you know you are infertile when...

Sometimes you’ve got to laugh to keep from crying. Have you ever heard Jeff Foxworthy’s comedy routine “You know you’re a redneck when…”? He’s got hundreds of answers, including “you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without” and “your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand”. We played the infertility version of this game on the Creating a Family Facebook Support Group the other day, and the answers were hilarious (and poignant). So without further adieux, I bring you {drum roll please}…

You Know You’re Infertile When…

  • You buy ovulation predictor tests and home pregnancy tests in bulk. (As is no surprise, this was the most commonly given answer.)
  • Taking birth control pills while trying to conceive makes perfect sense.
  • You’ve taken a pregnancy test apart….like literally apart. (This one prompted a follow-up when I said I didn’t get it. Her response was “Duh, you take the plastic off so you can get the paper strip closer to a light just in case the plus sign or blue line is really faint.”
  • People you barely know ask if you raise your hips after intercourse or what type of underwear your husband wears.
  • The dentist asks if there’s any possibility of pregnancy, and you think “Maybe he knows something I don’t. I should test to be sure.”
  • You don’t flinch when you hear a doctor say “your cervix has no nerve endings so this won’t hurt a bit” as he holds up a giant pair of tweezers!”
  • Injection needles of any gauge fail to concern you anymore…you might even get impatient with the person injecting & tell them “give it to me, I’ll do it myself.”
  • You are comfortable with and willing to discuss with anyone the relative merits of vaginal vs .oral temping.
  • Friends want to visit and spend the night, and you check your calendar before you answer …not to see if you have plans of your own, but to see if it will interfere with you having to BD [baby dance].
  • You can recognize a preggo at 5 weeks.
  • You can’t remember the last time you and your sweetie had spontaneous sex, i.e. without an ovulation predictor kit, charts, and cervical mucus checks.
  • You have a Pavlovian response to stirrups! Once you see them, you automatically strip from the waist down and drape! (But you don’t drool cause THAT is weird.)
  • You run through scenarios involving bodily harm to anyone who tells you to “just relax”, “Just go get drunk with your hubby”, or brags about being so fertile they just need to be looked at to get pregnant.
  • You compare your IVF cycle to the X-Factor. Have a scan – move onto judge’s house. Egg retrieval – live shows. How many finalists (embryos) will we have? Who wins (pregnancy test) and can maintain that record contract (baby)???
  • You’ve played games like this for years.

OK, let’s keep the merriment going. What’s your answer to “You know you’re infertile when…”?

Image credit: JD Hancock
First published 2013; updated 2017