First off, let’s acknowledge that there is no perfect way to share you pregnancy news with someone who is suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss. There are better ways, but no perfect way to tell them that will avoid pain.
We have been trying for 3 years to get pregnant and have had lots of failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF cycle. We are now pregnant with twins from our 2nd cycle. I have a friend at work that is also infertile. We have shared a lot of our struggles together. After I told everyone at work last week, she hasn’t spoken to me since. How should I have told her? I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost a good friend.
No matter what you do, your infertile friend will hurt. She can be happy for you, but she still feels devastated and hopeless. Your understanding of that goes a long way to lessen the blow.
Do’s of Telling Infertile Friends You’re Pregnant
Tell them soon. Don’t let them hear your news from someone else.
Tell them privately. Nothing is worse than having to hold in your emotions in a crowd – faking it until you can escape to someplace private to fall apart.
We did a poll of our community and most people preferred an email or letter, but some preferred to hear in person. I favor an email or letter, so that your infertile friend can react however they want without worrying about you, but depending on your level of intimacy you may need to do it in person.
Give them space. They need time to process and space to be self-protective. They may get over their need for distance quickly, but it might last throughout the pregnancy and beyond.
Don’ts of Telling Infertile Friends You’re Pregnant
Don’t take their reaction personally, even though you really want to.
Don’t say you understand how they feel unless you’ve actually been there.
Don’t put a happy spin on it. “I just know that you’ll be next” doesn’t help.
Don’t apologize for your pregnancy.
Don’t set a time limit on how long they need to distance themselves.
Try These Words
Depending on your relationship, try something like this:
I wish there was the perfect way to tell you this without hurting you, but there isn’t. I’m X weeks pregnant. I’m telling you privately (or by email, or letter) not to be rude, but to give you the space you might need to process this information. Please know that I care about you (or love you) and am sorry to be adding to your pain.
Now here’s the thing. You could have done all the above and your friend might still have responded poorly. Her grief may be too raw or her coping resources too low at that particular moment. She too probably feels like she’s lost a friend that is sharing her journey. She is once again on the outside looking in. That sucks.
Or, let’s face it – she may be a fairly self-centered person in general, and the added insult of infertility doesn’t bring out the best in anyone.
How have you told your infertile friends that you are pregnant? What worked and what backfired?
Image Credit: Nishanth Jois
Thanks for this – I think it’s worded really well and to the point at the same time
The last sentence about being self centered is so out of tune with the rest of the article and honestly for people going through infertility this is a really hurtful thing to say to someone going through so much pain
Hi Emma,
Thanks for reading! I looked over the post and realized that it’s an archived article. It’s since been updated with attention to people-first language and the sensitivities such as the one you’ve mentioned. Here’s the link to the new article. We’d love to hear your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Tracy
Thank you for this. My eldest sister has been trying to conceive for over a year now with no luck (yet). I’ve been extremely anxious about telling her I’m pregnant as it wasn’t completely planned so she won’t be expecting it but this has really helped. Once I’ve had my first scan I’m going to tell her. I will be using these kind words, thank
You. X
How did this go?
My younger sister (middle child as well) has been having trouble conceiving for a couple of years. I’m older conceived with any issue and it wasn’t totally planned either. My sister is extremely sensitive as well. I’m so worried. I plan on telling her after my first scan. I’m so worried…
Dear Worried,
I know you were asking Victoria, but I wanted to check in and offer some support too.
It sounds as if you love your sister deeply and are concerned about supporting her while you are navigating this unexpected pregnancy of yours. This is an updated article on the topic that you might find helpful: https://creatingafamily.org/infertility-category/infertility-blog/how-do-you-tell-your-friend-with-infertility-you-are-pregnant/
Thanks for reading and following. We wish you the best with your pregnancy.
Referring to someone struggling to conceive or who received a diagnosis of infertility as an “infertile person” or “infertile friend” is not appropriate. It makes a medical condition that is often treatable into a descriptor. It’s a similar reason to why it’s inappropriate to refer to people experiencing homelessness as “homeless people”. It pigeonholes them into a situation they likely don’t desire. Most of the negative reactions or simply not-perfectly-thrilled reactions from people experiencing infertility toward a friend’s pregnancy announcement can be traced directly to the pregnant friend. Using the excuse of “there’s no perfect way to say it” leaves plenty of room to be selfish and not considerate, justifying with “well she’ll be upset no matter what I say”. Simply the words of self-congratulatory people who want to be “happy” at others’ expense.
Thank you for reading. Your points are well taken. As this is an archived post, we will take that language into account if we re-publish or update this post. We appreciate your attention to people-first language.
It absolutely blows my mind that people still manage to throw in that a woman suffering with infertility might just be self-centered in general. As if the reaction she may have to a pregnancy announcement should be judged so harshly. Yes, there are people who are more selfish. But I find this “explanation” come up so often when women experiencing hellish infertility don’t have the most perfect reaction to a friend’s pregnancy announcement. There is nothing more selfish to me than someone who gets what they want, a pregnancy, and also decides they are entitled to have everyone put aside their own experiences for their sake and to share their excitement at the expense of people who’ve already had all the joy in their life compromised by one of the most devastating experiences a person can go through. When I got engaged, I was thrilled, and I also did not expect my long-single friends who wished to be married themselves to be in any way overjoyed by my happiness, nor did I foist it upon them. I completely understood the pain of unhappy singledom, as I had been there myself. Maybe that made it easier for me to be appropriately considerate. That said, pregnant women have managed to make themselves some of the most unsavory, insufferable and repugnant creatures by the crazy-town transformation they go through when they get that positive test, into someone with total self-centeredness and demands for everyone else to be on board with the world revolving around them and their “happiness”. Ugh.
Sadly, self-centered, selfish behavior comes from all types and knows no boundaries of disease, life stage, or condition. So yes, a woman with infertility might just *also* be selfish. Just as her pregnant friend who shares the news expecting to be celebrated might *also* be selfish. Navigating these conversations requires tact, grace, and compassion on all sides.
Not everyone who is pregnant is getting what they wanted. Sometimes it happens unplanned and also causes a lot of grief for the person expecting. That was my experience at least.
You are totally right…there is not right way to tell it – it’s gonna hurt either way. You suggestion of giving people space is a good one. When you are infertile and people tell you they are pregnant, you know in your heart they are not trying to hurt you but sometimes you just need some time away.
Envy is not necessarily logical and usually with some time apart, we can let the logical part of our brain control the mad as hell part of our brain. 🙂
It’s not envy. It’s grief and trauma.
Great post, Dawn. The script you wrote on what to say is absolutely perfect. Pinning this now!
I’m glad it struck the right note Lisa.