Practical Tips for Disciplining While Maintaining Attachment
In this episode we talk about practical tips for disciplining while maintaining attachment with Amanda Purvis, a Training Specialist at the Karyn Purvis Center for Child Development, a social worker, and a mom of five.
Hit the Highlights
- Basics of how to create attachment with kids who have experience trauma.
- What is the purpose of discipline?
- Building the foundation.
- Punishment vs. retraining.
- Different disciplinary approaches.
- Why doesn’t the “spare the rod, spoil the child” disciplinary approach work?
- Time-outs or being sent to their room.
- Shaming
- Lecturing
- “At risk kids (children who have experienced trauma) respond better to discipline that guides them to think about their choices and consequences without being shamed.”
- Is the goal to preserve a warm, loving connection between parent and child throughout the discipline process?
- How to approach disciplining that combines firmness, kindness, and retraining.
- You are the boss-own your authority.
- Be a good boss.
- Speak with authority
- Gear response to the child’s level of misbehavior
- Shift your perspective: misbehavior is an opportunity
- Don’t take it personally (approach discipline in a matter of fact way)
- The “IDEAL” approach
- Respond immediately
- Respond directly
- Respond efficiently and measured. Less is more. (firmness, correction, words) Don’t get into a discussion.
- Response is action-based. (Active redirection. Physically led through a do-over followed by praise).
- Response is leveled at the behavior not the child.
- You are the boss-own your authority.
- The power of the Re-Do
- Parental attitude about the re-do is important: Re-dos are not punishment. They are an opportunity to instruct and practice. Keep it pleasant, upbeat.
- If needed, model what you want.
- Follow up with praise.
- Maintaining attachment
- Think it over place
- Give choices and compromises
- Sandwich technique-send more positive than negative messages
- Maintain a respectful atmosphere: give respect and expect respect
- Common scenarios that drive parents crazy. (Look beyond the behavior to what need the child expressing).
- Inability to accept “no”
- Not responding to your request (i.e. ignoring you)
- Triangulation-remember it’s a survival technique
- Lying
- Importance of finding a way to recharge because parenting and disciplining a child who has experienced a rough start is exhausting.
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Music Credit: Michael Ashworth