“Sometimes I Hate The Person Infertility Has Made Me”
For better or worse, infertility changes us. How could it not? We have desperately wanted something and been denied. We have had our hopes dashed month after month. We have had to debate with ourselves how far to go down the medical maze; how much to spend; what to sacrifice? We’ve had to analyze how important children are to our lives.
Struggles change us. Some of these changes are for the best, and some not.
Sometimes I hate the person infertility has made me. I hate I can’t be 100% happy for my best friend while she’s pregnant. I don’t wish it was me and not her or that she wasn’t pregnant. I just wish it was me too.
I hate that our while our daughter’s Birth Mother is truly struggling and hurting I can’t help but wonder if she will follow through with her current plans to parent the child she is pregnant with. I can’t help but hope that if she decides to make an adoption plan for him, that it would be with us. I worry for her because I love her and I want her to do whatever is best for her and the baby, regardless of what that means, BUT I still can’t help wondering. Once you think something, you can’t unthink it and that sucks.
Yeah, that sucks.
A Little Grace Please
We all at times think thoughts that aren’t a reflection of our “better selves”. Of course, when your best friend is pregnant, you wish it were you too. If she already has a child, you might even think why her and not me. Of course, you hope that if your child’s birth mom decides to place her next child, she will choose you. And you probably also hope just a bit that she decides not to parent.
Here’s the thing: we are all imperfect beings. We are all at times mean spirited and petty. We likely are also at times generous and kind. I don’t think we should beat ourselves up for our less than charitable thoughts, but I do think we have to be accountable for our words and actions.
It’s OK to wish that it was you who was pregnant rather than your friend who is pregnant with her 3rd, but it’s not OK to make snide comments.
It’s OK to hope that your child’s birth mom decides to place her child with you, but it’s not OK to undermine her self confidence to parent.
Our struggles can bring out our darker side at times, but they can also make us more in tuned with those who struggle, regardless of their struggle. We become more of what we focus on, so focusing on our new-found, hard won empathy with those who suffer will help us survive our less stellar thoughts.
Do you sometimes hate the person that infertility has made you?
Image credit: Janine