption, driving home from school, or looking at old photos. The goal is to normalize the topic so your child feels comfortable bringing it up when they’re ready.

However, if you’re just starting the conversation now, please be assured that it’s never too late to begin. A good place to start is with simple facts about their story and reassurance that you’re open to talking about anything that’s on their mind.

Be Honest, Even When It’s Hard.

Our kids can usually sense when something is being left out. Sharing the truth of their story, at a pace and in a way they can handle, is key to helping them feel anchored and respected.

If your child asks why they were adopted, stick to what you know. For example, you might say,

“Your birth mom wasn’t in a place where she could raise a child at that time, but she wanted you to have a safe and loving home.”

Avoid guessing or making assumptions about motives or feelings you can’t confirm. And remember that it’s also okay to admit you don’t know something. You can say,

“That’s something I wish I had more answers to, too. If you’d like, we can look into it together when you’re ready.”

If you have a degree of openness with your child’s birth parents, you could also say,

“If you would like to, we can ask your (birthmother) the next time we talk.”

Support Their Feelings.

As your child grows, they may start to identify a sense of loss about their birth family, culture, or early story, even if they don’t remember it. They may feel sadness, anger, confusion, or even guilt. Your job isn’t to fix those emotions, but to make space for them. Practice saying things like:

  • “It’s completely okay to feel that way. I feel some of it too.”
  • “You’re allowed to have mixed feelings about adoption—I’ll always be here to talk about them.”

Some kids will want to talk often; others may keep things inside. Follow their lead, but continue to offer reassurance and openness. If your child is struggling with identity or emotions around adoption, consider connecting them with a therapist who has experience in adoption or trauma-informed care.

Strengthening and Supporting Your Transracial Adoptee

Focus on Connecting Activities

Reading books, watching movies, and playing games together can be great vehicles to open conversations around adoption issues. Whether you speak generally about adoption or specifically about your child’s adoption, keeping the tone light and laughing together can increase the connectedness between you. Even if this conversation doesn’t yield any new information or unlock the depths within your tween or teen, you are setting a tone that says you welcome them and their questions.

One example of such a tool comes from Sean Delahant, of Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.). In a CreatingaFamily.org interview, he called it the “Revealer and Hider” game. You and your child take turns sharing a small story or memory—maybe something personal or funny. Then each of you holds up a sign saying either “Revealer” (if you’re open to sharing more) or “Hider” (if you’d prefer to keep it private). This activity helps kids feel in control of what they share and when, while also giving them permission to explore what’s going on inside.

Provide Age-Appropriate Details

With Your Tweens (Ages 11–13)

At this stage, kids are starting to understand more complex ideas and may want clearer facts about their adoption. If they don’t already know the information, share where they were born, the basics of their adoption story, or what you may know about what their birth parents were going through at the time. Try to avoid oversharing or giving adult-level details too soon. Just stick to the essentials and follow their lead.

For Young Teens (Ages 14–15)

These years often bring questions about identity and belonging. Your young teen might compare themselves to peers, notice physical traits they don’t share with their adoptive family, or wonder more about their birth parents’ personalities and choices.

You can support their curiosity and desire for answers by normalizing that these questions are part of growing up. Let them know that it’s okay to feel torn between two families or to have questions that don’t have easy answers.

With Older Teens (Ages 16–18)

Older teens and young adults may start asking about establishing contact with birth family (parents or siblings), family medical history, or legal records. They may be considering DNA tests, exploring cultural or racial identity, or talking about possible reunions. They may have even started searching on social media on their own.

It’s helpful to approach their curiosity and need to know as a partnership. Let them know you’re open to supporting them in a search or helping them gather information—at their pace. Some teens will want to connect quickly; others may change their mind several times. Your steady support can make all the difference.

Don’t Overcomplicate the Language.

You don’t need fancy phrases or deep speeches—just be honest and authentic. Avoid terms like “real parents” or “given up,” and instead use phrases like “placed for adoption” or “birth or first parents.” Keep your tone warm and supportive. A simple, “I’ll always be here if you want to talk more about that,” goes a long way.

The Art of Talking with Kids

Be the Safe Place They Can Always Return To

Your tween or teen may not ask for it, but they want to know they can come to you with big feelings and questions. Being open, honest, and calm even when their curiosity catches you off guard will help them feel safe in their relationship with you.

It helps to remember that their adoption was not just a one-time event—it’s part of their identity they will carry in different ways throughout their life. By keeping the door open, you’re showing them that their story is important, and that you love all of who they are.

If your tween or teen expresses interest in finding or contacting their birth family, try not to take it personally. This is about their identity and understanding their story, it’s not a reflection of your parenting. Stay calm, ask gentle questions about what they hope to find, and help them think through next steps. Some kids just want to see a picture or learn a name. Others may want contact. Support their curiosity and remind them you’re in this together.

Take Care of Yourself Too

Having these conversations can bring up emotions for you as well. Maybe you’re worried about how much to share, or you’re feeling a little vulnerable too. That’s normal. Connecting with other adoptive parents, reading articles, or joining our online support community can help you process your own thoughts and stay grounded as you guide your child.

Your Presence Will Build Their Confidence

Talking about adoption with your tween or teen doesn’t have to be overwhelming. The key is to stay open, honest, and emotionally available. Whether your child is full of questions or still sorting things out silently, your steady presence, commitment to their understanding, and your willingness to walk beside them will help them build their identity from a position of confidence and security that will last their lifetime.

Image Credits: Gustavo Fring; Ron Lach; Zen Chung; Kaboompics.com