You Know You’re Infertile When…

Dawn Davenport


you know you are infertile when...

Sometimes you’ve got to laugh to keep from crying. Have you ever heard Jeff Foxworthy’s comedy routine “You know you’re a redneck when…”? He’s got hundreds of answers, including “you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without” and “your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand”. We played the infertility version of this game on the Creating a Family Facebook Support Group the other day, and the answers were hilarious (and poignant). So without further adieux, I bring you {drum roll please}…

You Know You’re Infertile When…

  • You buy ovulation predictor tests and home pregnancy tests in bulk. (As is no surprise, this was the most commonly given answer.)
  • Taking birth control pills while trying to conceive makes perfect sense.
  • You’ve taken a pregnancy test apart….like literally apart. (This one prompted a follow-up when I said I didn’t get it. Her response was “Duh, you take the plastic off so you can get the paper strip closer to a light just in case the plus sign or blue line is really faint.”
  • People you barely know ask if you raise your hips after intercourse or what type of underwear your husband wears.
  • The dentist asks if there’s any possibility of pregnancy, and you think “Maybe he knows something I don’t. I should test to be sure.”
  • You don’t flinch when you hear a doctor say “your cervix has no nerve endings so this won’t hurt a bit” as he holds up a giant pair of tweezers!”
  • Injection needles of any gauge fail to concern you anymore…you might even get impatient with the person injecting & tell them “give it to me, I’ll do it myself.”
  • You are comfortable with and willing to discuss with anyone the relative merits of vaginal vs .oral temping.
  • Friends want to visit and spend the night, and you check your calendar before you answer …not to see if you have plans of your own, but to see if it will interfere with you having to BD [baby dance].
  • You can recognize a preggo at 5 weeks.
  • You can’t remember the last time you and your sweetie had spontaneous sex, i.e. without an ovulation predictor kit, charts, and cervical mucus checks.
  • You have a Pavlovian response to stirrups! Once you see them, you automatically strip from the waist down and drape! (But you don’t drool cause THAT is weird.)
  • You run through scenarios involving bodily harm to anyone who tells you to “just relax”, “Just go get drunk with your hubby”, or brags about being so fertile they just need to be looked at to get pregnant.
  • You compare your IVF cycle to the X-Factor. Have a scan – move onto judge’s house. Egg retrieval – live shows. How many finalists (embryos) will we have? Who wins (pregnancy test) and can maintain that record contract (baby)???
  • You’ve played games like this for years.

OK, let’s keep the merriment going. What’s your answer to “You know you’re infertile when…”?

Image credit: JD Hancock
First published 2013; updated 2017

12/06/2017 | by Dawn Davenport | Categories: Blog, Infertility, Infertility Blog | 28 Comments

28 Responses to You Know You’re Infertile When…

  1. Avatar Jen says:

    You know your infertile when the idea that babies are found in cabbage patches or brought by a stork seems 100 percent more likely than the totally laughable idea that sex with your husband might produce one

  2. Avatar Jen says:

    You seriously consider buying panties with a split in the crotch not as an erotic turn on for your partner but because they might offer you a semblance of dignity on transvaginal scan days.

  3. Avatar Kristina G. says:

    …when you look at the single, not-pregnant line on a pregnancy test, you feel like it’s flipping you off.

  4. Avatar Leilani says:

    For the record, I learned to take the test apart from another IF friend. 🙂 What’s really funny is every time I’ve gotten a BFP (all 4 days pass a 5 day transfer) I could clearly see the line…not need to rip the test apart!!!

  5. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, but truly that was a first for me. The ingenuity of the infertile never ceases to amaze me. 🙂

  6. Avatar Leilani says:


  7. Jill, yeah, ain’t that the truth.

  8. Avatar Karla says:

    You have a stack of ovulation & preg tests in your med cabinet that you take like daily vitamins.

  9. Avatar Jill says:

    I used to take the sticks apart too.

    You might be dealing with infertility if….your sex life suffered during non ovulating times.

  10. Avatar AnonAP says:

    – people give you fertility totems because, “I think they totally worked for us”
    – you want to throttle people who say, “I know exactly how you feel. It took 6 long months of trying before we got pregnant with our second”
    – You answer the question, “are you currently on any form of birth control?” with, “Yup, you’re looking at her! All natural, accept no substitutes.”
    – you start thinking that having to look at a calendar to determine when your last cycle began is a sign of a weak mind. Doesn’t everyone have the date firmly fixed in their mind until the next one starts?

  11. Avatar Michelle says:

    My husband and I saw a comedian in Tampa recently; he and his wife conceived through IVF and the comments he made about fertility treatment were HILAR. Such as the suggestion that he would hang a COME AGAIN SOON sign over his own fertility doc’s doorway. :p

  12. I’m still laughing over the taking the pregnant test apart comment.

  13. Avatar Jill H. says:

    Jody I love it from the large girls that defy logic to the husband comment haha

  14. Avatar Jody Cantrell Dyer says:

    Ha! Amen sister! I couldn’t resist posting this short excerpt from The Eye of Adoption: I truly despised the comment “Just relax and you will get pregnant.” I tried to bite my tongue, but my usual reply was, “I’m not sure I can relax that right fallopian tube out of a medical waste facility and back into my body, functioning properly!” Another thoughtless comment that an early obstetrician made was, “Just go to Victoria’s Secret and buy something sexy.” Even if Victoria’s Secret did sell negligees large enough to contain my Dollyesque boobs, it could not fix my problem. I despised the comment, “Wow, I just look at my husband and I get pregnant.” Perhaps I should have replied, “Well, I’ve looked at your husband, and I still don’t see how you got pregnant!” My fertility specialist said people mean well but cannot relate and just want to say something.

  15. Avatar Jody Cantrell Dyer says:

    We do get desperate ! I told our social worker I wanted to adopt because I was tired of wearing a lab coat to bed. ha! great post Dawn!

  16. Avatar Leilani says:

    Maybe it should be titled, “You know infertility has made you crazy when…” ha!!! At least we can still laugh at some stuff!

  17. Avatar Mani says:

    Hahaha! I could relate to most of these and, now on the other side (through adoption), can I just say how THRILLED I am that this list no longer describes me??!?!?!!!!

  18. Avatar Kristina says:

    …you measure your life 28 days at a time.

  19. Avatar Jill says:

    …you compulsively do cervical/mucous checks during the pms week

  20. Avatar Denise says:

    …you automatically undress in front of anyone with a white jacket…butcher, baker, candlestickmaker, intern, resident, PA, veterinarian, etc.


    …they need a forkift to carry your chart from Baylor College of Medicine to the file room.


    …they name an exam room after you and your husband

  21. Avatar AnonAP says:

    We have two that were actually referred to as “fertility totems” when they were given to us. Seriously. They are not, unfortunately, terribly interesting looking. Cuz I’ve seen some in museums that would have been far more entertaining to receive. One is a book on how awesome it is to be a dad and the other is a wooden toy truck. Apparently these were actually passed around friend groups as people were trying to get pregnant. But, you know, for people who were already at the RE consultation part of the process? hmmm…these were handed to us with lovely, descriptive suggestions of how to have sex so one gets pregnant. Cuz we hadn’t figured that out yet? I guess it hadn’t worked yet anyway…Thankfully, without any discussion of how the items might play a particular role beyond sitting on a shelf and reminding us that we weren’t pregnant yet.

    • AnonAP, now that you mention it, I did see one in a museum that was an “interesting” display of manhood. Not sure you’d want to display it on a shelf anywhere unless you wanted to start some really interesting discussion.

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