Whether you are raising foster or adopted children or a relative’s child (through kinship caregiving), you likely put yourself on the proverbial back burner quite often. Listening to someone tell you to “take good care of yourself” can irritate you. Who has time for bubble baths and manicures?!? However, we urge you to hang in there with us and reconsider: self-care isn’t selfish or indulgent. Nor is it some grand event to pursue once everything settles down and you magically find time in your calendar. Instead, we invite you to reframe self-care as a series of healthy habits and self-discipline we build into our routines. These acts of care can fuel us and protect us from burnout and secondary stress trauma. When viewed from that lens, self-care isn’t selfish.

Start with Small Acts of Self-Care

Raising children impacted by trauma, prenatal exposure, or learning challenges can be consuming, overwhelming, and exhausting. Your whole person is affected by the needs of and care for this precious child in your home. How can you care well for yourself with the many other needs wrestling for priority in your day?

Where Can You Pause?

When you are new to any version of self-care, it’s wise to start small. Consider what short periods are already part of your daily routine. Where can you pause? When do you typically have a moment to slow down, take deep breaths, and assess your state of being? For some, these short breaks might be before everyone gets up and starts the mad dash to get out the door on time for school or work. Others might enjoy a quiet rest before gathering at the dinner table. It’s different for everyone. However, when you observe your home’s rhythms, you can likely find ten minutes of quiet.

How Can You Maximize the Pause?

Once you’ve identified the time of day you typically pause, think of a few ways to take that moment “up a notch.” How can you prepare earlier in the day (or the day before) to increase the sense of purpose or rest you gain in those ten minutes? Here are a few simple ideas to spark your thought process:

  • Put a meditation, prayer book, or journal beside the comfy chair where you usually sit.
  • Add a soothing candle or a blanket.
  • Place your walking shoes by the door so they are ready for a ten-minute walk.
  • Fill a basket with earbuds, comfy sneakers, and gardening gloves for daily garden time.

The goal is to prepare your environment and consistently plan to maximize that daily time. Again, keep it low-pressure and easy to accomplish. Be gentle with yourself and gracious about missed moments – this isn’t a test or checklist to conquer. It’s about identifying where you already stop to take a deep mental and emotional breath and then making that time more intentional.

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Build on the Daily Habit

As you get comfortable with this daily habit of pausing to fuel yourself, ask yourself what you can do to build on that habit. That might mean extending the time, but it could also mean adding another time somewhere else in your day. Consider what makes you feel uniquely “you” aside from your role as a parent or caregiver. Help yourself choose the right time or vehicle for more refreshing or energizing by asking yourself a few questions:

  • Is there a class or a club in your community that interests you? Do you love learning new skills or meeting new people?
  • Did you put a hobby aside when parenting became consuming or challenging? How can you pick that hobby up again?
  • What was the last book you read that excited you? Is there a local book club you can join?
  • Where can you go to heighten the experience of your daily pause? Can you walk in the local park instead of your neighborhood?

Identifying activities that fire you up and engaging the resources around you can be excellent tools to maximize your habit of pausing to care for yourself.

Be willing to carve out time for these activities, even if only once a month. Sign up for that short-term class and enter it on the family calendar. Then keep the appointment with yourself like you would a doctor’s appointment!

Planning for Your Self-Care

Identify the obstacles.

We get it. There are so many obstacles in your way when you are raising kids impacted by trauma, prenatal exposure, or other life challenges. Finding safe childcare and arranging time away from the house can make you feel defeated about your plans before you even try them. However, remember that it’s not selfish to take care of yourself. You must be healthy – emotionally, physically, and mentally – to keep your family growing strong.

Determine what obstacles are in front of you. Then, be realistic about what you can afford, financially and time-wise, and still achieve your self-care goals. Get creative with it! You could swap childcare with a friend who needs time away from the house. Seek activities or events that offer childcare for participants. Thoughtfully researching the options and obstacles can help you plan to overcome the roadblocks to self-care successfully. The bonus is that this effort can be empowering and make the time spent even more meaningful once you arrange it all.

Taking Care of Yourself When Parenting Harder to Parent Kids

Expect some resistance.

It’s common for parents and caregivers to experience objections from their family when trying something new or changing the household routine. These changes might feel upsetting to the kids or your partner. It’s understandable, but it’s also reasonable to let them know what you need and why.

Reassure them that your need to refuel is no reflection on them or their current care for you. Instead, you must invest in yourself to continue caring for them. Your children might need your empathy and reminders of how well you care for them regularly. Assure them that the new plans – like childcare – are safe and trustworthy. Be matter-of-fact and calm about the plans, even if they object. The key is to proceed with your self-care habits while reassuring them that they are safe and well-loved. We love this quote from Dr. Ken Ginsburg about self-care:

When you care for yourself, it makes your children feel more secure. They care about your well-being.

Tackle the practical needs of your home.

Sometimes, the most effective self-care you can pursue is to lighten your mental load. These are just a few of the tasks that require us to engage in extensive strategic thinking and planning all day long:

  • Meal planning
  • Cleaning the bathrooms
  • Doctor and therapy appointments
  • Squeezing in another load of laundry
  • Taxi runs to and from sports and lessons
  • Time with your parents, friends, or extended family
  • Emails to and from the school
  • Homework help
  • Grocery shopping
  • Work tasks and projects
  • Volunteering at school
  • Engaging in your faith community

Does this sound familiar? Are you exhausted just reading this? These — and all the other unlisted tasks you perform — take a toll on your mental health. What if you off-loaded or automated some of those tasks?

Scheduling grocery delivery can reduce the stress of running to the store for “just a few things” to tide you over. Not surprisingly, it can also be a great benefit to your grocery bill! Meal planning once a month or every Sunday is a time saver, stress reducer, and, again, a relief on your wallet. Creating chore charts for your kids teaches them valuable life skills and builds teamwork skills, all while easing the load for you. Can you rearrange your budget to accommodate help with cleaning, yard work, or seasonal tasks around the house?

If you haven’t already done so, consider how to share the load with your partner more equitably. Sometimes, they don’t pick up on it if you don’t tell them you are overwhelmed. A frank but gentle conversation about how they can work with you to manage household tasks might be overdue.

Self-Care Is a Buffer Against Burnout.

It’s easy to wear yourself out when you are parenting a child who has experienced trauma, loss, or chaos. You wake up every morning doing everything humanly possible to meet their needs and make them feel cherished. Before you know it, it’s time to fall into bed and try to get some sleep so you can do it all again tomorrow.

You risk burnout when you get caught in that cycle of “doing” all the time. Stress, exhaustion, and feeling overwhelmed make it easy to say no to dinner with friends or cycling class with your sibling. If you aren’t careful, you separate yourself from friends and family who can help you carry this load. This isolation can increase your risk for depression, burnout, and secondary trauma stress.

Self-Care that Prioritizes Relationships

To buffer yourself against isolation and burnout, consider the habits you can incorporate into your daily and weekly schedules to increase your connection with others. Many parents and caregivers find it beneficial to build relationships with others in similar circumstances and find parent or caregiver support groups where they can learn and grow.

There are plenty of other opportunities around you to consider, too:

  • Join a prayer or study group at your local faith center.
  • Find a book or supper club in your town.
  • Go to yoga or spin class at the Y.
  • Attend a weekly crafting class at the community center.
  • Volunteer at the local shelter to walk dogs.
  • Set a weekly coffee date with a few friends.
  • Meet your sister to walk at the high school track.

Whatever you add to your self-care habits, look for ways to balance your need for alone time against unhealthy isolation. Only you can answer for that balance, and giving yourself flexibility and grace is crucial while you learn how to do it.

Self-Care is Not Selfish

It’s common to read or hear messages from our culture that say self-care is pampering and indulging yourself. However true, regenerating self-care is much more than that! It is vital to refresh your mind, body, and spirit to support your family and set you all up to thrive. You deserve the time and effort of prioritizing self-care that refills you with the care, love, and energy you invest in your family. It’s not selfish. It’s self-preservation!

Image Credits: Jessica Lewis 🦋 thepaintedsquare; Vincenzo Malagoli; Yan Krukau (cropped)