You’ve longed for it. You’ve agonized about it. You’ve worked for it. You’ve obsessed over it. You’ve blogged, posted, and tweeted about it. The baby quest defined you. And then, miracles of miracles, it happens. Infertility treatment worked, or an expectant woman choose you to adopt her child, or beyond luck you somehow turned up pregnant. Now what? For many, their new obsession becomes parenthood. Understandable, right? But what about their online and in person community of fellow infertiles?
I received the following email from one of our Creating a Family online community.
“Everywhere I look online, someone in my infertility community is posting about the glories of motherhood. I want to be happy for them, but it would be a whole lot easier if they wouldn’t rub my nose in what they are experiencing. For some reason it is easier with the ones who adopt, but still I feel so left out.
Last year I read a blog on this topic calling for the former infertiles to remember where they came from.
Unfortunately, when some get to the other side, they become Parent bloggers and begin gushing about everything their kids do … conveniently forgetting their readers as they gush. Face it IF-Turned-Parent bloggers! You’re insensitive! You’ve forgotten the anguish of your IF readers — forgotten your OWN anguish! Need I remind you?
Perhaps I do …
“Sometimes I remember the days when it was just me and the spouse and long for them. The freedom! Romance! Naughty nights! Also, it would be nice to be … cleaner. Here’s an example: Today I woke up to a strange sound over the baby monitor. “What is that?” I wondered. Upon entering the nursery, a smell strong enough to kill lab rats surrounded me.
“Which of you was it?” I asked the twins. Neither responded, of course. Throwing caution to the winds, I went in. “Whew! Not just farts, eh?” I smelled Dude’s butt. Poop! I smelled Dudette’s butt. Poop! I’m up to my eyeballs in poop. Poop! Poop! Poop! Fabulous, stinky, wonderful, sticky, awesome, smelly, amazing poop!
I change Dude’s diaper, and he sticks his hand in the mess and wipes it on his face. SO CUTE!!! I kiss his brown crap-spattered cheek. Some of it gets on my lip but I lick it away. Did I make a face? Dudette is next and she squirms, causing the dirty diaper to fall to the floor. Ah well, more #$%* stains on the carpet! I’m thinking all through this dirty mess, life was never so wonderful. I’m in heaven. Heaven is made up of my twins. I’m out of time, but next time I cannot wait to tell you about Dudette puking on me — 5 TIMES! So awesome!”
Your stories about dirt, crap and puke do not mitigate the experience. IFers still and always want what you have. Your glee is like a knife twisting inside. So please, please, try to remember where you came from.
Wow, talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place. Blogging and social network posting is supposed to be about your life. Your life is now consumed by the ups and downs of parenthood. How do you continue to blog and share online without being perceived as insensitive?
I don’t have any perfect answers. Some bloggers start a new parenting oriented blog, but I’ve heard from others who are reluctant to start all over building up a new following. One thing I do know: you should not take offense if one of your infertile friends chooses to stop following you or un-friends you. In fact, if you are particularly close to a couple of your online followers, I think it’s a nice gesture to send them a message that you know your subject matter may be painful for them and you are sorry for any pain you are causing.How have you handled it?
Image credit: Deannster