Still Imagine You Might Be Pregnant Each Month Even after Adopting?

Dawn Davenport


Still Hoping You Might be Pregnant Each Month even after adopting

If you secretly dream and hope about being pregnant each month after adopting, you are not alone.

OK, fess up. Raise your hand if even after you’ve completed your family through adoption or successful infertility treatment, you still secretly do one (or all) of the following:

  • Track your ovulation (not through ovulation predictor kits, but in an offhanded way of noticing symptoms and timing), and make sure that you have a romantic evening during that time.
  • Look for pregnancy symptoms towards the end of your cycle.
  • Feel disappointed when your period comes because your body once again failed you.

You are not alone. The longing to be pregnant is hard to kill.

Yearning to be Pregnant

It’s a weird thing this yearning to be pregnant. For some it almost feels instinctual. If asked, you would likely say you’re happy with your family just the way it is. You might even say that you are glad to be finished with diapers and two year olds, and you’re probably very glad to be finished with fertility treatment. And yet, if you are one day late, that little seed of hope starts to grow and you analyze every symptom (are your breasts a little more tender, are you more tired than usual, are you craving more meat) and start wondering. By the second day late, you may even start planning.

What is wrong with you?!?


This is a part of life you didn’t get to experience – pregnancy, birth, genetic continuity.  Your desire to experience this part of womanhood may be diminished, but that doesn’t mean it is completely extinguished.

What to Do?

If it’s a momentary feeling, then just knowing you’re not alone should help. If, however, the cycle of hope then disappointment is wearing on you or interfering with your joy and appreciation of your life and family, then seek help, preferably from a therapist that understands infertility grief. Creating a Family has some resources to help find such a therapist.

Although not for everyone, I know of a number of women who, even though they are infertile, start using birth control after they adopted, just so they no longer have to wonder each month if this might be the month that their body finally started working.

Have you ever had this experience of imagining a pregnancy each month after you adopted or completed your family through successful infertility treatment?


Image credit: Amanda D. Olson

16/04/2014 | by Dawn Davenport | Categories: Blog, Infertility, Infertility Blog | 4 Comments

4 Responses to Still Imagine You Might Be Pregnant Each Month Even after Adopting?

  1. Anon AP says:

    It’s less a yearn at this point than an awareness that it could be an outside (as in somewhere in Antarctica outside) possibility. We certainly don’t schedule sex anymore, but the only birth control we use is me and my faulty reproductive system. There certainly are months where the thought floats up, but I think of it sort of like doing a catalog for the flu: hmm…that feels different. What’s the date? Riiiight. Probably that again. I suppose it could be that I’m pregnant (hah!), but I guess we’ll see, and god that would be weird. Might also be some sort of stomach bug starting. Or another damn cyst. Ugh. Hmm…did I restock those chick supplies after last month…?

    At some point we’ll decide our family is completely done – still not sure about that – and then my husband will go have permanent measures taken to really take the issue off the table. Honestly if we got pregnant now, I’d be entirely freaked out. Friends of ours who believed they were infertile recently got pregnant, and they said it’s been really hard to adjust to the idea that it’s real. Hard to plan, hard to get excited, etc. They’d moved on, and this came out of the blue. I think I’d be closer to that than the person planning from day 2 if it ever happened. Which it won’t because my innate birth control system is pretty damn effective.

  2. Mia says:

    I’m afraid of feeling this way once we quit ttc. I want to never think about it again!! But with the number of people who all like to chime in with their “just as soon as you adopt” chorus, it’s hard to ignore 100%.

  3. Sara says:

    Every blessed month! And up until recently I had thought we might still be up for ‘assisted trying’ and then we did two rounds of respite care for itty bittys. From that, I really realized that I’m happy with the ages of my kids, I’m still coming to understand the commitment of parenting two ‘trauma babies’, and I’m feeling just too old to start over again. So now, I think we’re at the place where I’m going to ask for some degree of birth control, not necessarily to prevent conception, but because I no longer really care if we conceive or not and I’ve decided my monthly cycle is more trouble than it’s worth.

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