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    Top Ten Tips for Telling Children About Donor Egg, Sperm, and Embryo

    Fact Sheets

    5

    Tips for Telling Kids about Third Party Conception

    Children conceived by third party reproduction (donor sperm, donor egg, or donor embryo) deserve to know. Secrets are destructive in families, plus, they will likely find out anyway. Many parents know they should tell their donor conceived child, but have no idea where to begin. Here are some practical tips to get you started.

    1. Telling is a process, not a one- or even two-time event. You start simple laying the groundwork and add detail as your child ages. Don’t over tell. The temptation is to put it all out there, tell everything you know, and be done with the darn thing. That is not how it works. No matter what the age, start off with the basics and add detail in subsequent conversations.
    2. Don’t wait. It is simply easier to start the process when your child is young and predisposed to believe everything about themselves is magical, and usually not inclined to ask detailed or tough questions. As an added bonus, more resources are available to help parents of younger kids. Yes, it’s easier to cut your parental telling chops on the 6 and under set, but…
    3. It’s never too late. Even if your child is now sprouting facial hair and slamming doors, it is not too late. Read Talking with Older Kids about Conception via Donor Sperm, Egg , or Embryo  for ideas on telling older kids and adolescents for the first time.
    4. The basic ingredients of the story are “simple”.
      • We wanted you very, very much.
      • We had trouble getting pregnant.
      • We got help from a doctor, and when that didn’t work we got more help because when you have trouble you get help and sometimes you have to try a lot of different things before it gets better.
      • We were so so happy when you finally came.
    5. Language matters. It is important to use the word “donor” rather than “mother” or “father” to describe the person or people who donated gametes or embryos. This is the case even if you are a single mom or same sex couple (unless of course, the donor has embraced a parental role).
    6. Leave the door open to further questions. When the conversation is over, make sure that your child knows that they can always come back to you with more questions, and that you expect that they will have more questions.
    7. It’s the child’s story. Even if you do not want the world to know, there is a mighty fine line between privacy and secrecy. It is fine to encourage your child to only talk about their conception within the family, but if you go overboard you risk making it a secret, and secret implies there is something wrong or shameful about their conception.
    8. All information belongs to the child. Not immediately, but ultimately, any info that you have should be given to the child. Yes, that includes identifying information if you have it.
    9. Don’t get thrown by the “Can we Meet” question. Many kids will ask at some point if they can meet the donor(s). This does not mean they are looking to replace you in their heart as their mom or dad; it likely means they are curious. Answer the question honestly. If you have identifying information, the answer is likely yes, when all parties are ready, and you as the parent will decide, with their input, when that time will be. If you do not have identifying information, the answer is maybe, but complicated with a lot of considerations, such as no identifying information, and the donor’s wish for anonymity. Assure the child that if it is still very important to them in the future, you will help them in any way you can.
    10. Check back in. After you’ve told your child, you need to periodically bring the subject up again to see if they have additional questions. Many parents want to assume that if the child does not talk about it or ask questions that the child is not thinking about it. This might be true, but just as likely it might be that the child senses that the topic is uncomfortable for the parent, so they keep their thoughts and questions to themselves. It is the parent’s job to raise the subject and ask for questions.

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    28/12/2015 | by Fact Sheets | Categories: Blog, Infertility, Infertility Blog, Infertility Resources | 5 Comments


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    5 Responses to Top Ten Tips for Telling Children About Donor Egg, Sperm, and Embryo

    1. marilynn says:

      “The basic ingredients of the story are “simple”.
      We wanted you very, very much.
      We had trouble getting pregnant.
      We got help from a doctor, and when that didn’t work we got more help because when you have trouble you get help and sometimes you have to try a lot of different things before it gets better.
      We were so so happy when you finally came.

      The noble goal of telling someone ‘they’re conceived with donated eggs sperm or embryo’ is so they don’t assume themselves to be the offspring of someone raising them if that is not in fact the case. I think the saying the facts in commonly understood terms is the easiest way to do that but I understand that people often take the more circuitious route of talking about eggs and sperm rather than people. The example given does not even talk about eggs and sperm or conception. At least when people use eggs and sperm the goal is that the kid will themselves arrive at the truth of whose offspring they actually are once they come to understand human reproduction with eggs and sperm works. It’s going to be a bit of an easter egg hunt for them if the talk is about eggs and sperm rather than mothers and fathers but they’ll figure it all out once they go to school.

      But the example above does not even mention eggs or sperm. All that was told to them was that they are wanted by the people raising them and ‘they’ got help getting pregnant. Since pregnancy is a singular body experience it would be good to make it clear who it was that was pregnant. Two men don’t have trouble getting pregnant. A woman who had trouble getting pregnant who hired a surrogate to carry her pregnancy is pretty much the only situation that the example speaks to as far as disclosing the truth about something because she did not have trouble with conception but pregnancy only.

    2. marilynn says:

      I know you get tired of the politically correct language police but some of the content of this post is beyond being incorrect according to a particular special interest group, its wrong according to the English language. In the tip you give about language:

      There is no dictionary that says the common definition of the word donor a human with offspring. There are lots of words that mean a human with offspring to choose from but donor is not one of them. The most common word meaning a person with offspring is parent, mother or father; other lesser used words that also mean a person with offspring are progenitor, ancestor, antecedent, originator, source and creator. The most common way to refer to someone’s offspring is to call them their children, their kids, or their sons/daughters. Less common terms that are equally accurate for referring to a person’s offspring would be to call them their descendants or young, or brood, or spawn or progeny. The common term for the relationship between a person’s offspring is brothers and sisters or secondarily, siblings, maternal or paternal siblings or half siblings. The term cousins or diblings or ‘People who share the same donor’ or ‘like distant relatives’ is not the common term for the relationship between two first generation descendants of the same individual. So what you are playing off as being a matter of personal preference is in fact just plain wrong if your speaking English and expect to be understood. If your speaking English and you are hoping not to be understood or rather to leave the wrong impression in someone’s mind because you prefer your version of reality to the truth, then your lying and know that everyone who speaks English and is told your qualifiers will know your lying even if they say nothing about it.

      Plenty of people refuse to use the term father to describe a man whose not raising his offspring because they believe that the title should only be used to refer to good fathers that take care of children (their own or someone else’s). My mom went around telling people I was 5 until I was 10 so that I could ride the bus for free and get into movies for half price and when she was busted she’d say that she did not think of me as being 10 because I was not as tall as other 10 year olds. In her mind it was not really a lie be because I took up about the same amount of space a five year old would. This small white lie had no traumatic impact on me like it would have had I been told to refer to my father as a donor, she was lying and I knew it. She was expecting me to lie and I knew it. I like to think of myself as a size three but my dress says size 5. My drivers license says 110 when I really weigh 120. That guy over there tells his wife his mistress is just a friend and Thursdays are my Saturdays because I’m off that day. We are not really allowed to make up our own definitions and still have people think we are telling the truth anymore than we can expect that our teacher would mark our spelling test correct if we were making up our own way to spell those words.
      I understand that people who are raising a donor’s children are doing all the work and really wanted to become parents and they resent the implication that the donor would be referred to as anything other than a donor when he had no intention of taking care of his kids. But remember they gave up a cell and then they gave up a kid when they became a biological parent. They became a parent when their offspring was born and everyone in their family gained a kin relationship of their own to that kid whether they raise them or had a relationship with the other parent does not alter their kinship. This may offend people it may upset them and they can say that this is biological essentialism until the cows come home but that won’t alter the language that other people and the kid are speaking and won’t change the common understanding of the words being used incorrectly. If you don’t use the common terms and common meanings to describe the kid in relation to their relatives regardless of them being absent from their lives you will be lying and it’s a bad way to try and tell them the truth.

      If you are too uncomfortable to really tell the truth with the correct words and be straightforward about it then why say anything at all? The results if you tell them early and often using the wrong words are kids that will think the people raising them are too insecure to admit the truth. They will think that the people raising them are ashamed of the truth and are embarassed of their lack of relatedness to them and are jelous of the fact that despite not raising them their father or mother will always be their father or mother and their relatives will always be their maternal or paternal relatives. If they are told the truth using the wrong words they will learn that the people raising them believe that parenthood and children can be earned with effort and we all know what can be earned can be bought – this line of effort based thinking about parenthood objectifies children and makes their identities and relatives disposable at the whim of whoever thinks they ‘earned’ the title by raising the kid even if they bought their way into that roll.
      I’ve been going round with Olivia at DCN about this lately and she literally wrote the book on telling. Her views mirrored in this post are not popular with donor offspring because its all still a lie when you don’t use the correct words. She use to think her daughter was perfectly OK with the scripted way Olivia has tought others to tell, but it turns out now she says her feelings about it are a bit more complicated than she’d let on previously. (See her current post)

      Either tell the truth or don’t tell the truth but don’t go around aspousing how important honesty is when you can’t even articulate what it is that your trying to be honest about. Stop referring to what needs to be told as their conception or their begining or their biological origins because it is not in their past like you wish it was. The absense of their parent and relatives occurrs for them every day of their life over and over again until at some point, hopefully, with luck the absense will end and they’ll be acknowledged as a member of their own family outside the family that raised them. It is not the past but the current that you need to talk to them about and be compassionate about and empathetic about. It’s true there is no way of knowing how a person will feel about the absense of one of their parents but one need only compare it to the presence of the other parent to have it be evident that they are getting less than they are supposed to from them. Don’t think anyone can ever replace a person in any kind of relationship. You can’t just pick someone else and say that they are the father now and expect the kid not to be aware that they should not have needed someone else if their father had done what he was supposed to. Please do contemplate what your telling and try hard to really be honest if that is your goal. If the goal is simply to not have any secrets and make this absence of one parent “no big deal” your motivations are not honesty out of concern but normalizing and brain washing into conformance for purposes of control.

    3. Louise says:

      i believe we must also address/explain the perception of a “normal family”. children tend to compare themselves to their friends’ parents/setup. We started to explain that not all children have both parents or both parents do not live in the same house. Also show adults who were adopted and show them they are like any of us (not necessarily normal). Thus she can understand that she is just different not that something is wrong, but lucky

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