Dear Pregnant Friend:
I know my response to your pregnancy announcement wasn’t exactly what you expected, so I want to try to explain. First, let me say here what I wasn’t able to say when you told me–I am happy for you, I truly am. I am happy that your dreams are coming true. You’ll be a great mom.
The difficulty for me, and the reason I responded as I did to your announcement, is that your pregnancy is yet another reminder that my body doesn’t work. Another reminder that my dream of being a mom is still a long way off, and I’m not even sure that it will ever come true.
The funny thing is that I am both excited for you and jealous of you at the same time. I think what I’m really jealous of is how easy it was for you to get pregnant. You don’t deserve my jealousy, but it is there regardless.
I know that it may feel like I’m being selfish. As hard as it is to admit, it’s true. Having a disease that makes impossible what I want most has made me self-focused.
I wish I knew another way to deal with my infertility, but right now fertility treatment and paying for treatment (it’s not covered by my health insurance) is all I think about. Feeling like a selfish b_tch at times is one of the many things I hate about infertility.
I will try very hard to focus on my excitement and happiness for you rather than on my sadness for me. Please be patient with me, and please understand my need for self-protection. I may not be able to be as involved with your pregnancy as we both might want, but please know that I’m doing the best I can.
Love,
Me
P.S. We’re starting a new Dear Friends & Family Series of blogs. Please send me ideas of things you would like to tell your friends, sisters, and cousins about infertility. Send to: dawn at creatingafamily.org.
First published in 2015; Updated in 2017.
I definitely get the selfish part whenever someone tells me they are pregnant. Especially when they say, “Oh yeah it wasn’t planned!” Usually I’m just sad and then feel bad that I’m having all these negative feelings and not just feeling happy for my friend or family member.
I’m sorry. I think it’s natural to feel guilty for having those negative thoughts and feelings when they are experiencing something you want so much. Be kind to yourself and recognize that the feelings are there but that you don’t have to be swallowed by them.
I feel some jealousy, but mostly just sad. I don’t feel selfish, but people call me that when I decide to send a gift but not attend a shower. Infertility sucks, bottom line.
I’m sorry that folks decide to label you selfish instead of asking how you are feeling. But good for you for knowing your boundaries and taking care of yourself when you know you cannot attend someone else’s shower. Yes, infertility does suck.
I’ve been on both sides of this. When I was first on my journey through infertility and still quite immature, I actually injured a friendship bc of my insecurities and depression. We made amends but the friendship was never the same.
I felt that sting of jealousy for years later when others became pregnant and I remained infertile. But I learned to keep it to myself. It wasn’t fair for me to steal their joy bc of my suffering.
Then I got pregnant after 6 years… I was so happy and wanted to share it with everyone. But a good friend who had suffered several miscarriages and had no living children of her own dropped me like a hot potato. It hurt so bad but I understood her pain. Now she has had a little boy and we are both pregnant together with a second child and it’s pretty awesome.
I also experienced about 1 1/2 yrs TTC with heavy fertility treatments to get pregnant with my now second child. I could feel that sting creaking in when I saw others get pregnant again. It was different now bc I had a child but it was still there.
We all have a journey to experience and no feelings are wrong but we do have to be careful not to hurt others on our way or hurt ourselves even more by dwelling in a dark place.
Thanks so much for this! It must be hard for people to understand how we feel when dealing with infertility, but they shouldn’t judge what they have not experienced. It was more difficult to deal with family than friends…even my mom seemed judgmental 🙁
Dear Friend,
Sorry I had to step outside while you opened your gifts at the baby shower. I thought I could handle it but I was wrong.
Yes, Ashley! We’ll be doing one on Baby Showers.