Are You Choosing to be infertile by remaining with your infertile partner?
Are you choosing to be infertile by remaining with your infertile partner?

I think this comment may take the cake. It’s that dangerous combination of stupidity, insensitivity and a big mouth. I posted a blog a few months ago on Playing the Blame Game in Infertility.  One woman pointed out that it is not just the couple itself that might blame each other. In her experience she is the target of blame from others for choosing to remain with her infertile husband.

I have heard some very insensitive comments directed at partners of infertility sufferers that more or less say “well, if you don’t abandon this person and find someone who can GIVE you children the old fashioned (read: the right) way you yourself are CHOOSING to be infertile, and as such have chosen to be childless for life.

My husband who has male factor infertility, was told the following: (with apologies for its crassness, I’m just quoting) “By staying with you, your wife has chosen to remain childfree….” (because in this context the person commenting thought that assisted reproduction technology and adoption were wrong ways for infertile persons to become parents) “…unless she has an affair with the mailman in order to get pregnant, she must not want children that badly”.

It sickens me that people in our world hold such ignorant and hurtful attitudes towards those who are infertile and those who love them in spite of what that condition has taken away from them. If my husband had another disability, I would not leave him-I would stick by him and we would face it together. Why should infertility be any different?

As the wife of someone who is infertile, I have not chosen to live childfree, any more than my husband has. I have chosen (and will continue to choose) to walk this involuntary path of infertility with someone I love more than life itself and whom I promised to stay with forever, no matter what.

If we choose to walk together on an alternate path to parenthood, we have every right to do so, without judgment and criticism from others. If at the end of this path we are still childless, we will still be on this journey together, and we will make the best of it, knowing that our partnership is something that we still have in this life and beyond.

Ignorance + Insensitivity= Meanness

The human capacity for insensitivity always amazes me. That people are ignorant doesn’t surprise me. That people are stupid, doesn`t surprise me. But I simply don’t understand why anyone would want to share their ignorance and stupidity.

If you believe that egg or sperm donation is wrong – fine. Don`t use these techniques. If you believe adoption is for losers – for the love of all that is holy, don’t adopt. But there is no need to let others know of your ignorance, least of all me.

And who in their right mind would suggest that a better solution to donor egg or sperm would be sleeping with the mailman. Oh wait, I know the answer – someone who is both stupid and insensitive, otherwise known as mean.

My commenter is one wise woman. Her husband is one lucky man, but I suspect she’s lucky as well because good folks seem to find each other.

For the rest of the world: don’t share your thoughts on how I choose to create my family unless I ask your opinion.  And for the record, if you think I am asking your opinion, you’re probably wrong, so best bet is to keep your mouth shut.

Has anyone else heard something this insensitive?


Image credit: Search Influence